She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

My W has worked our entire marriage. She has the financial means to take care of herself, but we have allot to get rid of before we can live separately.

I plan to see an Attorney as soon as I get home as well as counseling. I was in counseling before I came over here.

I will always make sure that I provide for my children. They are my absolute number one priority, and everything I do is for them.

[tbart01]

I don't want to take off in a rant like I've seen others do, but is it wrong to start feeling angry? I know these are her feelings and I can't do anything about it. However, I can't help but to start thinking that she's being selfish. i guess from I've read about the WAS there is some selfishness involved.

I've spent so much time feeling sad and depressed, which i still do, but now I'm starting to get pissed. The things she's said to me since she dropped the bomb is so dam hurtful and wrong. I know I haven't been perfect, but you show me a marriage that's perfect, and I'll pull a monkey out of my butt. I know I've been a good man, husband and father, but what i need to realize is this is about her not me.

My ex-wife is engaged, and she told me it took her 17 1/2 years to find someone after we divorced. she said hes the first person in 17 1/2 years that treats her as good as I did, and does the things for her I did. I guess i bring this up because I've spent all this time bashing myself, and I'm really not a bad person. I definitely have some issues to work on, but I'm a good person.

[Surviving03]

Has anybody given you Sandi2 list of don'ts?? Even if they have here it is again as a reminder, it helps to read this over and over:



1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[tbart01]

meghunny I was wanting to find out what kind of stuff they told you to put in your release letter since our stich's are somewhat alike. Unfortunately, private messaging is disabled or else i would have tried to contact you that way. If you can't or won't divulge that's completely understandable.

[Surviving03]

oh sorry... Ok so the DB coach asked me a whole slew of questions about our marriage and the problems and what sorts of things my husband has told me are problems for him, now i didnt get a whole lot of answers from my H about the problems, i heard it second hand from people that he told it to, like his mother.

So the DB coach told me that i should send him a letter of release (i hadnt wrote him anything in many days and my previous emails to him were just the begging, pleading type) so in my letter, which was only two and half paragraphs long (anything too long, they wont read it) just validating EVERYTHING that I know he does not like or is not happy about. For us that is mostly fighting, him feeling like i dont respect him, and me not trusting him.

So I started off by saying H, I am writing you this letter, not to try to change your mind or your feelings, but to just let you know that I understand where you are coming from and that I get it. We have fought entirely too much over the last 2 years. This marriage has not turned out the way that either of us expected it to. Etc... basically agreeing with everything i know he has said about why he isnt happy. I said I know that you do not want to be in a failing marriage and I do not want that either. Then i said you have given me a huge wake up call and i am glad that you did... i have been doing a ton of self assessing and there are alot of things I need to work on...briefing discusses the respect, trust issues... and i said regardless of what happens with us, i want to change these things, and many other things about myself. I ended it by saying that I would agree with you that whether we stay together or not, i will not regret the last 2 years we had together. SO, i am "releasing" him in a sense... letting him know that I understand why he feels this way, who can argue with a feeling?? Validating his feelings, not holding them against him or making him feel like yeah we had problems but they werent THAT bad... cause to him they are that bad.

SO I sent that letter, and he responded after hearing nothing from him for 3 weeks! he said it was good hearing from me, made some small talk... ended it by saying that he still thinks he made the right decision, "but we well see what happens".... so that was his first sign of softening...but not too much, and that is ok.

[Surviving03]

briefly discussing*

[Surviving03]

if you decide to do this... i would do it later, when you have had time to NOT be begging or pleading... so she can see that you actually took time to think and come to this realization. If you do it too soon, I dont think she will take it seriously. And after my H wrote me, i took a little while to respond to him, and I ONLY answered his questions that he asked me in his email... I didnt say it was good to hear from you too, or anything, just answered questions that he asked like about his mothers health, about the earthquake here in Turkey, etc... and just ended it with "talk to you later". I have learned to stop saying I love you in my emails... too much pressure on him.

[tbart01]

I have pretty much done the same thing to no response. We have talked since then obviously, but we're still where we're at. I hope things work out for you, been keeping watch on you. Unfortunately, I have 5 more long weeks to agonize over all this before I get to go home. it's been tough, and i only anticipate it getting tougher. You see my emotions are starting to change. if it wasn't for my two beautiful girls i don't know what would hold me together.

i made the mistake of sending a few emails last week that sounded a little like begging. i didn't mean to have them sound that way, but as i look back on them they sort of were. I guess that's why I'm going to NC, it will be easier for me as well. The last few times we talked i stayed business like. I haven't said or typed i love you to her in quite along time. She knows i love her still, so theres no need to tell her.

If i do write her anything, you're correct about waiting. I don't really understand or get it yet, but it is the way she feels. I can't control how she feels, so all I can do is make it easier instead of harder.

She knows

[Surviving03]

yeah, as you know, its very important to stay consistant... that is one of the hardest things to do... and im sure it will get alot more difficult for me here in a few days when he is home... but necessary.

Dont feel like you need to make it "easier" for her...dont be a doormat either... really take heed to that list of dont's... did you say you have read the books? I would really advise you to order divorce remedy... I ordered mine from this website and it got here in less than a week and I am overseas too. That would give you 5 weeks to read it and equip yourself with a game plan for when you get home.

[tbart01]

As strange as it may sound, my ex wife bought me DR and it's on the way. I know I said I'm letting her go, but I'm not giving up by any means.

Right now at this time I have to treat it like this because can't take the emotional roller coaster she's put me on.

The hardest thing to do is picking a happy medium between doormat and no doormat. At this point anything i so or do to her is the wrong thing. I'm just not good enough at this point it seems. However, I absolutely don't feel that way.