He has a job. As I said he makes more money than I do. We both have plenty of money. Our money is pooled together. I dont give him money.
We live a comfortable life.
So why do you pay all the bills? So why do you work 2 jobs?
So hire a housekeeper and a dogwalker.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Some of these thigns effect me. Him throwing his cigaretts on our front law and not picking them up (now my house looks like trash), him now picking up the dog or taking it outside, now my carpets are ruined. Leaving trash sitting in our backyeard for over a month, now my house smells and my backyeard looks like the junk. These things do effect me. So I'm supposed to do everything?! Take out the trash, etc?! Are you going to create more hours in a day?
I'll make you a deal, I'll create more hours in your day when you stop making excuses about everything.
Quit your 2nd job, you just confirmed that you both have enough money to live comfortably, the time you saved from not having to work your 2nd job now allows you to do the things at home that he's not taking care of.
You keep putting this all on him.
I'm just trying to open up your eyes to all of this.
He doesn't want this anymore.
He's given up.
You just don't like it.
Why does he get to be lazy if you're not lazy?
He's not you.
He doesn't want to be you.
You want him to be more like you.
And you're not seeing it because you're blind, he doesn't want to be like you. You aren't fun. You are work. All you do is work, you have 2 jobs, and when come home you complain about everything that needs to be done. You nag and you control (or you attempt to at any rate).
Some of these thigns effect me. Him throwing his cigaretts on our front law and not picking them up (now my house looks like trash), him now picking up the dog or taking it outside, now my carpets are ruined. Leaving trash sitting in our backyeard for over a month, now my house smells and my backyeard looks like the junk. These things do effect me. So I'm supposed to do everything?! Take out the trash, etc?! Are you going to create more hours in a day?
I'll make you a deal, I'll create more hours in your day when you stop making excuses about everything.
Quit your 2nd job, you just confirmed that you both have enough money to live comfortably, the time you saved from not having to work your 2nd job now allows you to do the things at home that he's not taking care of.
You keep putting this all on him.
I'm just trying to open up your eyes to all of this.
He doesn't want this anymore.
He's given up.
You just don't like it.
Why does he get to be lazy if you're not lazy?
He's not you.
He doesn't want to be you.
You want him to be more like you.
And you're not seeing it because you're blind, he doesn't want to be like you. You aren't fun. You are work. All you do is work, you have 2 jobs, and when come home you complain about everything that needs to be done. You nag and you control (or you attempt to at any rate).
anne, you are getting some 2x4s but I hope see the gift that you're getting: honest feedback about how others see you, esp. the male POV.
Your H has a responsibility to you and your M, but we're not helping him, we're helping you. We can only encourage you to look at your life and do good things for yourself.
Coach is right, you need to look at solutions here. If you have plenty of money then hire a housekeeper and a dogwalker.
You say you are following your dream...is being overweight and having dog poop under your bed part of that dream? Seriously?
At my age, 28 seems sooo young. You have almost no responsibility in your life and the world is your oyster. If you are having problems coping with the basics (taking care of your body, your home, your dog) now when you are young, and child-free...what is it going to look like when REAL problems and challenges come along?
I think it's a mistake for you to work 2 jobs. You need free time to get into IC, cultivate healthy living habits, sort out the PCOS, take care of your home, walk your dog, and GAL.
At your age and with no children involved, you will want to take a serious look at your H and figure out if you do want to be married to him...but you need to do some work on yourself first IMO.
Having ANY expectations of your H right now is only going to lead to resentment on your part. You don't need that. There is no reason for you to depend on him in any way. I know how frustrating it is when your guy refuses to do the basics around the house...believe me BTDT.
Last edited by flowmom; 03/12/1009:12 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I dont think everyone has read all of my posts. I wish people would read everything before they commented. The reason I asked all those intials things about the dog was because I was using it as an example as I was confused about a few things pertaining to 180 and how I should handle it.
-I really don't appreicate you saying we dont have "real" problems. We do have real problems. My husband had an affair and I also found out last month he has been seeing prosititues for the past 4 years, he has dropped the ILYBINILWY bomb 3 times. -As far as being overweight I really wish people wouldn't act like I'm choosing to be overweight- I am trying everything. It is very hurtful. I have seen numerous doctors over the past 1.5 years to try and help me. I used to be a petite 120 lbs. -My 2nd job is my dream job. I own a photography business. I have been trying to work on that so I can quit my full time job. I could not quit my full time job and just persue my photography business right now - I would not make enough money. -We do have a housekeeper. -I do go to individual counseling and so does my husband. We have also been to marriage counseling twice. -And I do have a really great circle of friends and I do have a life! I dont see my husband basically at all Wed-Sat becuase he works at night and sleeps during the day - I have lots of time to myself.
