flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

email from H:

Hi

I'm trying to think about the amount of hours I need to work in the medium term and to do some financial forward projection. That's why knowing your monthly work totals would be helpful

Could you tell me how many billable hours you did in February 2010?

In the interests of full disclosure I did c. 168 billable hours at the fire department* and c. 60 to 80 hours of not-strictly-billable hours of Internet based work

Flowdad

* many of those hours involved sleeping, just to keep things in perspective.

My reply:

Hi Flowdad,

Thank you for working so hard to support our family...I really appreciate it.

In Feb I worked 22 h = $XXXX billable. [project] got backburnered in mid Feb. (limiting the hours that I could work), but my new project is coming online now.

Flowmom

UGH. OOOOOOOOh the things NOT said in these emails:

H: I'm working my A$$ off to pay off our debts. I realize this is an emergency and I'm doing everything I can to deal with it. PLUS I'm taking the kids all the time so that you can work. You better be holding up your end of the deal here.

ME: Yes, you are a working machine...congratulations superman. Sorry I can't be a working machine and rescue us from the financial mess that you created by your foolish lack of business planning. And too bad that you still have NO idea how much your business is earning or how much you make in your business per hour because you refuse to do basic accounting of your time, income, and expenses. At least I'm earning more than the rent on the apartment that YOU decided to rent so that you can have your space and take my children away from me. Have you considered that just maybe going to counselling, grieving a 17 year R/marriage and all my dreams of life as a family, dealing with S6's special needs stuff, and restructuring my entire life might actually use up almost all of my time that you've so "generously" granted me? I hate feeling like a charity case accepting money from you. Before having kids, I didn't realize that our parenting choices would collide with my financial independence, and now I'm trapped in a sitch where my worst fears about being financially dependent are coming true. I'm going to figure out how to earn more money, but it's not necessarily going to be on YOUR timetable.

--

I have a choice here about how I feel about this:

This is a core issue in our M and I am NOT doing the 180 that I need to do to show H that I've changed. I've let me and H and my M down by not being responsible and overcoming my issues with earning money. I'm giving H the ammunition to say that I haven't changed.

OR

Everyone has faults. Earning money has been a weak area for me and I am going to address this as best I can. H has faults too. I can only be in a M where there is some room for both of our faults, not just H's. H's interest in my earning is not about our M, it's about wanting to reduce his financial commitment to me. I need to take care of myself, and that includes spending time on my emotional needs, and being gentle with myself as I gradually increase my income. H's judgements about what I should be doing are irrelevant to my life because he has chosen to NOT share a life with me. I need to earn money because it's right for ME, not because it's convenient for H.

[CityGirl]

Rock on!

I have been waiting for you to get to this place and I am so glad you are. Now I am not suggesting to live in a state of anger but letting the anger out does have some benefit and can assist you in getting to the next phase.

This is the FIRST post I have read from you where you don't defend your H or blame yourself or take it all on. GOOD FOR YOU!

Damn right you are going to do things on your time.

You know... after months and months of counseling I one day just exploded in my C's office. I actually stood up and said "I am tired of being yelled at, bashed, blamed, made fun of, verbally and emotionally abused and blah blah blah". He looked at me and sort of grinned and said "I was waiting for all of that to come out and I am glad it did".

Do not let your H bully you with words or any other BS. I believe with all my heart you are doing the best you can and you will continue to do so.

This is very good, Flo. And I am still laughing at your Superman comment. LOL!!!

[Kalni]

Hmmm, a LOT of ASSUMING in one post. flo, he maybe thinking all that, but for example the way I read it, was different. I thought he is trying to figure out the CS/alimony money, just to cover his @ss. I am sure one of those divorced "friends" at work he keeps mentioning told him he should know...

What I also read is a woman feeling guilty for her financial dependence on her H. I understand that, it bothers you, hurts your confidence, pride and sense of self esteem. Which I understand but do NOT agree with. YOU TOGETHER had made decision about the way you would raise your kids. You gave up many things, part of yourself, you sacrificed years of a career. Isnt that good enough?

In fact, YOU need to see yourself differently and value your choices and next time you discuss something about it, make sure he hears in your voice the change. No self pity, no self blaming.

You have identified a basic for you and your life. GOOD. Now make an action plan, implement it, make it happen. Maybe you need to send that other email saying :since now I have to take care of my life and career, I will assume you will step up my dear flodad and take the kids not only when it is convenient to you but also when it will fit my needs eg the weekend for my work on so and so date. I will never regret my choice to sacrifice my career to be with our babies and allow you to build yours but I feel now it is a chance and a must that I reinvest in mine...

Ok, maybe this is too aggressive for your mental state but if you have been very "accommodating" then this could be your chance to stop him from "controlling" your life.

