Loved and Supported...

[optimist]

I think that this would really be a + for us....right now she's definitely a taboo subject. It even feels weird (least for me) when we're watching a movie or tv and someone has her first name (it's kind of an unusual first name). My hope is that this weekend was a babystep towards just feeling a lot more comfortable being straightforward with each other.

Wait until your new employee's first name is the same that OW's. I used to get goosebumps when the poor thing answered the phone.

In a more serious light: my H used to think OW was beyond limits too, but the I realized he was just scared that by mentioning her, I'd throw the A at his face. I kept mentioning her in a light, non chalant way and eventually he got more confident and opened up.

It is not talking of her, is being blamed that they fear.

You may want to try that approach...o wise one

[sage]

Rachael --

Your H seems to be the ideal post A husband!

well....that's certainly a mixed blessing, no?

Honestly? My h has been wonderful but he hasn't been the "text book" post-A "gotta do this or you're doomed to failure" guy....

IOW, the first time I read "After the Affair" I wept because I knew that many of the things in there were things that h just wouldn't do....

We've struggled mightily with my "need" for words and reassurances and his "need" to be trusted w/o them.

It's been slow and scary. It's taken some tremendous effort on both parts...particularly in the area of just "letting the other be".

It's my hope that the pace, the hard work, the learning process has made this all sustainable....

I'm a very lucky woman. I do hope that he views himself as a lucky man.

And I grateful that I've grown new ways to see and appreciate all that he does for me...that was the biggest key for me...to "hear" with different ears.

Sage

[RMC]

That is the key isn't it? We have to get to a place where we except them despite they don't so everything we think they need to be doing. Could they really do enough to make us completely trust them? I don't think so-I think we would still have to go through the process of dealing with our doubts and learn ways to deal with all those feelings that come along with them.
There are alot of things I wish my H would do. If I listed them all off to them I think he might feel like a Spepford husband-doing exactly what I tell him to do. He has post A feelings too that I probably could not even begin to understand.
All I can do is let him be him and try to open up communication as much as possible because we sorely lacked in communication skills pre-A.
It's better now, but long lived habits are hard to break, no? Rachael

[shinybear]

Aww SAge...I had goose bumps reading your update!

You two just keep hitting them out of the park!!

And how fantastic is it that he credits YOUR reaction for helping HIM to open up....can you say 180????

As for the OW topic.

Interestingly, in my sitch at first it was carte blanche...I could and did ask A LOT about her and the whole A.

Over time however, she's dropped out of the vocabulary...first nail in that coffin (this irritates me, actually) was when our C suggested that I STOP referring to OW by her first name (which happens to be one I rather like ).

So OW she became, or "her"...Just recently I we were talking emotionally and I mentioned her name...CJ FREAKED, I mean veins bulging...she was NOT to be kept alive that way!!!

I don't know...it's odd to me. It's almost like he does NOT want to be reminded of "any of that" at all.

Good? or Bad? ...Little of both, most likely...

Shiny

[sage]

Hey SB,
thanks for the kind words! h knocks my sox off!!!

As for bringing up the ow...it occurred to me reading your post to me that it's not even that I WANT to bring her up...more that I beleive that I can and not create disaster? Dunno if that makes sense...of course the add on to that is probably MY input to the disaster creation -- wavering, ASSumptions, etc.

I hope h isn't reading this thinking that ow is going to become nightly dinner conversation! she isn't.

I think that I get mired in B/W thinking that she must have been BETTER than me (in some definition) for h to choose her and her needs/wants/etc over mine...that's where I sometimes get stuck...what did she offer that I didn't?

I suppose I can think of a handful of things off the top of my head ... some probably valid, perhaps some not...I guess I think it would help me, help us if I could get some feedback (you know -- in MY language! DIRECTLY said...prefaced with "here is some feedback for you!!" ) to let me know what he's happy with, what he isn't.

I guess I've gotten this far by "listening" for h's language not mine....he seems to be speaking loud and clear, no?

Sage

[sage]

Hey all,

Just a quickie to post some positives:

1. h and I had some great phone convos yesterday. He emailed me that "something was missing" if he didn't have a chance to talk in the AM.

2. h was SO bouncy and happy and upbeat when he came home from school last night...I got to bask in his happiness and warmth and love!

3. h got me a good luck charm from a chinese restaurant on the way home...it's a horseshoe on a cord It's hanging in my car right now to remind me of his love and thoughtfulness!

I've got a C appt tonight...first one in about 6 weeks. Honest to goodness...I'm just not seeing the value in going right now...I feel like I can tackle my "stuff" with DB'ing (even considering using it to work out some issues with mom and dad) combined with just a general sense of awareness/thinking/etc. Not sure if I'm fooling myself!

Anyway...planning on going tonight...and then making an appt for after the first of the year to see how I feel then.

sage

Sage

[sage]

Oh, I forgot a major positive from yesterday...

h and I had a great conversation after he got back from school...some of his school stuff and LOTS of me talking about work. I really appreciate his willingness to listen to me about it...it's been kind of crappy of late there and his listening to my venting has been a big help.

Sage

[Phoenix_In_Bloom]

Sage,

Wonderful positives!



Hugs!

[sage]

Just a quick hit...I promised myself that I wouldn't spend my time on the boards today...may need to disconnect my laptop from the internet!

1. h got us dinner since I had a C appt
2. C appt went well...I'm trying to figure out how to deal with my current Rs with my parents. yuck.
3. lots of good conversation while watching TV/going to bed last night

Not sure if it's just my ASSumptions but I feel like h has been a bit distant (I know, I know...reading the positives doesn't leave room for that possibility! Just a "feeling"). Not sure if it's really true or why it might be...I think I'm doing a good job of not reacting, not pressuring, just giving space, actually not ASSuming the whys and wherefores...anyway...I hope that if something IS going on with him that he feels as though he can share it if he wants!

Sage

[RMC]

Hi Sage,
I'm so glad things are going well for you! You sound so positive, and I'm sure that carries over into your R with your H. You have been sprouting off so many positives lately that I find myself thinking this is one M that's going to make it!
BOY...... do I know what you mean when you think that H is distant, and all those assumptions and negative thoughts that just POP into our heads.
I feel like a barometer-my husbands moods make it go up or down. Up means high axniety time folks!(can we say codependent behavior??)
I suppose this will get better as time passes. I mean everyone has times when they are a little quiet or distant,
don't they?
What I REALLY hate is wondering if when I'm suspicious when H is acting different if it's just me ASSuming again, or if it's my gut instinct trying to tell me something. Do you ever wonder that???? Then I go to battle with myself.
That's pretty much where I stand right now even though H is being very attentive and loving. There are just things I wish he'd do that he's not. I have gotten better at communicating and not being SARCASTIC, which I've been so guilty of in the past.
We had an incident last night where I sent him an email after waiting ALL day for one from him saying "No emails today?"
He answered me back that he did not get even one from me the day before (he did, but it was in response to his pretty lame one)
Instead of arguing my case, I just said that we BOTH should make an effort to email during the day and told him I loved him. I was the first to email him this morning. I'm not tooting my horn though because after he did not answer my email for over an hour I called him to see what he was doing. He was very nice and was on his way to meet our son in law on a jobsite. WHY DO I DO THIS????? Rachael