<<The secrecy, the abnormality, the hurt, the disappointement all too familiar to leave me unaffected.>> I understanyd and this is probably why I have stayed away from the newcomers section. I do not want to be dragged back. I prefer to move forward.
<< As a woman I long for deep meaningful convos but it has to wait. Neither of us can handle those now. But I am not giving up on those yet.>> I guess it depends on the topic of those convos. If you mean the past and his affair, then you are right. He has probably put that in a nice tidy box somewhere in the back of his mind. I am sure he would be more than happy to engage you in a nice convo about the upcoming world cup in June. He would surely find that meaningful. My point is everyone likes to talk. You just have to find the right topic. I have a hunch the past three years are not on his list of things he would like to talk about and it is still probably on your list.
<<Sometimes, I still want to escape. Especially when something triggers negative thoughts or when we talk about the past, holidays during the A or before, trips we had taken etc etc. I keep telling myself: "If I want to escape from this M, I can".>> Probably much easier said than done but you need to get out of this mode....the past and the negatives and try concentrating on the present and the positives. I have to admit however that I have absolutely no experience with what you are living. When thinking about your sitch (past and present), I sometimes wonder how you would feel right now if you did not find all those details but just knew he had an affair. I wonder if that snooping is not a good idea theory actually is a good one. Bottom line is I admire your courage dealing with ALL this. Giving your marriage and family a chance in spite of what you know (or discovered). Not many people are strong enough....and now you like others here also have to deal with family health issues. You are a strong woman Maria and one of the few on these boards who has an opp. to try to piece. I really hope all the effort will pay off for you in the future.
