WEll you are doing the right thing. YOu are right, you cannot fix him. I totally understand the urge to get them to face their issues BECAUSE THEIR ISSUES ARE AFFECTING US. But that is where differentiation becomes so important. Yes we love them, but frankly it's affecting us and that is all we have control over - our feelings.
You cannot get him to be more forthright in therapy. To the contrary, the more you push, the less he will take initiative on his own to confront his depression. His statement "Are you going to leave me" is a perfect metaphor. He wants you to fix him.
Let him deal or not with his own issues. It's the only way he truly will change - when he comes to it himself. Meanwhile, we have to work on you not going so up and down with him.
There has to be a way for you to be in a safe nurturing mental bubble in which you can remind yourself that no matter what H is going through, you have to keep up your own strength. You have to help yourself feel better.
I totally understand this. I was not able to separate myself from my H's moods - his is anger - and it would determine my emotional state. WHat am I saying - it still happens. But no matter what they do - go, stay, feel good, feel upset - we need to keep ourselves feeling good.
It's the hardest thing in the world to do when we are moms, wives, women. We care for other people. We connect. We feel their pain. This is not a bad thing. But we have to pull back enough for the ones we love to feel their own pain so they can make the decisions to get their own lives on track.
How can you separate emotionally? How can you start to back off and let him cope with his own issues? How can you lift yourself up emotionally when he is down?
The good news is he's not blaming you and threatening S. Now you have to let him continue down that path - YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. He needs to look at what is inside him to find the answers.
And you, you must start meeting your own needs. H is not in a place right now to meet your needs, however valid they are! Yes, it sucks. Yes, it's not fair! But you must take care of you!
Thanks Flo and H4L, You are both right. That really does have to be my focus. I think since I started piecing I have found the whole area of detachment so much harder to work on. I really do have to make that my priority... to find ways to be ok no matter what H does/doesn't do etc.
My H is on AD's but over here C is a bit hit and miss so he has missed! All I could do was support his visit to the docs, didn't go with him! I did mention the other day at some point perhaps he should try to get to the bottom of what kicked this all off but he poofed it off so I left it. We can't fix but we can support them, you did right to carry on and not pander to his request not to leave him! Huge hugs as I know how hard it is x
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
RW, instead on focusing on the "argument/fight", focus on how you overcame it. That's where you can "see" the progress, patterns changing, better communication achieved. If you realise history is repeating itself, which you dont want, think of how you could change YOUR reaction next time.
It is natural to feel discouraged everytime a fight occurs during this fragile state. I get scared every time we face something similar. What I try to do is see each fight as a chance to solidify positive changes in our R. It requires a lot of strength, self soothing and for me, SELF CONTROL.
From what I have read, piecing is rarely a smooth road. [The only piecing story I have read that went/goes smoothly is of Ali. And she is one of the most compassionate persons I've known, especially towards her BF (now future H!!!)]
It is very important we dont loose our balance when our Spouses loose theirs. In PM it talks about hugging and leaning for support to one another. It says that such a way or relating (leaning to each other) comes naturally as both partners avoid to carry the weight of themselves, but it is not healthy because when one of the two hits a crisis the whole balance of the couple is in danger. When both lean on their own two feet, when one stumbles, the other one can support but most importantly doesnt fall as well, resulting to protecting the foundation of the relationship until the "weak-upset-discouraged-hurt whatever" partner finds his balanace again. You really (me too) need to avoid the domino effect at this stage (and at any stage for that matter). Differentiate as Schnarch says. xxx K
Thanks Kalni, A lot of wisdom there. I really am seeing that. I think I have to be careful not to let my thoughts/emotions go too far down the "woe is me, I've been wronged" path because then it builds to the point that things escalate out of control. I really should get the PM book you keep mentioning, it sounds like a good read!
RW, I really like Kalni's advice to not look at the fight, but HOW the fight gets dealt with as the measure of how piecing is going.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
So last night I had a girls' night... a get together with some friends to drink wine, pamper ourselves a bit etc. It was fun. But, I knew my H would be having a lot of time on his own because the kids had plans, I was out, and he had to stay in the city late for work. These were all of the previous factors that would be the times he would spend time with OW. I knew that and he knew that. This was actually the first time since piecing that we had one of these nights.
I had some anxiety about it during the day. But, I managed to work through that with breathing and self talk. I did ok. Better than I thought I would. H called me a few times to tell me where he was, what he was doing etc. That was good.
I went to my friend's house and once there, I acutally let go and had fun. I didn't think much at all about what H was doing. This surprised me! Over the past year, I would have spent that whole evening with a knot in my stomach and my mind continuously worrying about what he was doing. I was very proud of myself.
I got home before him, which previously was a trigger for me. Over the past year, if I would pull into our driveway and not see his car, I would instantly feel sick to my stomach and upset. This time, I shrugged it off.
He got home about 5 min. after me. He initiated talking about what the evening was like for him, and that he had some triggers too about the circumstances. He told me he drove to a park he had been to with OW once, but not because he wanted to relive good memories or hope to see her, but because he felt he needed to "conquer his demons" and get past this. I do believe him. He spent a long time telling me how he could never put either of us throug anything like this again and how much he thought about that last night. He was very loving and affectionate and tender.
I know what he was like when the A was going on. I have known and loved this man for over twenty years, and the whole time the A was happening, he was not himself. I ignored so many signs that something was wrong. This man is becoming the man I used to know again... slowly, the fog is lifting.
He said he really felt encouraged that last night was a step forward for us, and that we could talk about it. I think so too.
Congratulations, this is huge!~ More times like this and you'll start building up a good storehouse of better memories. THat will help the trauma to subside, I hope. The fog is lifting! Great news!
