My H said he was filing as soon as he left in Dec, he has filled out paperwork and brought it here for my review. He was and is serious.
Sadly...I never thought I would see the day or hold those papers in my hand, but I have already and you know what, SO WHAT, they are just papers!
It was not until I brought the changes up for the child support and having it deducted from his paycheck that it has slowed a bit. He was sure in a hurry before and I am sure its nothing more than that. I could see in his eyes the hollowness and the empty vessel behind them, I knew this time it was different and until I learned what MLC was I was spinning not understanding what in the world had just happened to my happy H on Thanksgiving and 4 days later he dropped the bomb just like that.
I see your H is doing the same thing as my H. Someone pointed out to me that it is the depression part of the MLC. The are screwed up in the head. Keep distancing yourself and remember that it is "not about you"! I think that is going to be my new mantra! lol! I can handle the distance from H toward me and I think you are there too! It is the distance that our H's are putting between them and their children that hurts so bad!
You are doing very well so just keep doing what you are doing! Be the best Mom and kind to yourself!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
The MAIN thing I have learned in all of this THUS FAR is that I was not living my life to please GOD but rather MAN ( my H ) and look where that got me!
It's a hard pill to swallow that is for sure as I feel sad for what has happened with my H but more so I cry when I apologize to my Father for looking to my H for his LOVE and approval rather than HIM.
I felt for a little while right in the beginning that it was Gods way of saying, " um excuse me, I think your forgetting about someone, you know the one who brought your husband home the 1st time...and now look at you all tunnel vision again with your H and not keeping ME (being Christ) as the center.
I know this is not true, I know our God is not a punishing God but I do know he is a jealous God with respect to having others/things as our gods and mine sadly was my H
Would you believe me if I said I had been that same boat? I served the Lord, BUT I literally worshipped the ground my husband walked on...and it was WRONG! Since the devil couldn't get to me, he attacked me THROUGH my husband and his crisis. It nearly destroyed me.
I have since learned that GOD comes FIRST, my husband comes SECOND, family comes THIRD. Without God, there is no marriage, without the marriage, there is NO family. Without family, there is NO unity. Everything is BROKEN. When you put Him first, all other things fall right into place.
Husband or NO husband; the Lord should ALWAYS come first, as you have hit the nail on the head; He is a jealous God, and He has a right to be; He is the maker and creator of ALL, that gives Him the right to be jealous. Besides, we're breaking the first commandment when we put our husbands above the Lord.
On the other hand, I have never understood why He allows families to be broken down...that is one of the things I think I will never understand...and only HE knows why, and my human mind would not comprehend it, even if He decided to explain it to me..which He explains some things, but not others.
The Bible says His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts; what I see and understand is that He is much higher than we are.....He understands all things, sees a bigger picture than we do. Yet, He will NOT tamper with free will; He will allow us to make mistakes we learn from every day of our lives; and we reap what we sow, whether good or bad, it all comes back.
Distancing is all a part of MLC; and it, apparently, is a necessary part...they are trying to figure out what they want, and in that process, move away, or distance themselves from spouse and family, regardless of where a divorce is filed or not. I AND our son experienced that same distancing; you've most likely read my story, and see where, finally, I had to let him go, he was SO angry; and I couldn't figure out what was going on. He did this for quite awhile; until the bomb I got; which was me busting him in the viewing of internet porn; then OW showed up, and it nearly did me in. The shock was nearly too much.
It was a really rough row to hoe for me. And a bitter pill to swallow at that time. If it hadn't been for the Lord, (on a night before Thanksgiving; two months after the bomb dropped I had hit rock bottom, was contemplating suicide, and almost did it), I would not be here now, nor would I have even showed up in the first place.
I had NOT found this place at that time...this came later on, as I was getting what I was going to need to do within ME.
I figured out later on, NO MAN was worth ending my life over; and I found strength that I never knew existed.
Anyway, the distancing IS part of this; they turn on their wives and families..not only distancing from those, but their OWN families; mother, father, sister, brother....everyone from their "old" life is excluded; as the distancing increases.
It seems they are trying to "break ties" with all in the beginning; very similar to a pubescent teenager that is trying to find himself.
Assuming they start their journey back, they reconnect in "reverse" order, with the spouse being last in line.
I've seen this happen. Only my husband was a little crooked in this...our son was the first; I guess, because he pursued son for a relationship, then HIS family, then his friends, then me..I definitely WAS the very last in line.
But it was a LONG time coming.
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He and the kids were inseparable before...I mean he was with them all the time and now it's like it doesn't phase him... For HIM TO BE OKAY with me moving to CA. with them and that he suggested it REALLy makes me wonder? How can HE BE OKAY with that? They are so young...
I can understand the bewilderment of the children; it seems the "rug" has been jerked out from beneath them, and though YOU are there to catch them; your husband was the one who pulled that proverbial rug.
