How to approach W about OM

[Allen A]

I would just get her a mirror... i dont reccomend doing anything closer than you need to... this isn't because you are being cold, but simply to give her the space she wants from you

[OfficerInNeed]

Got it. If you don't mind I want to post what happened today....

My W and I go get our taxes done. We are newly married and first time home owners. Being a first time home owner we get a tax credit. Part of the agreement we have to own and reside in the home for a period of 3 years or else we have to pay the credit back. We both are on the deed and mortgage. So the tax prepairer gets up and walks away so mu W says "well at least one of us will be there for the nezt 3 years" which is implication she is moving out ect... Completely unnecessary and has stressed me out.

She threw some shots at me too but she did say after a couple of them "I'm just kidding"

I don't know how to read her.

[marriedCrazy]

You don't need to read her...cause she aint ready to be read nor pursued..

You need to worry about you. She's going to do what she wants whether or not you ever figure her out.

[Allen A]

Stop trying to read her...

Did you read the Top Five Don'ts while Divorce Busting I posted?

IGNORE 100% of what she says...

You really need to learn to take those hits or you need to keep away from her.

I am going to give you an exercise here.

What I want you to do whenever you hear her say soemthing is to try to figure out what she FEELS like at that moment.

well at least one of us will be there for the nezt 3 years
sad, angry, resentful

Those are likley choices

But the MAGICAL part of this exercise is it helps you work with her bcuase you wont' COMMENT BACK once you realize how she FEELS

If you KNOW she feels sad, angry, and resentful you are'nt going to shoot back a nasty comment, you are likley going to remani silent

In my opinion that's the best thing to do when she takes a shot at you... just do what you can to read how she FEELS and then let it go

My guess is right now you aren't trying to "read her" at all when she says that, my guess is you are interalizing it and focussing on how YOU feel having heard that

This is a VERY helpful exercise becuase its something you need to learn when you are communicating... before you talk, you assess how your audience feels and you modify what you say accordingly...

Often people DON'T do the assessment at all and they just say something back and it does damage...

Rather than commenting, and rather than interlaizing and focussing on how YOU feel, try to gauge how she feels when she says that

and feelings aren't

"she wants to leave"

THAT is not a feeling.. that's an idea she gets in RESPONSE to a feeling

A feeling is

Sad
Angry
Happy
Hopful
Bitter
Scared
Frustrated
Lost
Lonely

THESE are what you need to divulge as the subtext of what she's saying

When she says' she's gonig to leave she's very likley trying to TELL you that she's feeling sad and hopeless

YOU need to work with the "I'm feeling sad and hopeless" NOT the "I am going to leave"

OIN, there are men and women on this forum who are dealing with a LOT WORSE than the bullets you are taking every day

1. Your wife isn't having sex with another man
2. Your wife hasn't moved out
3. Your wife hasn't filed for divorce
4. Your wife isnt' even staying in a different bed is she>

I mean seriously... I don't mean to diminish what you are going through but there are people on thsi forum with CHILDREN who are dealing with a LOT LOT LOT worse and they can fight it...

You need to grow.. adults learn to NOT internalize what the spouse says to them in these times and to respond and speak to the emotions your spouse is feeling instead

Talk with her emotions, not her words and you will handle this a LOT better

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Very typical.

Puppy

[Lotus]

She is angry with you. I agree with that. You know how anger is, it lasts a while, and then it takes too much energy to keep up, so it fades. Of course, if you give her more stuff to get angry about, then she can keep the emotion going. But if you are making the changes and being a nice person to be around, how long can she stay angry?

As I said earlier, she lost her fantasy that she was enjoying. I know it hurts you that she even had the fantasy. But now she is dealing with its loss and she is feeling angry at you for taking it away. Just go on.

[jasper67]

OIN- I have to agree w/ Allen...you are extrememly fortunate to be in the place you're in. TRUST ME...it can be much worse...and not to stress you out but alot of it has to do w/ how you handle things going forward.

Jere's the beauty of it...you REALLY dont have to do much!!! Work your 180's, validate...and that's pretty much it. The hard part is being able to NOT take things personally-

I've learned an awful lot from reading other threads and seeing what didn't help me and my WAW.

When my WAW was out, I called her like crazy- WRONG
When I would do everything and she would pick out what i didn't do , I let her know it was unfair- WRONG
I pursued- WRONG
I initiated R talk/ PT- WRONG
I invited her to C- WRONG


when I didnt do R talk or initiate PT and didn't invite her- things got better...the last straw was her sleeping out w/ other men...I couldnt take it anymore and flipped/contacted MIL.

You can do this

[OfficerInNeed]

Here is one therapist I am considering

http://www.couplescounseling.biz/about/index.html

Only credentials I could find.

[Allen A]

She looks OK, I would like to see something about SBT, but overwall she's got enough here that I would support you seeing her yourself to find out the details.

I really would like to see MORE on the site explaining what her position is on infidelity, marriage, divorce, private vs shared sessions, etc

KNOWING where their boundaries are, how they go about their work, and what their policy on divorce is, is very important... but she's not posting any of that...

So you will have to get a session yourself and find out.. the good thing is, your wife will see you going and it will help you out... it will very likly give her some hope and motivate her a lot more...

[OfficerInNeed]

I called the therapist today. She does not recommend individual sessions, she likes to address both H/W. Her approach is not to reconcile but rather get a better understanding of where both H/W stand on the current state of their R and how to make the process easier whether it be reconcile, separate, divorce.

Of course with the attitude my W has right now is to separate I don't need anyone, especially on a professional level, suggest that leaving is the answer.