Seeking Serenity...

[TrentC]

Welcome to my new home

Nice! Are you going to have some plants in here? Paint the walls? I think you need a breakfast nook over there...

Below is the email draft to my H for the divorce...It will go to my lawyer however I need to know if I am forgetting anything...Is it to emotional?

Veterans please feel free to help make the necessary changes...I have one shot to get this right and I want to do it right the first time and avoid any unnecessary time spent in court fighting.

At first glance, I think it looks okay. Sadly, whether or not there is any fighting in court is not under your control, so go for what you need.

I am not a lawyer, but here are some suggestions:

H...

After a year the time has come ...I am filing for a divorce. Below are the stipulations I have...If we can come to some sort of agreement then we can file this uncontested...Please let me know what stipulations you have/don't agree with/want to change so I may let my lawyer know.

Maybe drop the "After a year the time has come". You've made your decision and you don't need to explain or justify it.

And of course he'll have things he wants to change, so maybe just go with "Please give me your reply as soon as possible so I can consult with my attorney." If you make it clear that the L will be involved, he'll know that he can't bully you.

S is old enough to decide to see me or not...While I would prefer he did, I am not pushing it at this time however I am leaving that option open.

The more you give him to push back against, the more you will be tempted to compromise on things you really want. So I'd tell him that you are seeking custody of both kids, and (privately) be willing to compromise on letting your older son stay with him.

S needs to see you and spend time with you so I am offering 2 full weekends a month, 3 weeks in the summer, major holidays every other year. You seeing him is non-negotiable.

The last I remember, your H was being an ass and barely acknowledging that younger S existed. As awful as it sounds, you can't make him have a relationship with younger S if he does not want one. Unless someone with more divorce/CS experience than I has better advice, I would not bother pushing this.

I want the first right of refusal whenever you have youngest S.

Refresh my memory -- this means he can't make plans to have relatives or other third parties take care of younger S unless you agree, right? Sounds good to me.

In lieu of spousal support I would like my health and dental to be carried through xxxxxxx...I will pay any co-payment and any work that needs to be done.

You carry the medical and dental for the boys as well and we will split the co-pay/work done.

I don't see any problem with this, but this kind of thing is out of my league; I don't know how such things are normally handled.

I keep my military ID and 1/2 your retirement.

I understand about the retirement but not the military ID. Is that normal?

Child support for S will be set within the court.

If S comes back to live with me, I reserve the right to refile for child support to include him.

Assuming you don't push for custody of both boys right off the bat, that makes sense to me.

Any extra-curricular activities for the boys will be split evenly.

Are you talking about financially, or attendance?

You have numerous things in storage so please let me know how you want to deal with that. Time and date to clean it out would be fine.

I am not sure how you want to divide everything up so please let me know this as well.

I don't know that I would make this part of a letter about divorce proceedings, and I'm not sure that you can force him to take his stuff until a D is final anyway (since its probably legally belongs to both of you still).

As for letting him set the tone, you're giving him too much room to screw with you. You're not going to resolve this in a single email exchange.

Either ask your lawyer for some good wording to the effect of "you can keep things that are obviously yours -- old uniforms, etc. -- and I can keep things that are obviously mine, and we can divide the rest equally" or save that for a future conversation.

At the beginning of the school year, by August 1st, I ask for a set $300.00 a year to help with school clothes.

I want us to each carry a life insurance policy for no less then $500,000.00 and the other party is the beneficiary...If something happens to either one of us, the other has enough to take care of the boys safely and without worry.

I like this, but I don't know if such things are common or expected so I don't know if this can be required.

I am leaving the option open to add or subtract from this based on your response.

Although you probably mean this to sound congenial or non-threatening, this kinda comes across as wishy-washy; I'd jJust say that you await his response. It's a no-brainer that he is going to have his own set of demands and expectations, and you guys will probably be hashing this out for a while.

Best of luck to you!