flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

CG, I guess I am feeling dual trains of thought: 1. it's all my fault and 2. anger. But I don't think that's terribly new for me. I've been here for a long time. My anger has been on the back burner as I deal with the shock of abandonment.

I thought he is trying to figure out the CS/alimony money, just to cover his @ss.

I think that it's all based on standard calculations where I live.

What I also read is a woman feeling guilty for her financial dependence on her H. I understand that, it bothers you, hurts your confidence, pride and sense of self esteem. Which I understand but do NOT agree with. YOU TOGETHER had made decision about the way you would raise your kids. You gave up many things, part of yourself, you sacrificed years of a career. Isnt that good enough?

I think my mistake was not having the conversation with H a few years ago where I said "H, remember where I said that I wanted to keeping working and earning money? Well I still want that but I don't think that I can do that to a great extent while we are homeschooling and dealing with young children and special needs. I don't want to be expected to earn any money when I am doing 90% of the housework, cooking, and "executive parenting", all of the nighttime parenting, and most of the child care. If you have an idea in your mind of how much money you would like me to earn to contribute to our family income, we need to discuss what changes would be necessary to make that possible." I wasn't proactive enough in my communication with him. I expected him to see what was obvious to everyone else: that I was working hard enough.

Maybe you need to send that other email saying :since now I have to take care of my life and career, I will assume you will step up my dear flodad and take the kids not only when it is convenient to you but also when it will fit my needs eg the weekend for my work on so and so date. I will never regret my choice to sacrifice my career to be with our babies and allow you to build yours but I feel now it is a chance and a must that I reinvest in mine...

Well H is going to be accommodating my work schedule when I am doing field work in early June, at some inconvenience to himself. That end of May weekend is more tricky because it's not paid work, though it brings work. I have told him that I'm going (it looks like I'll be able to hire a childcare provider and just spend my way into a solution on that). But I see your point.

Other than that, take care of yourself physically, look good, smell good, it boosts your self esteem.

Doing OK on that I think.

Do not allow the self blame thing go on for too long, CG is right about that.

I hoping the book on healing from abandonment will help with that...it talks about "internalizing the rejection".

Thanks for your thoughts CG and Kalni