Loved and Supported...

[karen812]

Hi,
I think a lot of us women have that prob. here-when our h's are quiet or what we PERCEIVE as distant, we make ASSumptions. Or in my case, get paranoid.

But, as RMC said, don't we ALL feel like that at one time or another? Like sometimes we feel bubbly and talkative, but other days we just want to be mellow and not feel like we have to be "on." and just chill???

Venus/Mars-men are like rubberbands-they need to expand themselves for a little while (to regain their own sense of self I guess) and then they come back. What we need to do is trust that they WILL come back. And, if we get in their space, they just back off even further.

And another thing, , they need to feel accepted by us no matter what mood they are in. (provided it is not abusive.)
Ok, I'm going to go take my own advice now!

hope all is well,
ttys!
karen

[Zoo]

The QUIET...yeah, that is a big problem for me to deal even though I KNOW that H is a quiet person by nature. That quietness took on an ominous ferocity this spring/summer though and I guess it is just hard for me to forget that.

Great to see your positives piling up on a daily basis Sage I can only see more in your future !

Hugz,
Zoo

[sage]

Yah...I'm doing quite well, actually on just letting him "be" -- much better than I used to, I think...K, I DID pull out M&V yesterday AM to remind myself all about it

**********
I know for a fact that h lied to me about something yesterday... a charge that was on his credit card. The way it came about was that he called to tell me of his super low charges for this month and he said it was A & B. This morning I went to pay the bill and saw that it was A & C. Cryptic enough for you?

There's more than one reason why he would lie about this -- some "innocent" and some not. This type of thing is EXACTLY the kind of thing that would have caused a giant issue in the past...I would have seen the bill and freaked out and pressured him about it and .... the rest is history.

What DOUBLY bugs me about this is that:

I have been writing checks for this CC for a year and EACH MONTH the charge is on it and I HAVE NOT asked/pressured/questioned/snooped. IOW...I have been doing a 180 on this for a year and he doesn't even know that.

Anyway....I'm fine right now...level headed and all...not reactive. I just find that dishonesty sucks the life and energy out of me and the m. I'm sure we could also say that snooping and mistrust and suspicion does the same thing. Right now (and for a while now), I'm controlling the part that I CAN. I wish he felt comfortable enough to control the part that he CAN. Perhaps two giant communication/honesty breakthroughs in one week is too much to hope for.

Anyway...he just called and was very loving and attentive -- said he needed to go on a date with me, etc.

I didn't bring it up. I don't plan to right now. Just trying to give him as much space and acceptance and lack of judgement as I can.

Sage

PS No, it's not porn - LOL

[lostlove]

this is probably not the case at all but I did start to wonder if perhaps h made mention of or mismention of c (or was it b?? ) to see if you would say something? as you haven't mentioned it yet and would have in the past? an extra little push?

I dunno?

is it what or where he is charging or the fact that he wasn't open about it?

I must say I am a bit confused with the crypticism.. he charged x and called it y? or charged x but decided to skip mentioning x (for whatever reason) and mentioned y (another charge) thus making you think he was intentionally leaving out mention of x?

just trying to get a clearer pic of what the issue is?

PS No, it's not porn - LOL

I don't think even you could keep quiet about porn for a whole year!

LL

[sage]

this is probably not the case at all but I did start to wonder if perhaps h made mention of or mismention of c (or was it b?? ) to see if you would say something? as you haven't mentioned it yet and would have in the past? an extra little push?

I don't know. I suppose it's possible but since he was reading me the bill from home (I was at work) it seems more like just a cover up than an attempt to get a reaction.

is it what or where he is charging or the fact that he wasn't open about it?

It could be both. It's certainly that he was dishonest.

Maybe this will help....

H says: my bill this month was really small...only 2 charges....groceries and gas.

When actually the two charges were groceries and the monthly fee for aol

SO....when I said that there were multiple reasons why he could be dishonest some innocent some not what I mean is...

does he not mention the aol because he's using it to interact with ow or someone else?

