Seeking Serenity...

[Serenity13]

Welcome to my new home


Below is the email draft to my H for the divorce...It will go to my lawyer however I need to know if I am forgetting anything...Is it to emotional?

Veterans please feel free to help make the necessary changes...I have one shot to get this right and I want to do it right the first time and avoid any unnecessary time spent in court fighting.

((((Hugs)))

H...

After a year the time has come ...I am filing for a divorce. Below are the stipulations I have...If we can come to some sort of agreement then we can file this uncontested...Please let me know what stipulations you have/don't agree with/want to change so I may let my lawyer know.

S is old enough to decide to see me or not...While I would prefer he did, I am not pushing it at this time however I am leaving that option open.

S needs to see you and spend time with you so I am offering 2 full weekends a month, 3 weeks in the summer, major holidays every other year. You seeing him is non-negotiable.

I want the first right of refusal whenever you have youngest S.

In lieu of spousal support I would like my health and dental to be carried through xxxxxxx...I will pay any co-payment and any work that needs to be done.

You carry the medical and dental for the boys as well and we will split the co-pay/work done.

I keep my military ID and 1/2 your retirement.

Child support for S will be set within the court.

If S comes back to live with me, I reserve the right to refile for child support to include him.

Any extra-curricular activities for the boys will be split evenly.

You have numerous things in storage so please let me know how you want to deal with that. Time and date to clean it out would be fine.

I am not sure how you want to divide everything up so please let me know this as well.

At the beginning of the school year, by August 1st, I ask for a set $300.00 a year to help with school clothes.

I want us to each carry a life insurance policy for no less then $500,000.00 and the other party is the beneficiary...If something happens to either one of us, the other has enough to take care of the boys safely and without worry.

I am leaving the option open to add or subtract from this based on your response.

Sincerely,

Me

[Gardener]

Serenity,
First, why send it at all?
Second, does your L approve?
Third, my thoughts:

H

After a year the time has come ...I am filing for a divorce. Below are the stipulations I have...If we can come to some sort of agreement agree, then we can file this uncontested...Please let me your Lawyer know what stipulations you have/don't agree with/want to change so I may let my lawyer knowyour positions on these stipulations and provide a response to my L.. I am being represented by X Name/X Firm, X address.

S is old enough to decide to see me or not...While I would prefer he did, I am not pushing it at this time however I am leaving that option open.Due to older S's age, I'm sure the court will strongly consider his preference in deciding his living/visitation agreements.

Younger S needs his father - his fathers time - so I insist upon his visitatiion consisting of at least 2 full weekends a month, 3 weeks in the summer, major holidays every other year. This is non-negotiable.

I wantwill have the first right of refusal whenever you have youngest S.

In lieu of my requesting my rightful spousal support I would like myI'll accept your continuing to provide my health and dental to be carried through xxxxxxx...I will of course be responsible for co-payments (deductibles?)pay any co-payment and any work that needs to be done.as well as required paperwork submissions, etc.

Naturally, you will continue to provide medical and dental coverage for your sons.You carry the medical and dental for the boys as well andCo-payments and other related out-of-pocket expenses will be shared equitably.

I keep my military ID and 1/2 your retirement.This is a given in almost all cases.Leave it out. Why p!ss him off? It will be better coming from his lawyer when the time comes.

Child support for S will be set within the court of course will be mandated by the court.

If S comes back to live with me, I reserve the right to refile for child support to include him.

TMI/TOO SOON**Any extra-curricular activities for the boys will be split evenly.

You have numerous things in storage so please let me know how you want to deal with that. Time and date to clean it out would be fine.

I am not sure how you want to divide everything up so please let me know this as well.

At the beginning of the school year, by August 1st, I ask for a set $300.00 a year to help with school clothes.

I want us to each carry a life insurance policy for no less then $500,000.00 and the other party is the beneficiary...If something happens to either one of us, the other has enough to take care of the boys safely and without worry.

I am leaving the option open to add or subtract from this based on your response.