Again, this is part of the MLC/confusion/fog they experience; and to some extent they don't know what they are doing...they are just "doing", and doing what they want to when they want to, no matter what or who it hurts.
You do realize that every time your husband looks at you, you represent "accountability" to him don't you? You and the children are serious reminders of that accountability; and he doesn't want that...it may be at the bottom of his being "ok" with you moving away. In other words, he is reminded(held accountable for) of his mistakes every time he looks at you, and you don't have to even say one word about it.
I saw that same truth in my husband's eyes, although they were empty the majority of the time, but at others when he looked at me, they were, for just a moment, filled with some of the most awful pain I could NEVER imagine experiencing; as I, too, reminded him that he was accountable for his actions toward me.
And it bothered me; and later on, thinking of that, helped me to understand why he wanted to get away from me...and he did; by not coming home when he was supposed to, staying away as long as he could before finally coming in.
Why he never left me, I really never knew..but he did say a long time later on,(when he broke Withdrawal) that he'd thought of it three different times; but the third time, he was forced to look forward to see what life would be like without me in it, and he actually didn't want that. If he had left me, I wouldn't have known until I discovered he wasn't coming back...he said he would have just walked away, never coming back...I'd have never heard from him again.
But it wasn't just that; the changes that had taken place within me WERE necessary; as they DID affect him...he came to a place where he didn't know me; had tried to make me "go back" to the old me that he knew..and I wouldn't back down.
He finally figured out that if he didn't get his act together, he was going to lose me; didn't know that wasn't exactly true; I was being so mysterious with him, that it actually threw HIM off balance, where before I had been off-balance.....and I never knew that he was actually AFRAID he'd lose me until that same talk. I would never have known by his behavior toward me; he seemed to be of opposite thinking.
So, you really never know what's going on in their minds. And God works in such mysterious ways, that while you might think you're better off moving away; He might think it's better if you stayed around; yet it's STILL your choice on what to do about that.
Hope all is well at this time, R2; I dropped by to check on you.
I've still got a long way to go to get to where I'm going.
Blessings to you this evening; may God continue to watch over you and the children.
You come across as such a sweet lady..yet, there's hard core strength in you...you and CW have alot in common there.
That same strength that neither of you can see, but yet others wish they had, and can attain; if they would but ask the Lord for it.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Yet, He will NOT tamper with free will; He will allow us to make mistakes we learn from every day of our lives; and we reap what we sow, whether good or bad, it all comes back.
Pardon my ignorance in this, but what can you ask for? I'm not certain I believe in the God you are referring to, but I do believe there is a higher spirit at work in our lives. I refer to it as "great spirit" only because that label resonates with me.
I have asked that the GS change what is in H's and OW's heart so they release each other to enable H to continue in his journey and not get stuck in Replay... Is this wrong? I'm not sure what to ask really when it comes to MLC other than allowing me the freedom from pain when thinking of H so that I can work on myself. That seems to help as well...
I have come to believe the absence of that feeling of something higher is a great factor in my losing my sense of self all those years ago.
Sorry if I've hijacked...
~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~
My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
This is a very reasonable question; one I'd asked myself in the past when I was learning about Him..and I will not say that I know everything, and I never will know that.
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Pardon my ignorance in this, but what can you ask for? I'm not certain I believe in the God you are referring to, but I do believe there is a higher spirit at work in our lives. I refer to it as "great spirit" only because that label resonates with me.
I have asked that the GS change what is in H's and OW's heart so they release each other to enable H to continue in his journey and not get stuck in Replay... Is this wrong? I'm not sure what to ask really when it comes to MLC other than allowing me the freedom from pain when thinking of H so that I can work on myself. That seems to help as well...
I don't see your question as "ignorance" only as the desire to expand your knowledge. I, too, was "ignorant" until I asked questions and began to learn things.
What you about said about asking GS(I see Him as the Lord God Almighty; actually the INDIANS referred to Him as The Great Spirit), to work within OW and your MLC'er's heart was actually on the money, and it's NOT wrong to ask that. Usually what is in the heart, the mind will follow. If it's His Will, this will be done; everything happens for a reason, and things go the way they go for a reason.
He may answer the prayer by "inserting" certain things within your MLC'er's heart, and time will do the rest of the work.
I remembered asking Him to work within my husband's heart, but it was a long time later, before I saw the results of those workings. It took faith on my part to be able to continue to pray, then let it go into His Hands; and I believed with all of my heart that His Will would be done in my life. I found out later on, when my husband was talking, that dreams were sent to him; and his heart was touched by those dreams.
The Lord uses whatever is at His disposal to make things happen in response to an earnest prayer; this I knew then, and I know this now.