OR

does he not mention it because he's neglected to cancel the service (which we legitimately signed up for more than a year ago but only needed for a few months) and he thinks I'll be pissed off because he was supposed to cancel it and didn't thereby wasting X dollars a month.

It occurs to me that this is partly absurd...another 180 (as opposed to not asking about it) would be to ask him about it in a non-judgemental way....how would I know if he was telling the truth or not?

Guess I just don't feel prepared to be in that sitch right now.

Oddly enough...here's my cainercast for the day (tho' by a guest astrologer):

What kind of relationships do you want? This is the most frequently unasked, and therefore unanswered, question. Be specific; what communication style do you prefer? What are the values you want to engage with and learn from? And, by far the most important question, who is the inner person whose voice you suppress to make others feel comfortable? That's the person who needs to feel welcome among friends, family and lovers. That and nobody else is the person capable of contentment in your relationships.


I want fidelity. I want honesty. I want to not react in suspicion and mistrust. I'd like to be able to ask my h "hey, what's this charge for ...." and not have it be cruddy for both of us. I'd like h to be able to read me a bill and say "hey, what's this charge for...I can't believe I forgot to cancel that..."

This may sound totally bizarre to everyone but I'm doing ok with this...not saying this won't force some sort of discussion eventually but I'm just not leaping...

Sage

[lostlove]

given the fact that the old sage took the role of "mother" in the old r (just basing that on your prior statements about you feeling like you were the only adult in the old r) it may be that he forgot to cancel and therefore didn't mention it to avoid being given the "why haven't you cancelled that yet" speach (if in fact that is something the old sage would have done. is it?)

yes I know, if that IS the case then it certainly isn't fair that h isn't allowing you the opportunity to show him that you aren't that gal anymore...but in time...

so try not to look at it as h being dishonest...just try to look at it as h still trying to keep himself safe.

does he not mention the aol because he's using it to interact with ow or someone else?

I'm not even going to humor you with rationalizing this irrational statment. shame on you!

LL

[RMC]

Hi Sage,
I'm confused too. All I could get out of it was that he lied about something. I don't know what the letters stand for so I'm somewhat lost as to what might have happened.
Sometimes I wonder if its better that we don't find these things out as they only serve to cause major anxiety and mistrust. On the other had if something would really be up, I guess we need to know. Question is, what do we do with the info?? What's the best way to handle it?
You've been down this road before and have learned. Your right for thinking before you react.
Maybe there can be some logical exlanation? Why would he point it out to you if he had something to hide?
We usually ASSume the worst, and then find out it's not what we think. The way your H is treating you, it's hard to imagine he is doing anything underhanded. I know you'll figure out how to handle this. Your so good at keeping your cool! Rachael

[sage]

given the fact that the old sage took the role of "mother" in the old r (just basing that on your prior statements about you feeling like you were the only adult in the old r) it may be that he forgot to cancel and therefore didn't mention it to avoid being given the "why haven't you cancelled that yet" speach (if in fact that is something the old sage would have done. is it?)

EXACTLY This is why I'm feeling rather calm about the whole thing....

I'm the one who writes the checks for the bills. I ASSume that h looks at the charges on his cc but up until yesterday that charge was embedded in other charges.

Yesterday, by virtue of the fact that he read the charges out loud to me...he KNOWS it's there. and I know he knows it's there. He just doesn't know I know (LOL).

yes I know, if that IS the case then it certainly isn't fair that h isn't allowing you the opportunity to show him that you aren't that gal anymore...but in time...

Yup.

so try not to look at it as h being dishonest...just try to look at it as h still trying to keep himself safe.

That's exactly what I'm trying to do.

I have to admit that I'm relieved by your response...I half expected a 2x4 from folks..."what! you've got your head in the sand..." etc. I was afraid I was going to have to explain my calm exterior

does he not mention the aol because he's using it to interact with ow or someone else?

I'm not even going to humor you with rationalizing this irrational statment. shame on you!

---

I wasn't spending a lot of time going down that path, honestly...

I'm trying to give h the "space" to resolve this in his own way...whatever "this" is.

Sage

[sage]

Moving onto a new thread!

Sage's new thread

Sage