Sincerely,

Me [/quote]

Now, Serenity, having given my (unprofessional) thoughts above. I strongly suggest you not send this. It is all TMI/TOO SOON I think your Lawyer should simply have him served. That should be your opening salvo: To let him know you are divorcing him. The rest can and should come later. From your lawyer. To his lawyer. That's what they are for.

(((Serenity)))

[CityGirl]

I am no expert but I would shorten it, give him less leeway and be more matter of fact.

Dear H,

I have decided to file for divorce. If you agree on all matters we will be able to file an uncontested divorce. If we are unable to agree I have decided to turn all remaining matters over to my legal counsel.

S has reached the age where he can decide if he chooses to see me or not. While I will not push the issue I would like to leave the door open for future visits.

I am seeking full custody of son with two weekends per month, 3 weeks per summer and alternating holidays allocated to you.

I seek first right of refusal when you have youngest S.

In lieu of spousal support I seek full dental and medical coverage for 10,000 years ( ). While the cost of the policy will be your responsibility I will be responsible for co-pays.

NOTE: Are you SURE you want to waive spousal support?

I seek full medical/dental coverage for the children at your expense. All co-pays will be split between us.

Monthly child support will be set at the Court's discretion. Should S choose to live with me full time I reserve the right to revisit the child support via the Courts.

In addition to court ordered child support I seek 300.00 per school year, payable by Aug. 1, for clothing and supplies for the children. I request we split the costs for all activities related to the children.

I seek half of your retirement fund and my military ID. I also request we both carry a life insurance policy of 500K naming one another as sole beneficiary until the children reach the age of 25.

Please provide a time and date as to when you will be retrieving your items from the storage shed.

NOTE: I would not give him the option to add or subtract things. I would also not ask him how he wants to divide other things. Instead you tell him what you are seeking (ask for more so you have room to negotiate).

[CityGirl]

Also, I would not send anything until your attny at least takes a look at it.

[Serenity13]

(((Gardener)))

Nice to see you my friend as always...

No the lawyer wasn't agreeable with me notifying him first however I am trying to diffuse the anger by letting him know ahead of time...

I can't help but remember the way he acted upon being served the c/s out of the blue...

That was brutal and hateful and I don't want to have to go down that road again so I thought I would be nice and give him a heads up...

[CityGirl]

Well, he won't like it either way and there is nothing you can do about his reaction. Plus, if he chooses not to agree to your terms and conditions you have just give him ALL kind of info to present to his legal counsel.

Please listen to your attny. Let him do the hard stuff and deal with the BS. Tell your attny what you want/need and let him/her get it for you.

[TrentC]

Welcome to my new home

Nice! Are you going to have some plants in here? Paint the walls? I think you need a breakfast nook over there...

Below is the email draft to my H for the divorce...It will go to my lawyer however I need to know if I am forgetting anything...Is it to emotional?

Veterans please feel free to help make the necessary changes...I have one shot to get this right and I want to do it right the first time and avoid any unnecessary time spent in court fighting.

At first glance, I think it looks okay. Sadly, whether or not there is any fighting in court is not under your control, so go for what you need.

I am not a lawyer, but here are some suggestions:

H...

After a year the time has come ...I am filing for a divorce. Below are the stipulations I have...If we can come to some sort of agreement then we can file this uncontested...Please let me know what stipulations you have/don't agree with/want to change so I may let my lawyer know.

Maybe drop the "After a year the time has come". You've made your decision and you don't need to explain or justify it.

And of course he'll have things he wants to change, so maybe just go with "Please give me your reply as soon as possible so I can consult with my attorney." If you make it clear that the L will be involved, he'll know that he can't bully you.

S is old enough to decide to see me or not...While I would prefer he did, I am not pushing it at this time however I am leaving that option open.

The more you give him to push back against, the more you will be tempted to compromise on things you really want. So I'd tell him that you are seeking custody of both kids, and (privately) be willing to compromise on letting your older son stay with him.

