So W came over last night. (I was a little bit late getting home, legitimately busy at work.) She asked if she could sit by me on the couch, I said she should sit apart from me on the chair. She said she has a lease, but is hesitant to sign it because it seems too final. I told her it was her choice, not mine.

I told her I could no longer be her best friend after she lied to me, cheated on me, and walked out on me when I needed her most. I would no longer implicitly condone her actions by remaining her friend after she left me for another man. When she walked out of our marriage, she walked out on her best friend. I cancelled our "friend dates" for this month. This visibly shook her.

Surprisingly, she asked me if I really thought things could work out between us. I told her she knows my feelings on it, but I would no longer be the only one with my whole heart in it. If she wanted to try again I needed her full heart, open communication, and I needed to be able to trust her. I told her she needed to take the first step. She hesitated, then told me she thought she had to let me go. I accepted this calmly since it's what I expected from the start. But to know that she has doubts shook ME, though I don't think I showed it too much.

We talked about her moving out this weekend. I told her she could take anything that was "hers," but anything that was "ours" we needed to discuss. She doesn't even have a bed to sleep on, and she's moving into a dingy little apartment with a one year lease because it's the only thing she could find that allowed pets. We're sharing the dogs, which is okay because it will free me up to get out of town if I want to. We discussed coming up with a schedule for them.

She looked tired and sad, and I just wanted to hold her and kiss her, but I held myself back. I didn't touch her when she left. I wanted so badly to call her last night and I want to e-mail her right now telling her not to sign the lease, but that feels like pursuing her. If she chooses to come home it will have to be her decision.

Best case scenario, she calls today and asks to come back. I'll honestly have to think about it, and only with the above conditions. Worst case scenario, I got my self respect back last night. If she doesn't love me anymore at least she'll respect me.

Thoughts on e-mailing her asking her not to sign the lease for another week? My heart tells me to do it, my brain tells me not to.