This is why I dont like posting on forums. I dont mind opinions and criticism but I dont like it when I people start acting like I'm I have no life and I'm a horrible person and I just sit around and eat bon bons and I'm lazy because my dog poops in the house. I can't do everything and that is the point! I am not home every second of every day to see what my husband is doing with the dog! I work out and eat right and I'm still fat but everyone assumes I'm lazy and need to get a life!
I am going through a very, very difficult time right now. I have spent years working hard so my husband could have this wonderful career all the while thinking it would eventually be my turn. I stood back while he did his thing, never questioned him, . And now that it is my turn he has an affair, cheats on me and checks out of our marriage like I am trash. I understand I need to work on myself and that is what I'm trying to do.
I'm sorry my problems aren't big enough issues for you flowmom. I guess once I have children I will understand what true problems are.
This is why I dont like posting on forums. I dont mind opinions and criticism but I dont like it when I people start acting like I'm I have no life and I'm a horrible person and I just sit around and eat bon bons and I'm lazy because my dog poops in the house.
I read your thread entire and cannot find the above quotes anywhere. Time to grow up, Anned82. You are the only person who wrote this about yourself.
Quote:
I can't do everything and that is the point!
No one is asking you to...and that is THE POINT. You have taken all of the work and responsibility on YOURSELF b/c your H will not do it. But why would he when you will do it. Don't you see that you have set up this arrangement yourself?
Quote:
I am not home every second of every day to see what my husband is doing with the dog! I work out and eat right and I'm still fat but everyone assumes I'm lazy and need to get a life!
Again, you are mind reading. All that gets you is wrong.
Quote:
I am going through a very, very difficult time right now. I have spent years working hard so my husband could have this wonderful career all the while thinking it would eventually be my turn.
So are you saying the two of you had this as a plan and now he is not keeping up his end of the deal. Or - you had this expectation (w/o him knowing it)that he is not fulfilling?
Quote:
I'm sorry my problems aren't big enough issues for you flowmom. I guess once I have children I will understand what true problems are.
Girl, she did NOT say that your problems are not big enough! Stop defending yourself and really listen. She is telling you that you have many more liberties now, many fewer considerations in terms of a D than if you were older, further along in a M, with children and all the things that come along with an older M. She was pointing out to you that you have choices now that aren't nearly as painful if you make them now v putting them off for another decade.
I used to try to do it all. And I used to be very angry at my H for not picking up the slack. I harbored huge resentments about that, which contributed to the near destruction of our M. I learned (thank God) to LET him take up the slack. Yes - LET him. I found that when I just stopped doing the things I barely had time for or needed help with, for a while these things didn't get done. But eventually he recognized his responsibility in these areas and I'll be damned if he didn't have it in him after all! And he took care of business....once I took my hands off. What a relief for me! To have the help, the partnership. What a relief for him! To have the trust and confidence of his W!
Anne82 - folks don't show up on this board to insult you. We've all been through too much fire to harbor that kind of heart. People who come here do so to HELP. Let them.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
- We do have a housekeeper. - I have lots of time to myself.
OK, reality check.
You have a housekeeper and you ask your husband to vacuum, why? I wouldn't vacuum my home if I had a housekeeper, that's what I pay the housekeeper to do. So you are essentially complaining about..... I have no idea, maybe just to hear yourself speak. Listen if that's the case just be honest, everyone goes through a fair amount of self-pity at the beginning.
As for having lots of time to yourself, if that's the case, why were you complaining that you had no time to do EVERYTHING because you had two jobs and all the other excuses you mentioned?
-I really don't appreicate you saying we dont have "real" problems. We do have real problems. My husband had an affair and I also found out last month he has been seeing prosititues for the past 4 years, he has dropped the ILYBINILWY bomb 3 times. -As far as being overweight I really wish people wouldn't act like I'm choosing to be overweight- I am trying everything. It is very hurtful. I have seen numerous doctors over the past 1.5 years to try and help me. I used to be a petite 120 lbs.
Dog poop and picking up the dog from the vet and a lazy husband that doesn't vacuum under the bed aren't your problems.
Here's your problem, ready....
Your self-esteem, it sucks. You have none or very little.
Why do you pursue your husband who has cheated on you and has slept with prostitutes. I'll tell you why? Because he rejects you. You can't understand why he doesn't love you and why he isn't attracted to you and it bothers you to no end.
Divorce busting is one thing but you are pursuing someone who has no real value and someone who thinks that you have no value.
You work two jobs to prove to yourself that you can do it, that you're worth the effort, you want to show the world how strong you are but none of this is working.
Being overweight isn't helping either, I'm sure it makes you feel depressed and sad on a regular basis, been there, done that.
You really want that husband back, you want him to be all he can be?
Drop him, reject him, leave him. Stop pursuing him.
Or continue doing what you're doing and continue posting umpteen million pages on your thread about why he doesn't love you and why he doesn't help around the house and why he just doesn't get it.
