8 weeks until D Day!!

[lea74]

Thanks R2C, how do I put my original post into my signature?

[lea74]

Saw my L today and she said we will have to serve my H if he doesnt want to disclose his income. She actually got quite irratated and said he is being childish. She has been doing this for 25 years so has seen it all.

I will be sending an email this weekend and if he doesnt comply I will have to have papers served next week. He will not be happy about it, but I have no choice and it is out of my hands.

I am sure that somehow it will be all my fault - even though he is the one that started this whole process.

Agh!!!

[lea74]

Another evening ruined!!! My S7 has a football tournament which my H is taking him to. My S7 doesnt want the OW to be there. She had said she would be at his next match. So tonite without my knowing my S7 when my H called he asked if she would be there. My H said Why?. This really upset my S7 as it took alot for him to just ask and I guess he wanted his dad to say Ok, not why? He doesnt feel really comfortable asking my H those types of questions and gets really nervous.

My S7 was in tears and I tried to console him. In the meantime my H tried to call back and my S10 put the phone down on him.

Eventually I talked to my H. Told him that this is what my S7 wants. My H said it isnt - the last time they were all together they had alot of fun. So he was shocked that my S7 asked and he doesnt believe him. He said it was all me, that my sons were feeding off my bitterness and that I was feeding them this stuff. So what am I supposed to do - promote the relationship. Make sure that I make them like her? Ok, I do say a couple of things, nothing too drastic but I am only human.

I dont agree with them spending every time with their Dad with her as well. They know this and so does he. I think he should spend what little time he has with them with them and not her. For goodness sake, we are not even D yet. He has had her around them every time he has had them, including their first little vacation.

I am really lost as to what to do. I want to protect my sons, but my H just wont believe me. My sons cant tell my H how they actually feel as they are scared and dont want to hurt his feelings.

[flowmom]

Lea, I think you should involve a child therapist or advocate here. Your H is not going to listen to or believe you. And I don't think you should share your opinions with your sons either. I know it's hard to bite your tongue, but unless you can control it, try not to talk about it. It would be really helpful to have an objective third party intervene on the children's behalf. I can't imagine how sickening it is for you to see that your H isn't even using his time with your sons to concentrate on THEM. It's as much a betrayal of them as it is of you. But again I don't think there's much you can do about it other than get someone objective to step in and guide him towards being more sensitive to your confused, hurting boys.

(((Lea)))

[lea74]

Hi Flo, you are right. I do need to bite my tongue. I have a very close relationship with my sons and therefore do really chat to them alot and obviously spend alot of time with them, so do make some snide comments sometimes. I do try not to, but it hard. So in terms of goals:

For the next week, do not bring up the OW with kids.

I guess I am just so disappointed in him. I didnt expect him to behave like most men in D do, but he is!!!

I am seeing a child therapist on Friday so will chat to her. Maybe I can get my H involved in this as well, although he is not keen on therapy.

[goldfiber]

Hi Lea, you H is partially correct in that the boys feelings about OW, is based on your feelings about her. The problem is, he shouldn't be suprised, I think that would happen in almost any marriage, especially one with the history that you and H have.

May I suggest now, you go dark, let all communication flow through attorneys. I would also agree that a therapist might be good for the boys. Be prepared to receive that your son's feelings are a reflection of your feelings. Again, who would be different? Your sons ADORE their mother.

I know that it is very dark right now and things don't look good. But I remain as hopeful as ever. Your marriage is going to turn around. Don't ask me how I know, I just know. For some reason, your situation has touched me. If it was not for you, I would not even come to this site anymore, nothing against this site, its been very helpful. Sometimes Lea,our problems are too big for us to handle, too complex for man's wisdom, too difficult to see the other side because of all your pain and suffering, and the only thing we can do is cry to our spiritual father.

God has heard your cries. He has placed your tears in his bottle, given you beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning,and the garment of praise for the feeling of heaviness.

By going dark, you are throwing up your hands and saying "GOD, handle this" The only success we(I'm in this with you), have had has been the times you went even partially dark. TRUST HIM LEA!!
What do you have to lose at this point??

Miracles happen all the time. GOD is not a respecter of people, just a respecter of faith. Your marraige, my marriage, all the marriages of all the people on this board and the many boards like it throught out the world, matter to HIM!! WE really do matter. DIVORCES are at an epidemic. GOD wants to turn the tide, how can he not, when he invented marriage.

The bible says we only need a little faith. Find that little faith in you and don't let go, no matter what and watch your faith in HIM produce.

I am with you in spirit, I stand with you, I stand in the gap for you and your H until your faiths are strong.

You can do it. TRUST HIM, LEA!!

[lea74]

Hi G, thanks for the input. I know that I should have faith. I did at one point, but now feel so alone. Also, Why Lord have you forsaken me. I know I am no different to anyone else and therefore deserve my fair share and that there are people out there who are going through alot more. Just at the moment this is my hell. I really am trying to have faith, but am blinded by all the hurt.

Just tonite my H dropped off the boys and I couldnt understand why his car wasnt outside. He gave me some stupid excuse which I didnt even hear. I went out to my car and saw why. He had parked on the road and she was in the car. When I saw this she jumped into the driver seat , he practically ran to the car and he drove off.

I never realised how bad that this would make me feel. He felt awful to see him with her and that she drove his car off (his car is his pride and joy). I cam isnide and ratned and I know that it wasnt fair on my boys but I did says some things I am not pruod of. Also my sons made me some cards for Mothers Day which is tm, and they made them with her.

This is so hard!!! I feel like I am in the middle. Tryin g to please everyone, hold everyones pain, making sure everyone else is OK. What about me. I have to see my H with anothe woman and then also see my Kids with her too.

I dont know how to deal with this??????

[goldfiber]

Lea, HE has not forsaken you, HE is right there. This has been going for awhile and H still has not divorced you. Walking in faith is very difficult when you focus on the things you see. I am sure you guessed OW was outside in the car but you went outside anyway. That only hurt you. If you could keep all the pain inside, away from H and boys and vent here or when boys go to bed, this would help you. Don't give H the pleasure of seeing you in pain.

[lea74]

Hi G, actually I didnt know she would be outside in the car. My S7 asked me to get something from my car thats why I went outside. I actually believed my H's stupid excuse for a few mintues and then when he started to walk really fast to his car I looked and saw her and then realised what was going on.

I still seem to always believe him first and then be disappointed when I realise that he has lied.

Just today my friend asked me if I thought he was having a PA and I again defended him saying no I didnt think it had become a PA as yet, but obvioulsy is a EA.

[lea74]

G, I am really not sure if my H asked to come back (like that would every happen) if I would actaully take him back.

Dont get me wrong, I dont want a D and dont want to loose my family, but I would have to forgive so much and he would have to make huge changes.

Seeing him with her tonite, was devastating. I was almost ill!!