Hi John, I am trying to stay positive mostly by just avoiding thinking ahead regarding my dad's health. It is just too much to handle. I am dealing with each day as it comes. My Moms' MRI showed she had suffered minor strokes and has a cyst in her head. We'll see what the doc will say...
The last couple of days, me and H spent tme together. He came home early 2 nights and then the entire day yesterday. He was helpful around the house, took over the kids and their homework, went to get grades for my S at his English school, started cleaning the barbeque, we went shopping for furniture, let me nap for 2 hours cause I had a headache etc etc
He also, hugged me unexpectently more than once, rubbed my shoulders, put his arm around my waist, joked, participated in our life as usual while making moves to US as a couple...
It's not him, its' me. 1000%. I have changed my attitude and he changes as well. Instead of just accepting, he is now starting to respond without me initiating. I watch him and he seems to be constantly questioning himself but now he is moving out if his comfort zone, VERRRRRY slowly but he does...
Yesterday I talked to his sister's H. They have separated after 20 yrs of M, 2 kids 19 and 10. His sister is in full blown MLC and an (her 2nd) A. I am like 1000% sure of that. His BIL could be posting here but he is now at a point where he realised he has lost himself and he needs to detatch. It send me off to a spin. The secrecy, the abnormality, the hurt, the disappointement all too familiar to leave me unaffected.
H asked me what we talked about right when we ended the call. I wasupset and told him in a strict voice, he needs to call his BiL if he wants to know what is going on, he got angry and reacted poorly by being sarcastic (ok then, dont tell me, I dont care if you do or if you dont) and like a child. BUT I will not be his channel of info as I used to about his sister's life and what I talk with his BiL is private.
So, I made a comment and said :if you want to know, you better start talking to your sis and your dad. This is what family is for, to support, but also to point out to us our shortcomings and mistakes. I dont appreciate your reaction and I am upset because of it in combination with all the feelings it brought back to me.
He immediately said he was sorry and came and put his arms around me while I was cooking and kissed my cheek.It felt like a small step forward. We both reacted differently.
While driving something else happend related to the kids fighting and he said to me something and I responded by...ignoring him. He said "you are being ironic/sarcastic to me (by ignoring him), all the time...".
I kept my cool and before I went to bed I asked him to clarify what he meant, that I am sarcastic all these days/weeks/months because if that is how he felt I was obviously doing something wrong, I am trying actively to be compassionate and NOT a smartass... He quickly said "No no, no way, sorry, you misunderstood me, I meant that moment"... And that was it.
Dont think things are ok. But I am leading and he is following and we feel closer to each other. And I start getting some of the things I miss so much, tenderness and caring. I think he sees my effort and that makes him want to try harder as well. As a woman I long for deep meaningful convos but it has to wait. Neither of us can handle those now. But I am not giving up on those yet.
He has given me another password for his company email (not personal but group account), his pin number for his bank card AND the card, told me I can check his laptop at any time... And I am.
He specifically asked my oppinion about a work issue (UEFA called him to work for them and he declined, what to do uf they ask again?) and I boosted his ego and used the chance to tell him how much I admire his professionalism (which is true). I sensed he felt closer to me immediately (men are so simple!!!! LOL).
Sometimes, I still want to escape. Especially when something triggers negative thoughts or when we talk about the past, holidays during the A or before, trips we had taken etc etc. I keep telling myself: "If I want to escape from this M, I can". And that usually, soothes me. K
I don't think any relationship is perfect, but the two of you are both working...finally, and that is good. Try to rely on H during everything with your family like you have and let him know how much you appreciate his help because he seems to want to be there for you. He really is trying and the more comfortable he gets the more he will do. It is slow, but going forward.
Yeah for you!
Your family will be in my prayers as you go through this process.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
<<The secrecy, the abnormality, the hurt, the disappointement all too familiar to leave me unaffected.>> I understanyd and this is probably why I have stayed away from the newcomers section. I do not want to be dragged back. I prefer to move forward.
<< As a woman I long for deep meaningful convos but it has to wait. Neither of us can handle those now. But I am not giving up on those yet.>> I guess it depends on the topic of those convos. If you mean the past and his affair, then you are right. He has probably put that in a nice tidy box somewhere in the back of his mind. I am sure he would be more than happy to engage you in a nice convo about the upcoming world cup in June. He would surely find that meaningful. My point is everyone likes to talk. You just have to find the right topic. I have a hunch the past three years are not on his list of things he would like to talk about and it is still probably on your list.
<<Sometimes, I still want to escape. Especially when something triggers negative thoughts or when we talk about the past, holidays during the A or before, trips we had taken etc etc. I keep telling myself: "If I want to escape from this M, I can".>> Probably much easier said than done but you need to get out of this mode....the past and the negatives and try concentrating on the present and the positives. I have to admit however that I have absolutely no experience with what you are living. When thinking about your sitch (past and present), I sometimes wonder how you would feel right now if you did not find all those details but just knew he had an affair. I wonder if that snooping is not a good idea theory actually is a good one. Bottom line is I admire your courage dealing with ALL this. Giving your marriage and family a chance in spite of what you know (or discovered). Not many people are strong enough....and now you like others here also have to deal with family health issues. You are a strong woman Maria and one of the few on these boards who has an opp. to try to piece. I really hope all the effort will pay off for you in the future.
I don't even know what to say! DB says you change, and then they change, and you are seeing it firsthand! He is acting so much different.... like he actually wants to be part of your life! I know it's a long road, and nothing is done yet, but I haven't been this optimistic in a long time!
Hey M, I am on Malta, I am thinking of you and your Dad, but I am soo glad that H is being a little more supportive and dare I say it.. loving ? toward you. I wasnt sure what to expect when I checked here, but I am gald that things are still slowly on an UPWARD trajectory for you and H. Hope it will be the same for your Dad, love Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hi Kalni, Thank you for your support on my thread. I have not read your whole story, but I am encouraged by where you are at now with your M. I can see that your approach to focusing on the positives and what is going well, while still remembering that you can leave this M if you need to, makes sense to me.
Kalni, it's hard to be worrying about your parents' health. And the BIL/SIL situation...what a trigger for you. hugs to you...
I've been reading some of your old posts (not all of course, but here and there in the past). What I see is that it seems like the thread of your R has never been broken, even in the early months of separation. Your H has always let you know that he still feels connected to you, and vice versa. That gives me a lot of hope for your M
I think that the physical connection that you are building is so important. We "thinky" people can get lost in words, conversations, our heads. But so much of attachment occurs on a physical level, even if affection is not our LL.
You are protecting yourself a lot in your interactions with your H. Does it feel possible to say something like "talking to BIL reminds me of all that I have been through and I'm feeling really upset right now"? That's making yourself vulnerable and creating an opening for your H to be there for you. I know you know this...
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Sometimes, I still want to escape. Especially when something triggers negative thoughts or when we talk about the past, holidays during the A or before, trips we had taken etc etc. I keep telling myself: "If I want to escape from this M, I can". And that usually, soothes me.
Is that self-soothing Kalni? Or building a self-protective wall?
Maybe you could tell yourself "that is the past, I am living in the present, and I'm creating my future".
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I am actually wondering if I had the power all along to change the reality I lived in and create my own pleasant-"virtual" reality ? Who knows. As long as I last, it lasts. When I will get tired, we'll see...
flo, I did tell him what you said. Almost your words. That is why he said he was sorry and came to me. I think.
