YEP. That is EXACTLY what I am saying. You don't want her making contact 90% of the time.. You want it to be 100% of the time.. For now. We can talk about when to contact her and when it is ok to contact her later. For now, leave her alone.
When she FEELS that you may have really really really let her go and may even be happier WITHOUT her, then is when she will start to toss everything around in her head.. "Am I doing the right thing, what if I am making a mistake, is he seeing someone else, and on and on and on...
She CAN'T think those things now BECAUSE of the pressure she feels because she KNOWS and FEELS you STILL want her back. How can she really respect you if you don't have the deep deep conviction that you WILL NOT SHARE your wife with another man?
There is only one REAL way to prove that to her and to prove to her that you are a man of integrity, strength, resolve, decisiveness, confidence and great self esteem.... AND THAT is by not saying another word about what she is doing and just silently moving on and acting like you are not even thinking about it for one more second of your life...
WHEN she FEELS that attitude, is when you may have your opening.
Think about this.... Your emotions of loss of her never coming back are fueling this.. Why? BECAUSE you feel SHE has let go. See how that works? She is doing to you the thing that works to stir up emotions. The threat of irrevocable loss. The fear of loss. She can't feel those feeling if she hasn't had to face the reality and the actual feelings a person goes through UNTIL you prove to her that maybe YOU don't want HER back. Maybe you DON'T want a woman who keeps sleeping and falling for other men...... You can only get her to feel that loss by acting as if you don't care anymore. "NOTHING MORE TO TALK ABOUT ATTITUDE.. "I get it. You want HIM."
She already is basically telling you she wants him, but it isn't what you want to hear or believe or tell yourself right now because of your confidence and self esteem level.
I was on my way to S8 conferences when I see my W pass by in front of me. She is supposed to be at FIL w/ S8. I follow her the FIL house and ask her where S8 is. She said he's in the house, I had to go sign some papers. I gave a look and left for the conferences. Later I asked her what papers. Divorce.
She went and got a lawyer and filed, why our son sat by himself. Is it just me or is that wrong. She thinks it's ok.
So she filed for divorce. Now I know it's over. I thought I would feel worse than I do.
Big deal---and I mean that w/ all respect...many people on this forum have filed multiple times...it's just a piece of paper...that's it...remember you "dont care anyway"- act as if you could care less...you already told her you want to work it out...no need to remind her of that.
We are in the same stage...I myself am contemplating filing...my W is now officially in a R on FB w/ a 41 yo douche-bag divorcee, and she's got the pictures showing MIL's approval (MIL is hugging on OM2) to prove it. She's removed her M name, and moves out this weekend...this is OM2 mind you and she found him 1 week before moving out and that was 2 weeks after OM1...
Screw them!! Act as if, show her some loss, and KNOW that you'll BE OK w/ whatever happens.
Right now she's got everything to regret- walking out on a family and not giving things a real shot...reality/confusion will set in...and you, my friend, will be able to sleep at night!!
Am I cool w/ everything in my sitch...not really, but I'm DONE caring so much. I'm reading books on M/R's, communication, love, spirituality, etc- W is out getting high on BS feelings that will fade anyway!!!!!
It's like when you were in school going to class and studying and your roommate was getting high and sleeping in...they will regret it (and trust me, I was the roommate and yes I regret it).
Good things take work, and effort, and PAIN...you SACRIFICE temporary pleasures and gratification for something bigger and better.
Keep working on you, read, GAL, etc...and don't say a G-D word to her unless its through your L.
We were going to go the mediation route. Our last finacial conversation brought this on. I told her I was not going to bail her out anymore. She didn't want to be with me why should I pay for your stuff.
I asked how she was going to pay for the L. She will be making payments. She has never been able make payments in her life.
I can't afford a L. But if I have to get one I'll figure something out. It would be wise to protect myself.
You and I are a like maynard. Even the school part. Thanks for your great words.
Is it ok to start taking photos down, put wedding/honeymoon kick kanks away, get her crap out of my site? Or would that look bad if she stops by?
I don't know what to do with the world around me that included her. I know I need to do the stuff for me. Do I consider myself single, I know she will?
I don't want a D. I made a commitment when I got married. I will always choose family first. I fight for what matters most to me. I can't stand in her way if she wants this.
My heart and my head are fighting over what I want.
My head says she is a no good, lying, cheating, betraying, crazy, immoral, not so nice person;)
My heart says she is my wife, a human being, the mother of your child, and I still love her.
