Hello! This will be long, sorry! While I have been a member of website for some time now,I have never posted. I have been VERY lucky to have found support via outside source who told me of this place. Also once a poster here I understand. Anyway it was suggested to me, that I start posting here so I can perhaps get a variety of responses. I don't want to wear her out with questions!
Just reading the stories has been extremely helpful. But anyway, I am in NC phase with a WS. My H. He is in mlc. He started mlc, obvious signs, in 08, but probably started before that a couple of years. Has been out of the house since May 09. I should say, he spends nights at friends place and came home during the days to do whatever. Well, it was stringing me out quite badly. Letting him do whatever he wanted, whenever he felt like. No boundaries. And I have now moved on to NC strategy. It has helped me get my bearings. I am feeling a lot more at peace. I am able to think again. Not entirely well, but I am getting there! We have both been seeing a therapist for over a year. Well, I recently have realized that therapist is unwitingly supporting H. It has not been a benefit to me seeing her for this situation. And it is helping H to stay in his delusional thinking. You know...rewriting history, I am to blame, etc. So I have had many things suggested to me by therapist that just had me going in circles. I couldn't get a clear direction of where to go. And I always come out of sessions in much worse condition than when I went in. Thankfully I have had the support of mlc veteran reconciler. And the therapist always seems to be on opposite end of strategies with helper and info here. That should be my first clue!
The therapist has been very good in helping me with my own issues, obsessive thinking, anxiety panic \attacks, building up my self esteem. But to make a VERY long story shorter...She was concerned that NC was a bad idea. She thought that H would spin out of orbit with out my presence. She feels I am his centering force and without me present, it would send him off with no direction. Well, I thought that is what he is already doing, but hey. Well, last week it was brought to my attention that therapist is sending H to her partner. She is burnt I think, but she wants him to go to him for a few sessions. I have told her I am dropping down to once a month. I may not even keep that at this point. She thinks that my H is not going to get what he is supposed to do with NC. She doesn't think he will think on it and come to tealize that "hey, if I want to see my W, I will have to think about her terms."
So I have been plagued with that thought of him not getting it. Going for months in NC, and he is not going to get it. Therapist feels he is settling in his "new life," more easy with this strategy. I do not agree. So I had a thought, do I wait until X amount of time..and see what happens. And if nothing happens, could I maybe do something like, tell him he can come home during the day, if he can treat me with respect, tells me of coming and going, no dropping in whenever he feels like it and leaving the same, more of a routine. Hug when he leaves, etc? Or do I just continue on with NC, no matter what amount of time I want to put in to it? What are your thoughts? Any suggestions? Sorry so long, but I wanted to give a little history. Thanks!
M\51- H\53 crisis-08 M-30 years 2-D's 25\22 ILYBINILWY - Feb 09 BD - Mar 09 Sep- May 09 NC -Jan 10 H fl'd papers Aug-10
If your H is in MLC, there is nothing much you can do to speed up the process. The common strategy for MLC is to be his friend, that is, if you can establish some boundaries to protect yourself from emotional abuse.
If you can handle being his friend, I think that it could be helpful in the long run if you are working on getting your marriage back. I would try that first and see how it feels. I would think that the NC is more meant to protect YOU.
Please read the links in "resources", there is lots of info on MLC and what to expects or rather what not to expect.
You mentioned that even thou he doesn't live with you anymore, he comes to the house anytime he pleases. I had to set a boundary about that with my WH. I told him that I want to be home when he comes to the house and that he has to call ahead of time if he wants to come over and that even if I know that he is coming he is to ring the bell and not to use his key to just walk in. He respects it now.
These are just my opinions, If anyone doesn't agree with me please free to jump in and set me straight.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Thank you Jack threebeans Ok, I like that DB1o1 tip! I should've clarified that if NC is going to work, I don't want to break NC if I don't have to. I have been in it for a little over 2 months, so I will give it some more time. But if it gets into 3-4-6 months and nothing is happening, then I would probably change something. what do you feel is a good amount of time to wait before deciding nothing is working? More to the point, how long do I let it go before I do some change? Is 6 months a good amount of time? To long, to soon?
"Sorry no one got back to you yesterday" No problem J3Beans! Thanks for your response and suggestions.
M\51- H\53 crisis-08 M-30 years 2-D's 25\22 ILYBINILWY - Feb 09 BD - Mar 09 Sep- May 09 NC -Jan 10 H fl'd papers Aug-10
Thankyou Mila! Yup, NC is definitely for me. It has really helped me to get my bearings as I said. My H does not come to the house as he pleases now since I implemented NC. He is allowed 1 day a week for 4 hours on that day to read and check mail. I will lengthen that amount of time as we go. Provided H complies with my boundaries. And I do try to be his friend as well. I use the 12 step program to live each day and implement it into this crisis as well. Compassion is the way, but not to the extent of not taking care of me. So I treat H with respect regardless of how he receives it, but not so much as to jepardize or compromise my well-being. I am glad your H has found respect for your boundaries as well.
M\51- H\53 crisis-08 M-30 years 2-D's 25\22 ILYBINILWY - Feb 09 BD - Mar 09 Sep- May 09 NC -Jan 10 H fl'd papers Aug-10
I think the amount of time you give things to see if they are working is subjective. What is working best for you about NC? That you have gotten your bearings a little bit is good. Do you feel stong enough to make a small change right now? If so, what would it be?
You can always go back to NC.
You also need to define what "working" is for you. It probably won't be his suddenly changing his mind. Does "working" mean easier conversations or possibly just less tension when you do see him?
Grace, thankyou for your response. Okay, I am beginning to understand this NC better. I believe I could make a small change. Maybe I would add a day on the weekend for H to come to house to do things in garage or house. Something like that to begin with. See how that would go. maybe build up to the idea I wrote above to Jack3beans.
I could give him a time frame to be at house. say from 10:00 to 6:00. Something like that. He could have dinner with family. Something along these lines.
Oh I know he won't be suddenly changing his mind on things. Working will be about respecting me, and more conversation. Yes, less tension from him would be good. Thanks! This was helpful.
M\51- H\53 crisis-08 M-30 years 2-D's 25\22 ILYBINILWY - Feb 09 BD - Mar 09 Sep- May 09 NC -Jan 10 H fl'd papers Aug-10
