I like it too. Temperature taking is different than pursuit. Pursuit is an invitation constantly. I also think there's room for an invitation today and then one six weeks from now if you get a negative.
Well you know, after reading rr's article on pursuer/avoider....I was freaked out about initiating anything! Could be a good idea. I had as one of my goals that he ask me out, but Idon't see that happening. Now for when...we're both quite busy right now... well I'm just downright scared. I did the pursuey thing for many months at first - I do fear rejection and pumping up his ego.
On the other hand your'e right. we're in a different place now.
LOL about that article. Parts of it resonated for me, so I thought it might for you too. If you want to know the truth, my occasional invitations hurt me personally more than our R overall, I think. Showing no disappointed reaction and having alternate plans in place that H knows about relieves the pressure on him aspect, somewhat. I hope.
Don't worry about the ego pumping, if possible. You have to get your best game face on to spin the GAL on the rejection though so get ready. And then prepare to have to deal with your feelings later alone. Psyching yourself up to touch the old hot stove. LOL
The other problem is that in "doing waht works" the only times I've gotten an invitation from him were when I was avoiding him because I was angry at his abusive nature. I was actually strong enough to not be pursuing, in fact feeling like I wanted him away.
So this is why I wonder if I need to keep psyched up in this direction? I don't know!!!
FM's point about he may have barriers to initiating the positive interaction needed is possibly true. I would think about timing in relation to the MC appointments. Would not do it day before, day of, or day after if he dreads, then experiences, then is miffed about them later. That's three days of the week having emotions about the R, if he does. Bet H might not be enjoying that.
But his invitation was not neutral then, right? It was to make something up to you? A peace offering or band-aid because he did not want you angry? When's positive time without conflict coming? Those invites either came from taking all pressure off, or were a little push-pull because he sensed the pressure of your displeasure. Hard to say. Maybe I'm overthinking.
I did the pursuey thing for many months at first - I do fear rejection and pumping up his ego.
I agree with rr...ONE invitation isn't pursuey. Especially because you are GAL. I started skimming parts of AoS and seduction is about giving MIXED signals...you can't just be pulling away/self-protective all the time in piecing. You are pulling away in some areas, so it's okay to initiate a date on YOUR terms (agree with rr on the timing relative to MC). Make it clear in how you invite him that it's about pleasure and fun, not heavy stuff. Maybe even a date where there would obviously be a focus OTHER than talking, like drinks while catching a jazz band (or whatever equivalent that you would both enjoy).
At this point you inviting him to something fun would be a 180, right? So try it then monitor the 48 hours after very carefully. And have a self-care/face-saving plan in place if he says no (like setting up in advance a back-up friend to go with anyway).
And his ego being pumped up is GOOD, as long as he is treating you well.
Last edited by flowmom; 03/12/1006:46 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Fm and rr, thank you. You are right. I'm going to consider it. But I remember that two months ago I invited H to a party and he declined and I felt so upset and then he used that against me saying "See you freak out over everything." I don't know if I can do that again.
Well ok, next week is the anniversary of the bomb so I'm going to lay low. AFter that I will try again.