Goals? I'm so consumed with the D I don't have any other goals but to stop it. Since we've been M (3 years) I've been improving myself. Getting in better shape (still a way to go but I have lost over 100lbs twice), eat better, I quite smoking, learned to control my anger. I have been doing 180s for a long time before I knew what they were. For me to GAL I take W out of the equation and keep doing what I'm doing.
Last night I took everything out our bed room that was hers. Need to box up her cloths still. I going to go room by room and do something to change it.
I'm a little leery about getting a L. I have only met with one a few weeks ago. She was very expensive but the best in town. Should I consult with some others? Forgive my ignorance. This is my first rodeo. I'm not sure how best to protect myself.
Saturday morning W called, I didn’t answer. I sent her an email later asking what she wanted. She needed to talk to me about S8 and him living with me full time while she is in school. She then called 4 more times. I didn’t answer. She sent me an email asking me to pick up my phone. I replied I am more than happy to take S8 any night you need. “Smart” was the last thing she emailed.
I went shopping after that. While I was between stores W called me to say she was at our house getting the rest of her cloths. I told if she was going to be there I needed to be there too. When I got there she was pissed. I stayed cool, didn’t get upset. She kept saying how she tried to call me about this. I said you tried to call me about S8 schedule not this. I went about my business while she continued to pack. When she was done she sat on the couch and stared at me. I ask if she wanted to talk about something. She started to say how sorry she was, how I knew this was coming. I stayed cool and calm. Then she wanted to have sex. After some more VERY long conversation about sex and other R stuff we did it. I figured it would probably be the last time, so why not.
Some of the R talk involved her problem again with me having a girlfriend. I reassured I do not. She got upset because I changed my facebook status to single. Stupid I know.
Later W sent a text. “It felt good being with you again, U know”. I said Thanks. Saturday night she texted me again. She wanted to do sexting before she went to bed. I tried to but I’m not so good at it. Big hands small buttons, so we said goodnight.
Sunday night W came over to see S8. We played yatzee. After S8 went to bed she wanted to talk again. She told me I have to pick up papers at her lawyers office if I don’t want to be served. She said I have 30 days to sign or she gets everything she wants. I sat there for a while. Ok, I said. Again she said you new this was coming. We had a good time the last couple of days she said. She wants us to stay friends. She doesn’t want me to be angry with her. I told her I don’t how I’m going to feel. You are doing something a friend wouldn’t do. She kept staring at me. I asked her leave, but she kept pushing the please don’t be angry I want to stay friends crap. I started to tear up and asked her to leave and she did.
Later she called while I was on the phone with an old friend. W sent 2 text messages begging for me to answer my phone. I did and we had another long talk about the R. For the first time she talked about coming back. Not so much that she was thinking about doing it but she did say “if I came back” and “how could I come back when…”. Her big problems seem to be the fact she has left me three times now, what will other people think, we have done so much to hurt each other in the past…. I told her the same things I always do. I asked her if she was going to come back does she know what she would have to do. She knew she would have to change, but I get the feeling she is not ready yet.
The best part was she actually said we may start over again after we divorced. This is the first time she has gone this far. Is she on the fence now? I’m so confused, one second she’s telling me to pick up the papers the next she’s talking about getting back together. I asked why are going through all of this divorce stuff, spending money we don’t have, putting our selves through this process if we “might” get back together someday.
I can’t remember everything, so much was said. What a rollercoaster.
By the end of the conversation, because I couldn’t guarantee we would stay friends and I couldn’t guarantee the divorce process was going be easy for her, she got upset and said we should only talk about S8 from now on and anything else should be through or lawyers. I paused, said fine and goodnight. Later I texted her “goodbye ”. She replied the same.
This morning I get “I will always love and care about you. Bye.”
The more I think about her behavior this weekend, the more it feels like she is pursuing me a little. She initiates the hugs, kisses, conversations, emails, texts, phone calls....am I wrong here?
During one of our long talks in regards to "seeing" OP. She went back and fourth about me getting a girlfriend before we divorced. She said it was ok if I wanted to she would understand. Then she went on to say she was not looking for anybody. She wanted to be alone and didn't want anyone. I said I can be alone too, but I don't want to be lonely.
I don't know, so much was said. I'm having a hard time putting it all together. I get the feeling she is coming around and then she pulls the rug out by making comments about picking up the papers and I have 30 days to sign B.S.
