38 years & I need physical connection with my wife

[Young at Heart]

It has been a while since I last did an update, so I thought I could use the therapy of posting something.

We had our 4th joint sex therapy session this past week and I am truly pleased with our sex therapist. She has really strectched and pushed my wife in ways that I thought were not possible. That has resulted in some really trauma on the part of my wife, but also some real changes in behaviors. (Last Sunday my wife watched a Sinclair Institute Better Sex video our sex therapist had loanded us that she found revolting, but cause her to learn about sexual positions and things my wife had previously said were perverted and discusting, but now she said she might think about trying a few of them!)

The weekend of Feb 20/21 we spent 8:30 AM to 5:30 PM each day at a Gottman Institute couples workshop on the Art and Science of Love. It really did amazing things. On Saturday it focused on our friendship and common values and hopes for the future. It really made us aware of how close we were and what great friends/team we were. The second day focused more on dreams and managing conflict. There was an exercies of dealing with issues were we were in gridlock. We chose to work on the gridlock issue of sexual frequency. We both felt really frustrated, and angry, but we had tools that kept us positive and trying to resolve things. It was amazing to work on this conflict and not be destructive to each other, call a halt to the negotiations and agree to get into it on another day. Even though the Gottman workshop was expensive, I felt it was really worthwhile and we both wished we had taken it decades ago.

We were too drained that weekend for sex, but we still felt close to each other.

The following weekend, we had a heavy petting session on Saturday morning that my wife started and that I really enjoyed. After quite a while of touching, she kissed me and got up out of bed to take a shower, with the promise of taking care of me later. I loved it and the new woman who would do that.

Sunday morning she kept her promise and we had a very nice ML session that lasted a long time and made me feel loved. We went out to breakfast afterwards and went for a 3 mile walk so as to stay connected.

Then on Saturday March 6th we ML in the morning again, with her really touching me in ways that she hasn't touched me in years.

On Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday I massaged her back in bed prior to going to sleep and on waking in the morning. We have also been doing a "greeting ritual suggest by the Gottmans of an extended hug and long kiss" at night when we see each other after a day of work. It really does seem to make a difference.

Wednesday morning we had another extended make-out session, and I told her that I felt like we were two horny teenagers rather than an old married couple. We both laughed about that and hugged and kissed. Again, she promised me that she would take care of me later, because we needed to get to work.

Last night, Thursday March 11th, she had a session with her medical doctor (who specializes in women with low libidos and is a board registered sex therapist). My wife has been really getting the therapy from all sides. We had a long slow dinner (bowl of soup, bread and cheese) and talked about what her sex therapist has been telling her. My wife also got her lab work yesterday from her doctor and she actually is well above average in testosterone level for women of her age.

The doctor told her that there was no physical reason she shouldn't be wanting sex. The doctor told her that in her opinion the reason she had not been having sex was because my wife was very angry with me and that anger was what had inhibited her. They discussed this and my wife came to the realization that she had gotten angry at me decades ago over all the housework and child-raising she was doing along with her job and that her anger had caused her to withdraw from me and our marriage and that her withdrawal had caused me to be more distant in giving her more room. The doctor had helped my wife also realized that she had not effectively communicated her needs to me, but had just withdrawn and the sex between us started to go down hill in frequency and quality. Her doctor/sex therapist then got her to talk about how hurt she felt and then about how badly I must have been hurt by the lack of sex and intimacy. Her doctor then got her to talk about what she should do about this and if she can forgive me or wants to just allow our marriage to end.

My wife shared this with me and told me that she forgave me and that she realizes that while she has blamed me, that she now understands that part of the blame resides with her and she will never allow that kind of situation to happen again.

After dinner (and my doing the dishes) my wife came over to me, while I was watching TV on the sofa and lay out, putting her head on my lap. I massaged her head and we talked about us and traveling to Europe this summer. She then started to unbutton my shirt, then unbotton her shirt. We again made out like teenagers. She then undid my belt buckle and told me to take my pants of. Then she got naked and made love to me on the sofa in the living room with the lights on, allowing me to see her naked body. She made sure it lasted a long time and that I climaxed first, then she made sure that I satisfied her.

Wow, did I feel loved, desired, and in love. I knew there was a reason that I married this woman and that I didn't give up on her.

I think we may have turned the corner on our road to recovery from an SSM. While I expect some backsliding and managing some conflicts over differing levels of desire, sex and touching, I am one happy camper at the moment.

Thank you, to all who have helped me so far and the great advice that folks have given me about hanging in their and giving my wife space and time. I also thank those who urged me to work on getting a life. My told me that my dramatic weight loss and change in lifestyle (exercising and reading relationship books that caused me to give her the love that she needed) were the example that helped her decide that she too could change.

I am continuing to read relationship boods, but now my wife is suggesting some that her individual sex therapist and medical doctor have recommended. I just strated reading "Still Sexy after all these years" and it is about women over 50, their loss of libido, levels of sexual desire that go up and down and what they do to make life sensual and enjoyable. This book really resonated with my wife and I am looking forward to finishing it and talk to her about it.

I am not going to declare this a recoverd SSM yet, but maybe in a couple months if things continue, I will. I am just one happy satisfied and well loved camper at the moment. It is a nice change from how I have felt for the past several years.

Blessing and good luck to all of you.