Aver.. I have a project for you... I don't know if I've told you to do this or not - another one of my very helpful counseling activities - I want you to post it on here......
The excercise is to play out the thing you fear - in writing. Take it to the extreme - really go after it - describe the absolute worse case scenario possible in your eyes. Write it out.. then re-read it...
The idea is if you play to the fantasy and then take a look at it - you will see it for what it really is! Try it! Its kinda fun after a while
I really would like to see what you write - I'm curious what is so awful in your head about that meeting. When I think about a chance to see OW I 1) seriously don't know if I could keep from cold clocking her 2) would just want to laugh and point and how LOW he's really gone.....
I'm glad you are talking to IC and I'm glad you are finally going to face your feelings. THAT alone will make a world of difference!
Hang in There - its a tough road to self discovery!!
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
Aver decides not to fight for the house (or loses in court).
X moves in with OW. OW...puts her toothbrush in my medicine cabinet. OW...puts her silky underthings in my closet. OW...puts her skinny a** in the Adirondack chairs that X built for US, on the porch that I helped build. (and I helped in the bathroom and the closet, too..the whole upstairs reno, even if X wants to downplay that part now) X and OW have wild sex in the bedroom under the skylight. Oh, just go ahead and fill in the wild sex everywhere...
Neighbors eventually have to accept OW as part of the neighborhood. Everyone becomes friends with her.
X and OW take lovely evening strolls around town, just as we used to do.
X and OW walk past whatever house I have moved into.
I see them....they see me...
I decide I need to pick up some food at the supermarket. I only have a basket cause I'm only shopping for one, right? Cat food...cans of soup....sad single person food. And there they are...cart overflowing with wine and cheese and ice cream...laughing...
I go to get a haircut in town. While I am in the chair--looking my worst they way you do when your hair is wet and combed flat waiting for the trim...she comes in for a tan/waxing session. Oh! chat chat with salon people! oh, yes, need tan/wax for our big trip! May 1st is the anniversary of the day we first f***ed, and we want to celebrate in a big way! Oh, I should make an appointment for June---we're getting married!
At which point Avermont picks up the scissors and stabs herself. Or maybe stabs OW first, then herself.
The worst case here, is really her moving in. I am up/down on whether I want to fight for the house. It all comes down to her moving in. Reaping the benefits of all my hard work and money and time.
How do I get past that??
I can get past seeing them together. It is inevitable, and I just want it to happen and get it over with.
Scene: Avermont walking up the street. X and OW approach from other direction. It's obvious they have just come from what was "our" bar. They're laughing, leaning on each other, smooching a bit. Avermont steels herself. Passes by. Looks them in the eyes. Says, "hi". And promptly steps in a pile of dog doo.
SCENE: Avermont at the "our" bar, on some dreadful date with some guy, who is bald, fat, and short. In walks X and OW. By this time, everyone in town has accepted that she is X's main gal, forever and forever, true love. As she is very loud, outgoing, boisterous, she greets everyone at the bar. Everyone is delighted to see her! As they brush past Avermont's table, OW slim hips hit the table; red wine spills all over Avermont. (well, luckily I don't actually drink red wine)
SCENE: Avermont goes out on early spring bike ride. Pedaling along, alone. Gets passed by X and OW on tandem bike. Lots of giggling and laughing and yahoo! about how fast they can go on a tandem as a couple.
X was always asking me to get a tandem--with that "too independent" part I was always "no way! I'm not following you ALL the time!"
Well, so far Talia, I'm about ready to go find a letter opener and stab myself.
You are a skilled writer and I hope you've maintained a healthy sense of humor as I believe you did when you wrote this...I'm afraid to say that I found some of this "catastraphyzing" amusing...but your verbage and sheer imagery was enjoyable to say the least.
Aver, I think you're like me...my friends often laugh when I am talking about how my misery because I can sometimes manage to find the humour in my ridiculous wallowing. It doesn't mean that your pain and distress isn't totally real. But your humour proves is the healthy part of you rebelling against the idea that you are doomed to misery forever.
I've started reading this book that Gardener and hoosiermama suggested to me. It's hard to read but probably just what the Dr ordered:
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing
I think you're approaching your sitch from the wrong end. You are trying to figure out IF and HOW you can be OK with him having the house, OW taking over what should be YOUR life, etc. Those are not the right questions for you right now, IMO.
You need to get back to YOU and your grief process. Work the detachment exercises, read the above book and do those exercises, keep doing The Work. Every time you have those thoughts, think of them as reminders to do your grief work. Yes, it's miserable drudgery. But it's better than stabbling yourself with sharp things.
I believe that if you do your grief work, thoughts about your H and OW will not have the same power to hurt you. And you will be able to envision a new life for yourself where the activities of H/OW are irrelevant.
(((Aver)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
