Section in the SSM that is freaking me out

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

That's the balance I'm struggling with. He's sleeping with guest room, so I've asked if I could just lay with him there for a few minutes in the morning before we get up. he says yes but doesn't seem to like it. Any hugs or other affection also feel forced on him. I'm hoping our counselor can help us identify some baby steps that over time will start to rebuild that trust. And that I have that time.

Let me share my POV as a husband who has had a wife that has made the conscious choice to be non-sexual for the past 13 years.

I might be able to give you some insight as to what you might be dealing with.

First, the really bad news. Your time (and your chance to recover or reestablish a relationship that he would be satisfied with) may have already passed.

See, from his perspective, he probably thinks you've gotten what you wanted (i.e., as little sexual intimacy as you felt you could get way with) while denying him what he wanted. You cannot go back and tell him that you really wanted more sexual intimacy than you got, because there is no evidence that is true.

Anything else you say is likely to be perceived as justification for why you should (always) get what you want while leaving him out in the cold. Now you are feeling the "cold." Whether it's payback or not, if it feels cold to you, you might be getting some inkling of what it's been like for him.

You might consider that he has just given up on you and that he is angry with you about the life wasted he has lived with you. Whether you realize it or not, the question that he is asking is "why bother?"

Trying to deny him that anger just makes it worse. And part of the "why bother" also includes anything related to being sexually intimate with you now. This is the thing that surprised me in my own case, and so I understand why he might feel that way. There is no reason why he should be sexually intimate with you.

From his POV, he already has done "everything" and anything to get you to move from the way you've been being, all to no avail.

Although you provide little detail, reading between the lines, he is the HD spouse, and you are the LD spouse and you recognize you've turned him away. In the past (and it is your past that he will have trouble getting around), nothing he has done has made "any difference." So why would this be any different?

Again, why bother?

If you have ever made it appear (to him) or if you've ever said this to him: "that it was only about the sex," you've got a problem. Anything you do in the near term makes it look like that (for you) its only about the sex and you are using sex as a way to keep a husband that you otherwise don't care about.

You may feel that you do care about him. But that is not his reality.

From his POV, it has taken his declaration of independence that finally "woke you up." You want to know what is really painful about that (for him)?

It should not have taken that to get your attention.

I know that this might not be what you want to read. But he might not be able or ready to tell you this for himself.

The Captain