She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

One more quick question. Tuesday is her birthday and i don't want to come off as a jerk. Do you think it would be ok to at least send an email saying happy Birthday?

[Surviving03]

ex wife as in a wife before this wife? that is kinda funny. Um, birthday birthday...... I think you could send her an email and JUST say Happy Birthday, have a good one....nothing more. You know, kinda informal but still said. The key is to be nice, but a little distant... not pushy. Maybe since you shouldnt call the wife so much, but you still have kids and you dont want to neglect them, you should send them mail, like snail mail... then it could be directly to them with no interaction to your wife? what do you think of that?

[tbart01]

i know it's a little strange, but my wife and ex wife are now friends. we all knew each other in high school. the ex was the high school girlfriend, and the current wife was the fling on the side. Funny how things turn out isn't it?

That was what i was thinking of doing, nothing over the top just a quick happy Birthday note. I call my daughter on her cell phone all the time, so we communicate often. when my D4 is awake my D14 will let me talk to her on her cell phone. we also web cam every Sunday.

[tbart01]

Does this seem like an adequate release letter. Please all advice would be welcomed.

Obviously I’ve been doing allot of thinking and allot of individual growing. I’ve had time to reflect on me, you, us, and everything else. I never in a million years imagined that you and I would be going down this road. I truly thought that you and I were forever and could work through anything thrown our way. I still hope that with time you and I will be together again one day.

I am writing you this letter, not to try to change your mind or your feelings, but to just let you know that I understand where you’re coming from and that I get it. I know things haven’t been right for some time now. Our marriage and life hasn’t turned out the way that either of us expected it to. I know we haven’t discussed all the issues yet, but the bottom line is you’re not happy in our marriage and because of that neither am I. Neither of us wants to be in a failing marriage. I want us both to be happy whether we’re together or not.

You have given a huge wake up call and I’m thankful that you did. I’ve been doing allot of self assessing and realized there are many things I need to work on. I now know allot of things I could have done differently. I have learned so much about myself, others, and relationships in general. I have made allot of personal growth through all of this, but I know I still have a long way to go. I still need to address and get help with the trust and jealousy issues. I never wanted you to feel isolated, or smothered in any way. I’m sorry you were my crutch for so many years. However, as I said before I welcome these changes and I acknowledge these things and accept the challenge to try and fix them.

Regardless of what happens with us, I still want to make these changes for me and make these changes permanent. I will support any decision made regarding whether or not we remain together. I will not in any way regret the past 17 ½ years we had together. I will remember and cherish them for the rest of my life. I feel truly blessed to have been able to spend those years with you, and I thank you so much for the two beautiful daughters.

I want nothing but success and happiness for you now and in the future.

[robx]

it's too early in this process for any of this to sound sincere,
she expects you to pursue her and this letter is pursuing regardless if you think it's you "letting go"

- no letters, not yet.
She would just crumple up the paper and throw it out, either that or keep it and file it away and make it look like your some kind of stalker or something.

No letters!

[tbart01]

I don't have the intention of sending it now. This is what I have written and ready to go when the time is right. Is a good letter, and when is the time right?

[tbart01]

I have been doing a pretty good job with the NC. She emailed me the other day to tell me she had shipped my cell phone to me. Usually I would respond, but I didn't this time. I haven't called her, but I have called my D14 regularly instead.

This morning I woke up to a missed call from her. After breakfast I called back to see what she needed. W wanted to tell me who from my work had volunteered to help with the trailer. Some she didn't like the idea, and another she liked the idea. I mainly listened to what she had to say, and only gave her my impressions if she asked me a specific question.

I cut the conversation short and told her I had to get to work, and to hug and kiss my D4 for me. We stuill have a phone call planned for next Thursday to discuss the financial plan. I will keep it business like, and won't call or email her between now and then.

[Surviving03]

Its an ok letter... but you need to completely remove the first paragraph anything apologetic... all you want to do is point out, yes these were problems in our marriage. and dont say you will support her decision to stay or not. it is still too nice and a little too pushy

[tbart01]

I was thinking the same thing about the first paragraph. What should be worded differently that makes it ok?

[robx]

why do you have to discuss the financial plan over the phone while you're overseas serving? Why can't it wait the 4 or 5 weeks until you get back, aren't you allowed to concentrate on the task you have at hand without having to add insult to injury. It's ok, you can say it's not convenient for you, it gets your mind out of focus and you need to be focused while you're out there. I would do this, it's simple, I've been thinking about this and my head isn't in the right place to discuss financials with you while I'm serving in Afghanistan, too many things going on over here for me to give this discussion the kind of attention it needs.