You're right--working on ourselves is definitely a lifetime project! I can relate to most of those family-of-origin issues you describe, since my own upbringing left me with them as well. And, in retrospect, I'm glad that it took a crisis--even if it had to be my H's MLC--to force me to move past childhood defence mechanisms that were now doing me more harm than good.
When I went to university, I noted that a surprising number of students who were interested in psychology were actually rather messed-up themselves--no doubt they were attracted to a discipline where they could learn new ways of behaving. From what I've heard from friends who've attended various sorts of counselling, and from wives/colleagues of psychiatrists, is that a number of them have NOT dealt sufficiently with their issues. Many of them are family-of-origin caretakers, who find it easier to dissect issues in others than to do their own work. (I'm NOT saying this is true of all.)
Perhaps you could try to think that it's positive your H has someone in his life with the skills to prevent his suicidal feelings ... and then try to let it go at that? When I was working on detachment, I read that it helps to consign your spouse to God's care. From long-ago Catholic teachings I called up the image of Mary (though Mother Earth would do as well if you're not religious) and imagined putting my H into her hands, which were wrapped lovingly around him. When I was tempted to obsess, I'd remind myself that I'd put him in a nurturing, safe place, so I should just concentrate on looking after myself. Somehow, it helped tremendously.
