WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

I've seen a lawyer.. but she wasn't very helpful... just kept pushing mediation though H wouldn't go for it at all... Her firm requires a $2400 retainer to take on a client.. might as well be a million to me right now..

I'm pretty sure he didn't file for D.. He just knows my reaction when he said it before... but I'm not buying into that reaction any more (he doesn't know that though).

I have a line on another lawyer.. through a person who works at my son's school... His wife said she would ensure that I got free advice from him as she has done it once before for someone and he's willing to do that with people in difficult situations... I just have to let her know when I have my questions ready and make the appointment. If he has to do any work of course I would have to pay, but I think he'd allow me to make payments and not forward a retainer..

[DiamondGirl]

Okay.. I see it..

Thinking ahead = wasted energy cuz it hasn't happened and not sure it will

H in school = his problem to report or not.. my feelings on the matter are irrelevant to my life as it is his to own...

Whole thinking thing last night = wasted energy as I wasn't concentrating on the one thing I can control... ME

Anger re: school - my problem to work out and get rid of because anger is toxic to ME (and wasted energy)

I realized that I was angry at H for going to school NOW when I had been trying to encourage him for years to try it...

No 2x4s necessary... but splinters welcome as I'm building a boat to sail away on vacation...

[DiamondGirl]

March break camp is set up for S13 (good thing, cuz it starts next week).. so now I'm on to hunting for funding for him to be able to go to Summer Camp for 6 weeks (I hope) this year...

I'm a little late in applying for funding, so we'll see how it goes... S13 looks forward to it as he has reached a stage where he craves being around peers, even though he doesn't play directly with them most times...

GAL - Looking forward to this weekend... going to stay at a friend's place overnight on Saturday after work... going to a psychic either that night or Sunday (since Jack didn't have a crystal ball ) Just going for fun as my friend says she's legit but who knows... I'll take what she says with a pound of crystal.. (or maybe Crystale? )

Something my cousin said to me made me pause. She said she'd noticed for a long while that H hasn't treated me as well as he should have (lovingly etc).
Now, at first I took it as her being defensive for me and supporting me. However, it made me think that if H were to come back somewhere down the line, would I be happy with the same way he treated me now that *I'm* changing? No, I want and deserve more. I deserve the occasional flowers (he said he didn't see the point to giving them), small displays of affection like that.

I think that falls under the 5 Love Languages territory.. It made me see that not only did I not show him love the way he needed, but he was equally lax (due to not knowing how, just like me) in not showing me.

It's a relief to look back a little bit on the M without feeling a huge pain wave overtaking me...

Now if that would only carry forward to his emails etc...

[Mila]

Cuz what was wrong with our marriage was fixable.. and MLC isn't mine to fix..

I feel the same way, WH didn't even give us a chance to fix what he was unhappy about, mind you there were not many complains until he went into "Replay" and started his affair... then he rewrote our marriage history.

It just blows my mind that he feels that he can throw 32 years of being together away like that, it just confirms that this is NOT ABOUT US it's his own "demons" that he is dealing with.

[Mila]

Would I be happy with the same way he treated me now that *I'm* changing? No, I want and deserve more. I deserve the occasional flowers (he said he didn't see the point to giving them), small displays of affection like that.

I think that falls under the 5 Love Languages territory.. It made me see that not only did I not show him love the way he needed, but he was equally lax (due to not knowing how, just like me) in not showing me.

Wow, I've been thinking about the same thing. We had many great things going for us in our marriage, but after 32 years you get into a bit of a rut and start taking each other for-granted to a certain degree. You know that you love each other and you kind of forget to show it in ways that the other person would appreciate (depending on their Love language). Thinking back I really missed not being shown more affection from him - compliments, hugging, touching, kissing for no reason (he would do it only when he was ready to be intimate). But in my mind I would just accept it as , "Well this is how he is, he is not a very touchy-feely guy, but I know that he loves me".

I believe that these things are easily fixable in marriage, if both parties are willing.

[Mila]

Sorry one more post.

I've seen a lawyer.. but she wasn't very helpful... just kept pushing mediation though H wouldn't go for it at all... Her firm requires a $2400 retainer to take on a client.. might as well be a million to me right now..

Just a thought about this lawyer situation, you are in Canada. I don't know which Province you are in but there are free lawyer services available for eligible people. Depending on your income. Try to contact "Legal Aid" for more info, they may have some information on their web site as well.

[DiamondGirl]

Hi Mila,

Thanks for the Legal Aid tip.. but I've already been down that path and I don't qualify. I have a fairly good paying job now (finally) and they don't look at your expenses so to them, I make too much money.

[DiamondGirl]

Thinking back I really missed not being shown more affection from him - compliments, hugging, touching, kissing for no reason (he would do it only when he was ready to be intimate).

That was the same with us (except H did a lot of complimenting to me and I came to rely on it for my self esteem)... but I grew up without the physical affection shown so with all the life stresses I was unprepared for, I slipped back into the "feel emotion but don't show it" way I learned when very young. That was my "comfort zone" way to relate to everyone. H kept complaining about lack of sex, but what sex meant to me and him were completely different. He meant intimacy, affection, etc and didn't know how to tell me (he was raised not to ask for anything or he got hit or ridiculed)... I grew up due to my abusive past as seeing sex, love and positive feelings being totally separate things.

[DiamondGirl]

I think that is why I find it difficult to 100% believe that OW and H won't last. Because she hasn't had the "issues" that I have had and doesn't need to unlearn the negative patterns and coping mechs that I have to. So in a way, she can give him what he so desperately needed from me without "hangups" or a learning curve.

Affection, validation, boundaries, and approval are all things I grew up without and now I am having to learn those things that kids naturally learn without trying for my own benefit. (all things H grew up without as well and craves).

Social isolation was a big part of my childhood as well, so I'm having to learn how to talk to people without anger, sarcasm, bluntness and to be aware of those invisible boundaries in conversations. At the same time, I'm trying to guide my 3 year old and teach my Autistic son the same lessons (re: social skills training) Feels like the blind leading the blind.

I'm not beating myself up about it because I am who I am because of what I have gone through and survived, but it's a depressing thought for me that she may be less "damaged" and less work to be with... And H always takes the easy way out...

[Cyrena]

Hi Diamond Girl,

Wow, I'm really impressed by all the insights you've been having about how your childhood impacted your adult self, and ways in which you now know you need to grow. And it's really good that you're not beating yourself up about it, but rather accepting that although there's no way to change (or therefore regret) past choices, you can change yourself NOW. In my opinion, that's one of the most important lessons which people learn here, and it's always awesome to watch someone discovering their strengths and making changes which they can take pride in (and which will positively impact their children). So, well done, you!

About the OW, try not to waste time thinking that she is less "damaged" than you. For one thing, it's all speculation or projection, or one of those kinds of "disordered thinking" that we're warned about because we're substituting them for reality.

For another, from what I've read, OW are never less damaged--they're just damaged in different ways. For one thing, no emotionally healthy woman would get involved with a married man. For another, depressed men do not seek out partners who are in a better space than they are: they are attracted to the same negative energies in the OW that they feel in themselves.

In my H's case, he seemed to be attracted to the OW's anger, jealousy of those who were more successful, blaming others, and above all to her need to be rescued. Often, the OW is even a substitute for the mother who rejected or hit or otherwise abused them--a desperate attempt to fix that type of relationship. In the end, of course, the MLCer has to accept that the past is past and work on its effects on himself, just as you are doing.