The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

I forgot whose sitch it was that I read when the LBS -- a man -- went in to confront the WAS as he was picking up his 9-year-old. He just wanted to ask why she was ruining his life.

Well, predictably, it didn't go well.

So instead of calling W to complain I called a friend in Virginia, my aunt in Canada and my sister in Minnesota. So I spent $10 on long distance to get it out of my system.

I will say I was pretty distracted last night and didn't fully enjoy the night with the girls. But there will be lots of others.

Today I took a deep breath and am banking on the fact there's no way she can win all of what she asked for. There's a long way to go.

Then I did what I've always done -- start formulating a plan. I talked to a bankruptcy attorney I know and he gave me some tips. Then I went online to see if I passed the means test for Chapter 7 and I did with flying colors.

This is a joke. It means I'm seriously screwed, but that means I'll be able to eliminate the credit card debt in bankruptcy.

He wasn't sure if I'd be able to eliminate my 401(k) loan as part of it. He was going to look into that. If I did, I'm sure I'd have to pay a penalty.

After the bankruptcy is done I can pull money out of the IRA, which will get a boost from W's retirement split, to pay off my car.

Just the credit cards would save me $220 a month in interest. Paying off the car would be another $270. Getting rid of the 401(k) loan would be $240.

I would be able not only to live but to thrive. I actually enjoyed doing this. For once I can control something. I've been bailing "us" out for years from W's overspending binges. Now I was figuring a way to bail out myself.

I did get a call today from W. D11's teacher called both of us this morning to say her grades have been slipping the past couple of weeks.

W wanted to talk about it for five minutes. I listened. Didn't add much and waited to get her off the phone. At one point it seemed as if she was fishing for me to buy D11 some gym shoes, but she didn't actually ask so I said nothing.

I actually felt no urge to jump in and talk about the D stuff. I'm not going to beg or plead. Now that it's going on, it's a very serious game and -- W has never been one to think ahead, plan or really analyze things -- she can't seriously think she's going to get all that she asked.

So today is a good day.

[ClingingToHope]

When it rains it pours. Finally got the mortgage statement from W to finish the taxes. We OWE $1,700 after getting a refund of $1,100 last year.

The stimulus plan nailed us. The withholding was changed so we received extra money over the course of the year -- but that means we owe an extra $800 now.

Plus our child care expenses were $6,200 in 2008 and this year we just have receipts for $2,200. We didn't get the ss# for any of the after school sitters and that's $3,000 we could have added -- or about $300 in credits.

Plus in 2008 I claimed $2,600 in charity. We had tons of theater stuff to claim since W spent well above her costume allowance. This year, she didn't keep track of any of it so the only deduction is $52 for United Way.

Now, I know she's going to be mad. The one thing I did to add to the woes was the running race money. I made $2,500 without taking taxes out. I'm guessing she'll be upset about that. My retort is that I gave her $640 of it -- essentially the money that would have gone to taxes went to her.

I sent her a text that there was bad news on the taxes. I'm wondering when I'll get the call.

[Gardener]

Try and focus on what you can manage, day to day stuff, don't worry yet about the future, finances, etc, as you can't predict what will happen, and suffering over this will only work against you, and I believe part of the tactic's that L's use to get what they want.

Excellent advice.
Don't borrow trouble, CTH. There's enough on the plate right now.

[ClingingToHope]

It's funny but the financial problems ahead are things I can manage -- and better yet I have control over that -- and now I'm not feeling so bad.

I spent most of yesterday formulating a plan.

Unfortunately, it involves bankruptcy, but I can't worry about that. I feel bad about it, but $15k of my problem is stuff I'm getting stuck with. When the D is done I'm on a new path and I'll just have to build from there.

This spring cold I think is turning into bronchitis, which sucks because this is my last free weekend (no kids or second job) until the second weekend of April.

I think I'll be spending tonight at least in bed.

Did get the call on taxes last night from W. She asked what happened and I said the major problem was the withholding change in the stimulus package. Even though we made $9,000 more, we paid $300 less in in taxes.

She did not get too upset.

I talked to the girls briefly. D11 left something at the apartment. I dropped it off this morning. D7 was just yacking away and wanted to put me on speaker phone. When she did, I started singing "Here Comes The Sun" so everyone could hear me. She started yelling "stop singing."

Now that I don't fear the finances, I don't fear the divorce. I'm pretty far along on the acceptance that W's heart is closed to me while she searches for her happiness.

The house, and her desperate efforts to stay in it, is going to crush her financially. I was just thinking in my head what needs to be done this year -- a brick repair needs to be redone -- $500 -- a crumbling tree needs to be cut down -- $500. The dishwasher may need to be replaced, etc.

It's going to be interesting to see how that plays out.

[mindfull]

CTH -

I can't say I haven't been guilty of this, in the not so distant past, but, you let her occupy WAY too much of your head!!!

I read back a little bit, and you were doing really good w/GAL. Now, it's mostly D's and W talk... Help yourself! Back of the W thinking!!!

HUGS

[iwantittowork]

I forgot whose sitch it was that I read when the LBS -- a man -- went in to confront the WAS as he was picking up his 9-year-old. He just wanted to ask why she was ruining his life.

Unfortunately, that would be me...

As far as the finances, you are in control of what is immediately in front of you, and you sound like your doing a good job.

I have found that you are not as in control as you think you are, even with those, so don't be surprised as things pop up, and y our stbxw does things that are completely out of the norm, and unpredictable.

Accepting that for what it is does help, and it sounds like your on top of that.

[ClingingToHope]

One quick note. W did get her yearly bonus. She told me months ago she probably wasn't getting one because of the economy. I remember it always comes with the first March paycheck -- since it's usually spent anyway.

An extra $3,600 for her. Nice. No wonder she wasn't so upset about the taxes.

[ClingingToHope]

Another quick note. I'm finally changing my direct deposit to my new bank and cutting ties with the old credit union.

This means I won't be looking at W's accounts anymore.

It's taken 10 months to convert things over -- although I did drag my feet because I truly thought all of this was temporary.

[iwantittowork]

It's taken 10 months to convert things over -- although I did drag my feet because I truly thought all of this was temporary.

That's good, so long as you are doing this for yourself, and not in anticipation or reaction to what stbxw is doing, make things now about you, and what you want, and not from a place of caring what stbxw is doing, or how she will respond or act. I think you are, just want to reinforce that.

By the way, I should have added to my comment, if you need a transcript of 'What Not To Do (TM)' from someone slightly ahead of you, just use my sitch and do the opposite..

Mostly kidding there, but finding some things to chuckle about during this time is really important as well..

[Gardener]

CTH, good attitude towards finances. One that I adopted fairly successfully a few months back and it has relieved much, though not all, of the fear (and panic).

X walking away and leaving me straddled with this house has sunk me into a depth of debt I've never experienced before. When the house sells, my half of proceeds will get me out of that. Then, like you, "I'm on a new path and I'll just have to build from there."

Endure.