The problem is that you are competing with a physical addiction. Ever heard of someone becoming addicted to alcohol, drugs/painkillers/ cocaine/heroine etc... and getting strung out and losing their job--life--family? Of course you have. You WAS is going through a lot of the same and has been for sometime. Doing brain scans on people that are "in love" with EA's has yielded very similar results to someone who has ingested drugs such as cocaine in that the pleasure receptors in the brain are on full alert. They NEED the "fix" the OM/OW provides. As with many drugs the tolerance also goes up and at some point--unless the "in love" has a chance to grow into a "partnership based on shared goods and bads of experiences" the OM/OW is no longer able to supply the excitement and aura of mystique that was once the powerful attraction.
Now, and unfortunately for you, your kids, and everyone else you have someone who has caused immense collateral damage to everything around them. You got caught up in the grenade blasts. The WAS no longer has the opiate they once had and that you culd not supply because you were caught up in those mundane things in life such as paying a mortgage, paying for electricty, and kids tuition. Remember, the OM/OW didn't have to supply real life stuff to your WAS--they got the easy part.
With life no longer being what the WAS spuse expected its likely they would like to make another o at the life they once had. You'll most likely have moved on by then and are fully embracing a life without your WAS. This will be toguh on you and your WAS spouse because you have been on a tour of making yourself a better person--and you will have succeeded. Your WAS probably won't be that attractive to the new you.
I think we have our own script really.
Take care
I'm not sure i want to be married to you anymore - 8-30-09 ILYBINILWY = 9-4-09 Busted her on a date 9-19-09 Separation - 9-21-09 Divorce - 10-9-09 S15 S13 S10 M - 18 Years
I def agree w/ this...I was in an EA for about a week- it was extrordinary...the day it fell apart I said "I want that w/ my W." Ironically that's when she started hers as well.
The feelings don't last- and it's obv what WAS's do - they base decisions on feelings- never a good idea.
I didn't feel like coming to work today- but I did it, b/c I'm supposed to and it serves a bigger purpose than my "feelings".
It's disgusting really to see good people revert to instant gratification and literally throw everything away for it.
Unfortunately, my W has gone for good. She will definately keep looking ahead, and I must do the same for the children and me.
I do think she is slightly unhinged, not because it is an easy excuse for her behaviour, but I have not read any posts from WAW's that have not wanted to communicate with their partners in any way.
She has completely written me out of her life. When I go to pick the children up from her parents house, I honk the car horn, the door opens as if by magic, the door closes. I drop them off, they ring the door bell, the door opens and they enter. I never see her or even an arm closing the door. It seems like she does not even want to look at me.
She said it would be better if I moved away and let her and the children live their lives. I did not gamble, cheat or drink, she dropped the bomb, but she acts like it was me who did it to her.
I just do not understand it.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I have not read any posts from WAW's that have not wanted to communicate with their partners in any way.
It isn't uncommon honestly. I have read quite a few.
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She said it would be better if I moved away and let her and the children live their lives.
They are your children just as much as hers and you have equal rights to them. Make sure you are really strong on this one.
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I just do not understand it.
I got to the point where I realised no matter how hard I tried to work it out I just wasn't going to get answers and it drove me mad thinking of it all the time. It is so hard to not think about it though I know.
I always find it interesting when a sitch is put in a different way, it was very informative. As much as I get a better understanding of my WAW, I know I face a future without her and I must make the best for my children and me.
Her life will be what it will be, though there will always be a part of her I can never let go. We have brought two children into the world, and somehow for their sakes we have to be able to communicate with each other.
I can only assume that will happen when her anger diminishes, but if and when that happens, will I be able to find some common ground with her?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
A good friend of mine tells me things regarding my W when he hears something he thinks I might be interested in.
For instance, it is my W's birthday on Friday, but he told me my W and girlfriends are going into town for a meal tonight (Wednesday). The one thing I cannot get out of my mind is this: - I know why she is going out tonight...it is because she will be spending her birthday with her new boyfriend.
My mind than wanders to what they will be doing at the weekend when I have the children. My weekend will be ruined because all I can think about is her and what she is doing.
Can somebody please give me some advice on how I can help myself in trying to remove her from my mind? Also, I think I should tell my friend to refrain from informing me of her comings and goings.
Any advice would be greatly received.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 03/17/1012:38 PM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
If you don't want to hear about her comings and goings then ask your friend to stop. It doesn't really help you any now you have established what the situation is.
In one of Michelle's books it talks about the stop sign, everytime a negative thought comes into your mind mentally hold up a big red stop sign. I found that really helped. Also distraction, enjoy your weekend with your children. Your weekend is only ruined if you let it be and you are in control of that.
Honestly start posting to some other posters on the board and you might get more help. You get what you put in and all that.
