Husband says he doesnt love me any more.

[Desperateinperth]

My husband and i havent been getting on very well for a few years. His participation in our marraige was put a side for his work and he volunteered as did i. We argued alot about it. Then he went away on a business trip for the weekend only to come back and tell me he doesn't love me any more. He has moved into the spare room and says he doesnt want to try. I have read the book and decided to do the 180. We are getting on together so much better now and we have even spent a couple of days out together, which would never of happened be fore.
What i want to know is: Is he just being nice or do i have a chance of saving my marriage?

[Cautious]

He could be just being nice at this point. Hard to know when you're just starting out. As for if you have a chance to save your marriage, I believe just as MW-D does, ABSOLUTELY! There is no reason for a marriage to end (short of the extremes such as abuse). Sounds to me like you had a workaholic husband who decided (for whatever reason this decision happened over a business trip) that you were the problem in his life.

I don't know if being AWAY from him is what you need right now, as is usually prescribed, since time apart was exactly what your issue was to begin with. However, I would suggest you find fun things you can do on your own. You can't expect him to provide all of your entertainment and happiness.

Good luck!

[Surviving03]

Hello, I feel for you and your situation, my husband told me the same thing, he has been deployed to Iraq for almost 7 months and just a month before coming home he told me that same thing. We had been arguing for a while too.

Like Cautious said, there is a chance he is being nice... but also like he said you DO have a chance at saving your marriage. The most important thing for you to remember is patience and being consistant.

Do you think you could call one of the DB coaches? I did and I think that really helped me alot, I didnt want to put up the money for it, but I am glad that I did.

When did this start for you?

[blownaway65]

D, There is always a chance to save your marriage, even if just you want it.

Can you tell us more about what's going on.

There are so many caring people here who all want the same thing, we need to know more though.

[Desperateinperth]

I live in Australia so i cant call one of the coaches. I guess we both lost site of the fact that a marriage has to be worked on. We moved to a new area about 8 years ago and not knowing anyone we joined one of the local volunteer groups. Everything was fine for the first 3 years or so. Then my husband started to put more and more of his time into the group and work and less and less time into us. I did the stupid thing of nagging and getting angry, all the usual things. It was about 6 weeks ago he came back from his trip and drop the bomb shell on me. The funny thing is that as soon as he told me i could see that all the things i had been doing to try and bring us back together again was what pushed him away. I quit the volunteer group and all the anger and resenment i just faded, i realised i wasn't angry at him but the group for taking him away. His trip was one of those team building things, a bunch of guys having fun and i think it made him realise he hadnt had for a while.
So i have stopped naggging him. I'm being nice and pleasant and as happy as i can be, but he is away again this weekend and im scared that it will just re-enforce what he has said.

[blownaway65]

Hey DIP, I'm an Aussie too, in Vic.

Just take some time out to relax and get yourself together, nothing good will come of doing anything in anger or without thinking things through.

At the moment all I can suggest is to back off. Let H have his space for now. If he's questioning the whole M thing then the worst thing you can do is keep bringing it up and wanting to talk about the R and M.

And remember, only some of this is your fault. an R takes 2 to make it work. Just the fact that you are here says that you care enough to want to make it work again.

Don't be angry at volunteering, it's a great thing that can give you both much satisfaction, but as with anything it has to be balanced.

[Surviving03]

take this advice to heart... its a summary of dont's from the books from Sandi2


I often give this list to newcomers as a guide or work plan b/c it is a summery of DB's 180's. Hope it will help.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[blownaway65]

Seriously DIP, have a real good look at Sandi's list of Do's and Dont's - and follow them, it's like the Bible here.

[Desperateinperth]

Thanks Meg and blownaway65. Have already started to use some of them and the others i am working on.
I just need to get a social life as i don't have many friends and the ones i do are my husbands friends as well. Not sure where to start but i am working on it.
Going to go and have my hair done tomorrow, might as well make the most of my husband free weekend and i will look nice when he comes home.

[Surviving03]

yeah i have that issue too with friends... i just sort of have to immerse myself with work and try to get involved in new things and new people. Its not easy...