Hi John, I am trying to stay positive mostly by just avoiding thinking ahead regarding my dad's health. It is just too much to handle. I am dealing with each day as it comes. My Moms' MRI showed she had suffered minor strokes and has a cyst in her head. We'll see what the doc will say...
The last couple of days, me and H spent tme together. He came home early 2 nights and then the entire day yesterday. He was helpful around the house, took over the kids and their homework, went to get grades for my S at his English school, started cleaning the barbeque, we went shopping for furniture, let me nap for 2 hours cause I had a headache etc etc
He also, hugged me unexpectently more than once, rubbed my shoulders, put his arm around my waist, joked, participated in our life as usual while making moves to US as a couple...
It's not him, its' me. 1000%. I have changed my attitude and he changes as well. Instead of just accepting, he is now starting to respond without me initiating. I watch him and he seems to be constantly questioning himself but now he is moving out if his comfort zone, VERRRRRY slowly but he does...
Yesterday I talked to his sister's H. They have separated after 20 yrs of M, 2 kids 19 and 10. His sister is in full blown MLC and an (her 2nd) A. I am like 1000% sure of that. His BIL could be posting here but he is now at a point where he realised he has lost himself and he needs to detatch. It send me off to a spin. The secrecy, the abnormality, the hurt, the disappointement all too familiar to leave me unaffected.
H asked me what we talked about right when we ended the call. I wasupset and told him in a strict voice, he needs to call his BiL if he wants to know what is going on, he got angry and reacted poorly by being sarcastic (ok then, dont tell me, I dont care if you do or if you dont) and like a child. BUT I will not be his channel of info as I used to about his sister's life and what I talk with his BiL is private.
So, I made a comment and said :if you want to know, you better start talking to your sis and your dad. This is what family is for, to support, but also to point out to us our shortcomings and mistakes. I dont appreciate your reaction and I am upset because of it in combination with all the feelings it brought back to me.
He immediately said he was sorry and came and put his arms around me while I was cooking and kissed my cheek.It felt like a small step forward. We both reacted differently.
While driving something else happend related to the kids fighting and he said to me something and I responded by...ignoring him. He said "you are being ironic/sarcastic to me (by ignoring him), all the time...".
I kept my cool and before I went to bed I asked him to clarify what he meant, that I am sarcastic all these days/weeks/months because if that is how he felt I was obviously doing something wrong, I am trying actively to be compassionate and NOT a smartass... He quickly said "No no, no way, sorry, you misunderstood me, I meant that moment"... And that was it.
Dont think things are ok. But I am leading and he is following and we feel closer to each other. And I start getting some of the things I miss so much, tenderness and caring. I think he sees my effort and that makes him want to try harder as well. As a woman I long for deep meaningful convos but it has to wait. Neither of us can handle those now. But I am not giving up on those yet.
He has given me another password for his company email (not personal but group account), his pin number for his bank card AND the card, told me I can check his laptop at any time... And I am.
He specifically asked my oppinion about a work issue (UEFA called him to work for them and he declined, what to do uf they ask again?) and I boosted his ego and used the chance to tell him how much I admire his professionalism (which is true). I sensed he felt closer to me immediately (men are so simple!!!! LOL).
Sometimes, I still want to escape. Especially when something triggers negative thoughts or when we talk about the past, holidays during the A or before, trips we had taken etc etc. I keep telling myself: "If I want to escape from this M, I can". And that usually, soothes me. K