Many people seem to think the Lord will change people's minds, but that would be tampering with free will that He gave all man as a gift.
Yet, regarding "heart workings" the Bible has many places where it speaks of the Lord working within people's hearts. One example: the hardening of Pharoah's heart against Moses, when he refused to release the Israelites, that was the LORD doing that to show His glory in the situation.
We can also ask Him to work within OUR hearts to help us let go, allowing Him to work within our situations, to help us along our journey, to be with us each day; and to guide us through. We can even ask Him to help us to speak, and be open to Him.
He can be a huge part of our journey, if we allow Him to be. He doesn't just sit up there and laugh at us, He is very interested in what we do and how we do it..hurts when we hurt; knows how we feel, and He takes care of us...even if things don't look right.
We can ask for anything we want to ask for, as the Bible says we have not because we ask not..but, there are some things He won't answer/give us, and in THAT case, it is for our protection, especially if we ask for something that would be harmful to us in the long run, and we don't see it. But, He sees ALL things.
He doesn't always answer the way we think He should, because HE sees a bigger picture, and knows all; we don't.
You seem to asking for the right things, and you're unselfish enough to ask these things so your husband can move on in his journey even if you're not there...and that is a true letting go.
Many things happened to me along the way that I didn't understand, but understood that HE did, and was, in time, able to let it go.
Hope this helps answer what you're asking, even if our views of God are different. Each person is on a path toward spiritual growth, and there are some interesting deviations in that path.
I've known many with "mixed" beliefs, but I have come to the understanding that I would be wrong to try and direct them another way.
God loves all people, and I've been sent to many in all walks of life; not to try and change them(that would "other control" which I don't have nor have a right to), but to love them, and help them.
Have a great weekend.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Well I had been questioning about moving the kids and I home to Ca., I had really been praying about it and I feel that I have my answer.
After my stbx in his MLC decided to yet again break promises to my D7 and S5, I have HAD IT.
AND.... I am also considering changing the custody from 50/50 that he stated he wanted to my full custody, since I have them 100% of the time and he is just some Disney Land Dad when he decides to be.
He was AWAY for the weekend and AGAIN doesnt bother to call or pick up when my D7 calls and she is crying to me saying Mommy why is Daddys friends more important to him than us now? !!!! Makes me SO ANGRY and then breaks my heart....
HE USED to LOVE HER TO PIECES and now he acts as if.... its like "oh wow, yeah I guess I missed her call..... uh yeah, I hope she is okay, tell her not to cry, tell her I love her.!!! TELL HER YOURSELF!!!!
OMG...HELLO!!! WHO ARE YOU?
Sorry for venting but I have HAD IT, Here I am TRYING to do the right thing, trying to be patient, kind, loving, compassionate, etc...but NOW your MESSING with my BABIES!!!!
You want to divorce me, Blame me, walk away from Everything, fine....but dont hurt my innocent child while your livin it up in replay! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am with you there R2!!! That hurts the most! My H didn't even ask for 50/50. I will give him the benefit of the doubt and say it is because of his work schedule but, OTOH, work schedules can be changed.
Remember, he is an alien right now!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I understand where you are coming from.....but they are into the self entitlement right now and family, especially children, are not their number one priority.
You are expecting an emotional, irrational person to step up to the plate and act like an adult. Can't happen and it won't, not for a very long time. Children/teenagers do not call home when they are away having way too much fun. Your h is a child right now and believe it or not, he's not in any emotional shape to help you because he can't help himself.
I feel for you and it breaks my heart that he's not there for his children. Unfortunately, you are going to have to be "both" parents for a while. He's got a lot of catching up to do and damage to repair, if and when he wakes up.
I'm very sorry he's acting this way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So, I had emailed him earlier about this issue and him breaking his daughters spirit etc...
He called and left a vm sobbing... claiming he is really NOT HIMSELF, cant figure out what is wrong, has been a prick to everyone lately, he apologized for being ugly with me etc, said there is no excuse, he is just a horrible Daddy and he cant bare it feels like if he stays away it would be better on the children but then doesnt feel that way, says he is so confused... and was just a stark raving MESS....
But yet last week or 2 weeks ago, he was GOOD! Happy! All was well since he left in Dec etc..? What in the world....what, is he finally understanding that leaving me and divorcing me wont make all your demons go away, their internal, hello!!!
He says while crying it makes him feel horrible for hurting me too... UGH!!! I just listened and LET HIM HURT, HE NEEDS to FEEL it....
I told Him, I pray for you, I always pray, I know there is nothing I can do for you to help you, I know you see me as your problem, but then he even claims he is struggling with staying sober.... SO ITS NOT ME that made him USE,..... he has been gone 3 months and I NEVER bother/bug/text/call/ nada!!!
I am just like WOW right now.... What in the world is happening to the loves of our lives!!!
