I haven't gone to tell her that I don't find her beautiful by any plan. She brought up in her dialogue about sex her feelings of being unattractive to me.
In mine about a discovered quality, I was praising her willingness to share her desires and open up more. I called her beautiful to me. Five months ago, certain of D, she wanted to know why. I cited my lack of attraction because she refused to take care of herself (ie eat, see the doctor for recurrent ear infections, get a haircut, etc) or buy nice clothes for herself (she worries a lot about money). She's still feeding on that revalation that was somewhat obvious.
Beauty doesn't make attraction on its own for me. Attraction is chemical, the right timing, mood, etc. I've also discovered that attraction is emotional.
My letters start and end warmly, and I always include a reminder that my love has started to grow.
I'm sure her self-esteem is part of this issue. My IC said that good self-esteem stays more or less stable when life goes through regular ups and downs. Bad self-esteem moves with the ups and downs. I think she's feeling down. She mentioned that she looked in the mirror and said, "I'm 35, why do I look 45?"
So if I'm not looking to say it, how does she know? She directly asks! I can't lie, and don't try to. I do avoid some topics, but that's as far as I go...dropping a few details here and there.
It's almost 1am, I guess I should be trying to sneak into the bed she's in...