S needs to see you and spend time with you so I am offering 2 full weekends a month, 3 weeks in the summer, major holidays every other year. You seeing him is non-negotiable.

The last I remember, your H was being an ass and barely acknowledging that younger S existed. As awful as it sounds, you can't make him have a relationship with younger S if he does not want one. Unless someone with more divorce/CS experience than I has better advice, I would not bother pushing this.

I want the first right of refusal whenever you have youngest S.

Refresh my memory -- this means he can't make plans to have relatives or other third parties take care of younger S unless you agree, right? Sounds good to me.

In lieu of spousal support I would like my health and dental to be carried through xxxxxxx...I will pay any co-payment and any work that needs to be done.

You carry the medical and dental for the boys as well and we will split the co-pay/work done.

I don't see any problem with this, but this kind of thing is out of my league; I don't know how such things are normally handled.

I keep my military ID and 1/2 your retirement.

I understand about the retirement but not the military ID. Is that normal?

Child support for S will be set within the court.

If S comes back to live with me, I reserve the right to refile for child support to include him.

Assuming you don't push for custody of both boys right off the bat, that makes sense to me.

Any extra-curricular activities for the boys will be split evenly.

Are you talking about financially, or attendance?

You have numerous things in storage so please let me know how you want to deal with that. Time and date to clean it out would be fine.

I am not sure how you want to divide everything up so please let me know this as well.

I don't know that I would make this part of a letter about divorce proceedings, and I'm not sure that you can force him to take his stuff until a D is final anyway (since its probably legally belongs to both of you still).

As for letting him set the tone, you're giving him too much room to screw with you. You're not going to resolve this in a single email exchange.

Either ask your lawyer for some good wording to the effect of "you can keep things that are obviously yours -- old uniforms, etc. -- and I can keep things that are obviously mine, and we can divide the rest equally" or save that for a future conversation.

At the beginning of the school year, by August 1st, I ask for a set $300.00 a year to help with school clothes.

I want us to each carry a life insurance policy for no less then $500,000.00 and the other party is the beneficiary...If something happens to either one of us, the other has enough to take care of the boys safely and without worry.

I like this, but I don't know if such things are common or expected so I don't know if this can be required.

I am leaving the option open to add or subtract from this based on your response.

Although you probably mean this to sound congenial or non-threatening, this kinda comes across as wishy-washy; I'd jJust say that you await his response. It's a no-brainer that he is going to have his own set of demands and expectations, and you guys will probably be hashing this out for a while.

Best of luck to you!

[Gardener]

Serenity , my friend:

(((Gardener)))

Nice to see you my friend as always...

No the lawyer wasn't agreeable with me notifying him first however I am trying to diffuse the anger by letting him know ahead of time...

I can't help but remember the way he acted upon being served the c/s out of the blue...

That was brutal and hateful and I don't want to have to go down that road again so I thought I would be nice and give him a heads up...

I have to strongly disagree with you here and agree with your lawyer. I doubt your letter will diffuse anything: he is going to react the way he is going to react.

He should hear your stipulations from his lawyer in a a professional manner in a professional, non/emotional setting, where he will have to respond maturely to someone he wouldn't dare act like an a$$hole to.

Gypsy wisely told me, simply: "Obey your lawyer. Period"

Extracting yourself emotionally from a marriage is one thing. You have been and are still doing that.

Divorce is business. Pure and simple.
(Come to think of it, I think Gypsy said those last two things, too!)

And, sorry, but, "I thought I would be nice" time is over.

Be prepared with the mantra, "Have your lawyer bring that up with mine. I refuse to talk about it."

(((HUGS)))) ^^^^PRAYERS^^^^

[TrentC]

Please listen to your attny. Let him do the hard stuff and deal with the BS. Tell your attny what you want/need and let him/her get it for you.

...and of course, CityGirl cuts right to it. This.

[CityGirl]

Can't decide if that is a compliment or not, lol!

Signed,
Miss Blunt