Well, that changes things. You might want to start thinking about how to disentangle yourself financially if possible while still working on your M. If he is starting to accrue HUGE debt you have to protect yourself. You can protect yourself without arguing and still work on M if you want.
yeah... well we have kinda already seperated our finances, the bank told me that the loan is solely in his name using his information... and i have already opened my own accounts and such... i am just in shock... who does this?? and that doesnt make me feel very good about his intentions with us staying together...
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
ok.... help me understand this... why would he do this, he just said to me two days ago we will see how it goes when i come home...why buy himself a car? that he cant even have here? and why tell me about it? I feel like him making decisions like that without talking to me at all is him saying basically that he is never going to try... i just am so confused... how does it all flip like this in 1 months time... we were going to try to have a baby!
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
so i slept on this a few hours... and im still pissed... it really almost makes me want to just walk away. how do i stay focused on resolving my marriage? I am really really upset that he would make such a drastic choice on his own, i feel like, whatever little progress that I had made or whatever little bit he said to make me think he was open to the idea that we might stay together, is out the window. He bought a car without consulting with me at all! and gave me no information about the car either. then on the other hand, i find it interesting that he mentioned it to me at all... but that could be reasons such as there will be some mail coming to the house about it or something so he figured he better say something, i dont know.
And now i have to think about IF we do stay together, thats a huge burden now financially. We discussed getting a new car before but that was AFTER we moved from here and it was only going to be a sensible car since we were going to have a baby since the car we have now is a little 2 door coupe. I guarantee he didnt buy a sensible car. I feel 100% disrespected, and all i have been working on is how i can respect him more and he disrespects me like this.... is it normal that i almost feel like i dont care what happens between us anymore??
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
Here's the thing- you can't take it too personally from the perspective that he did it w/o consulting you...this is b/c in his mind he may be done anyway- for whatever reason.
Good 180's are like what you did- being somewhat supportive and not beating him up over it...had you completely gone off on him he may have set you both up to where he can justify his intentions of leaving.
That doesn't make it right...it is a burden on the family and it was a rash decision...can you deal w/ that?
Also remember WAH is not H- he's in selfish and impulsive mode...again no excuse, but can you deal w/ that...for now?
If the answer is No, then you know what to do...i the answer is yes, you know what to do...
I am really struggling with this... i have a DB coach appt tonight, thank goodness. Part of me is like ok, him buying a car is not the end of the world... i have no idea just how much of a financial burden it is right now because i dont have any information. I have a million things going thru my mind about why he would buy a car right now. most of them not condusive to staying in this marriage on his part.
Then i try to analyze why he told me about it... and the way that he said it....
This is all just so crazy... i want to stay on the path of saving my marriage, but this is really hard
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
man I love talking to my DB coach Jody... I always feel 100% better when I get off the phone. Too bad it wasnt cheaper! lol...
What I learned from Jody:
Put down the rope! Her example: Even a 500 lbs Sumo Wrestler cannot win a tug of war fight with a 2 year old if the 2 year old will not pick up the rope. Meaning, my H presented me with a perfect opportunity for a fight with this car issue, but if I dont pick up that rope and react the way he acticipates I am going to, I cant enable him to start a fight with me or put blame on me or resentment towards me for not "allowing" him to make his own decisions and do what he wants or thinks is right. Now does that mean it was OK for him to go and buy a car? no... but i have to detach and let him make his own decisions and have his own consequences of those decisions without me being an enabler for more conflict between us.. By responding to his email the way I did, he cannot pull me into his mistake.
Now I have to work on establishing a friendship with my H. How would I have responded to a friend who emailed me and said hey im in Iraq and i just bought a car... i wouldnt yell and tell them they were stupid, I would say hey! good for you! I need to be a friend... and he will discover on his own what mistake he may have made without feeling like he has to defend himself to me, or do things in spite of me, or whatever...cause I am not creating a conflict out of it. In a way, he gave me a perfect opportunity to show him that I am serious about my changes, he expected me to be pissed and tell him he was stupid, but i didnt... and he is probably really confused by that.
I am upset that he created that kind of financial situation for us or even just for himself... but all the money in the world is not as important as our marriage. This is a power and control thing for him right now... he felt in our marriage that he had no control or power over anything... so here he is taking some control, and I put down the rope and allowed him to do that. He will discover on his own that it was a bad decision, and he will have to sit with that, but it wont have anything to do with me or our marriage.
Thanks Jody, you set me back on the right path!
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
Wow, what great advice you're recieving. Keep up the good work, meghunny. You definitely have the right stuff for this massive task. I'm definitely looking forward to you posting your success story.
Thanks for sharing some of your coaching with us, I probably needed to hear that today too. Hope I can keep it in mind when I need it at a later time.
Good job! Keep up the good work!
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
thank you cautious, that means alot. I felt this coaching session was really important to put out there... she said alot of really insightful things. Its not necessarily a sure fire solution to him wanting a divorce, but it really helps me understand the dynamics of a R and a M and hopefully I can keep up these changes and it will have an effect on our M. If it doesnt, it is still things that I should know and be aware of in any R in the future. Thats easier said than done for sure, but at least I know some of the tools and techniques so I wont be completely clueless as to how i should handle certain things.
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
Sounds like a good meeting with DB counselor. Consider that he is looking to get a reaction that he expects and don't give it during the entire time of this crisis. Do not engage in power battles. The fact is, in six months, if he has done enough weird stuff that you truly CANNOT live with, you will wake up one day and initiate the divorce yourself. By journalling, going to IC, or talking to Jody, you buy yourself time to see who your husband is making himself into so you can decide if you still want to work on this marriage in future. If you were a little critical and controlling, do some reading about that and start working on fixing it in yourself either for this marriage or your next.
Go read Hope4Luv's sitch. She's working on "letting go" of her H planning on buying a new plane!