Other than that, take care of yourself physically, look good, smell good, it boosts your self esteem. Talk to positive people. Do not allow the self blame thing go on for too long, CG is right about that. I wasted almost a year to accept my C's opinion deep inside that I wasnt a crappy partner which I allowed him to convince me of. Imagine how I felt when I found out the affair had started a whole year before the separation... So stupid!!!! Sure we all make mistakes, so? Who hasnt? I dont recall signing a paper saying he had the right to cheat on me or leave me if I made a x mount of mistakes?

Anger follows "what have I done, i am a crappy wife etc etc'. Pulls you out of misery and self pity. Next is the : "you are no good for me, you treated me horribly, why on earth didnt I realise I deserve better sooner" phase...
Day by Day flo.
xxx
K

[flowmom]

CG, I guess I am feeling dual trains of thought: 1. it's all my fault and 2. anger. But I don't think that's terribly new for me. I've been here for a long time. My anger has been on the back burner as I deal with the shock of abandonment.

I thought he is trying to figure out the CS/alimony money, just to cover his @ss.

I think that it's all based on standard calculations where I live.

What I also read is a woman feeling guilty for her financial dependence on her H. I understand that, it bothers you, hurts your confidence, pride and sense of self esteem. Which I understand but do NOT agree with. YOU TOGETHER had made decision about the way you would raise your kids. You gave up many things, part of yourself, you sacrificed years of a career. Isnt that good enough?

I think my mistake was not having the conversation with H a few years ago where I said "H, remember where I said that I wanted to keeping working and earning money? Well I still want that but I don't think that I can do that to a great extent while we are homeschooling and dealing with young children and special needs. I don't want to be expected to earn any money when I am doing 90% of the housework, cooking, and "executive parenting", all of the nighttime parenting, and most of the child care. If you have an idea in your mind of how much money you would like me to earn to contribute to our family income, we need to discuss what changes would be necessary to make that possible." I wasn't proactive enough in my communication with him. I expected him to see what was obvious to everyone else: that I was working hard enough.

Maybe you need to send that other email saying :since now I have to take care of my life and career, I will assume you will step up my dear flodad and take the kids not only when it is convenient to you but also when it will fit my needs eg the weekend for my work on so and so date. I will never regret my choice to sacrifice my career to be with our babies and allow you to build yours but I feel now it is a chance and a must that I reinvest in mine...

Well H is going to be accommodating my work schedule when I am doing field work in early June, at some inconvenience to himself. That end of May weekend is more tricky because it's not paid work, though it brings work. I have told him that I'm going (it looks like I'll be able to hire a childcare provider and just spend my way into a solution on that). But I see your point.

Other than that, take care of yourself physically, look good, smell good, it boosts your self esteem.

Doing OK on that I think.

Do not allow the self blame thing go on for too long, CG is right about that.

I hoping the book on healing from abandonment will help with that...it talks about "internalizing the rejection".

Thanks for your thoughts CG and Kalni

[rr22]

Get a monthly estimate for the best private school for children with autism in your city and send it to him. Tell him you are open, even interested in, full-time work when your child can go to that very expensive school especially if your other chid can also go to the best and most expensensive daycare or montessori in town and send him an estimate for that too. It should scare him into appreciating the dollar cost of your labor.

[flowmom]

After putting them to bed tonight, I spent some extra time just listening to my children's sleeping breaths tonight. They will be gone from me the next two nights. Another sh1tty milestone on this path .

I have plans for Sunday night, but not for tomorrow (Saturday) night. I am a pretty independent person, but I don't think I can pull off going out on my own without it being depressing right now. My friends are all in couples and they mostly "nest" with their spouses...I wish I knew if my "old friend" was still married. If he wasn't I'd feel comfortable going out with him. But I haven't figured out a way to ask without it sounding awkward. I definitely don't want to date, but I'd love to have a "guy friend" to go out with.

[Kalni]

Go rent a dvd, get some bath salts ready and take a long relaxing hot bath, find a book you always wanted to read, go shopping, window shopping works well, so later you will be tired, have a massage, nails, hair done, go watch a movie!!!

Now, go to bed sweets!!
K

[rr22]

Sounds like it's time to come up with some strategies to repopulate the social life with some people who go out if they are in couples or not. People who don't NEST every weekend.

[flowmom]

rr, most of my friends also have children, and they nest largely because childcare is expensive . Also, it is uncomfortable going out with couples right now. I enjoyed the 2 couples that I spent my birthday with, but looking in on couplehood from the outside feels really wierd.

[flowmom]

Kalni, I wanted you to know that my children felt totally OK telling me that they were looking forward to staying with H tonight. When I send them off I do know that they will be safe and have fun and I can sincerely say "have fun!" and mean it.

That doesn't resolve my concern about how having 3 overnights with H out of every 8 days will affect their feeling of "home" though. And the schedule insanity.

I am finding it hard to make a connection with S6 lately. I am going to have to work harder on engaging him I think.

I finally realized that with all the divorced firefighters out there, other mothers must have dealt with the schedule craziness too and I should figure out how to contact them and find out what kind of custody arrangements have been put into place.