Husband left me 3 months pregnant...

[Piano]

babydoll - I'm wondering (and this is where I need the pros) if you're still able to BUY TIME somehow, even after being served divorce papers.

Why don't you start a new thread ("Just Served - What do I do? Pleas help pros") in Newcomers, link to this original thread and WAIT FOR ADVICE.

This MAY NOT BE THE END.

[Cautious]

Pretty sure he's just showing that your detatchment is getting under his skin. He has to speak in complete negatives to cover his hurt. I'll read over the rest of your story to try to get a better feel, but that's my gut instinct.

[Piano]

Yes, I agree with Cautious. It's like a whammy of a tantrum.

[Cautious]

Okay, after reading over your sitch, I stick by my earlier theory. This is a man who is confused. My theory about why he left? You were trying to get pregnant, he suddenly thought about what that would mean for the rest of his life - giving up hanging with the guys for diaper duty and trading in the hot rod for a stroller. Someone (likely at school) was influencing him in the life of "fun and party". That's the direction he's considering. Just a theory though, only he can tell you for sure and it's going to be a while.

Is he keeping on top of punctuality to doctor's appointments for baby or do you have to pursue him? If it's the latter, it's probably not worth it. Most men don't feel like a father until you've given birth. They don't feel the same changes you feel, much less the movements. I would make him work to be involved.

As for the papers... eh, a divorce typically takes a year to come to a hearing. I mean, it could be sooner and if he has a lawyer, by all means get one. But there's still the chance that he could drop it. Or you could always get remarried. Maybe not the ideal, but it's always an option.

[Piano]

Babydoll, I know you must be getting pressure from all sides now to just drop him. I mean, his actions ARE really appalling. But you were in the process of stepping back (with a lot of ups and a few more downs lately). I really feel you need to keep on this track.
If you still WANT to save the marriage & give it every last chance, then you need to step right back, not respond to your H for the minute until you come up with a PLAN.
I'm sure others on this site, can help you work through that.
I read this article from the NY Times posted in another thread today. What do you reckon about the wife who took the stance "Nah, i don't buy it". I know your sitch is not the same...but you might find parallels.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?_r=1

[gatsby11]

Hello Piano, Babydoll, and others,

I am so glad to have found a group who is going through a very similar situation to me. I have searched online for a long time and finally I found a group of long relationships, pregnancy, upper 20s-early 30s, and abandonment. It was comforting to read your stories, your feelings, and see your growth.

Babydoll, papers were served last night. I would be devastated, because his feelings were put into action. But I would console myself with the truth that his feelings didn't actually change before being served and after. It's also my belief that his feelings won't change based on what you do in response. You can delay (there's no reason not to), but the time might come when you need to go through with it. His chances of getting back with you, I feel, are the same whether there is legal documentation or not. The truth is, he could still "come back" in a year or so, once he adjusts to the fact that he is a father and/or sees that the other side is not better. It would be equally monumental, whether you get remarried or whether you renew the vows that are already in place but are "dead" in practice. (For his side, that is.) All this to say, even though the papers have changed the situation, perhaps what is most important didn't actually change at all.

I'd like to share with you guys that my husband (I realized he wanted to end our relationship 1/14/10, the day before my sonogram) went to individual therapy to work though his feelings. And while he was there he was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder. I don't see why your husbands may not be going through the same thing-- an excessive reaction to the news of the pregnancy. To me, it does not make sense that my husband was happy with me for 8 years and then suddenly decided that not only did he not want to be with me anymore, he hadn't wanted to for a while. (One difference between your husbands and mine is that mine still has not accepted the child yet-- he is not sure he wants to be in her life except financially.)

I'm at the place now where I am focusing on myself. I'm starting two new hobbies, traveling, hanging out with as many friends as possible, and decorating my new apartment. I'm also focusing on the baby by having short "conversations" with her every morning and every night. I like the journal ideas. I know that it's important that I stop thinking about him, and most days I am successful. But some days I feel the pull to understand what he is doing and try to figure out a way to make him change. But I know that it fully lies within him.

Last thing-- I am exploring divorce and will probably pursue it. I think it's important to get child support in order by the time she arrives. I still firmly believe that we could overcome a divorce through therapy and get remarried in the future if that's what we both want. I might pursue co-parenting therapy at the same time. (I think I read about that on this thread!) Of course, he'd have to agree to go!

I'll continue to read your stories, and I hope we can encourage each other through our births and after.

[gatsby11]

(I suppose that I should add that I am planning for an uncontested divorce. I don't think that a drawn out battle over things has to happen for us.)

[Piano]

I am so glad to have found a group who is going through a very similar situation to me. I have searched online for a long time and finally I found a group of long relationships, pregnancy, upper 20s-early 30s, and abandonment.

I'm sorry you are here Gatsby...your story is heartbreakingly familiar... I too hope we can offer each other support and help. Have you started an individual thread in Newcommers? It would be good to read the details of how you got here, how we can help... When is your baby due?

But I would console myself with the truth that his feelings didn't actually change before being served and after. It's also my belief that his feelings won't change based on what you do in response

You said it, Gatsby. It's just a question of whether Babydoll, you can wait this out? I'm still convinced there is an OW. It's a bit bizarre, because he's living with his parents...not the best place to conduct an A from.

Given this is all so sudden and 'overnight' (from the bomb to being served) you still need time to heal and grieve until you are strong enough and confident enough about a life with or without him to make your decision.

He was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder. I don't see why your husbands may not be going through the same thing-- an excessive reaction to the news of the pregnancy.

Never heard of that disorder, but will look it up, and it immidiately smacks of what we're going through... You know, it's so sad.. so many IC just seem to validate the WS's fantasies .... So, how did your H react to this diagnosis???

(One difference between your husbands and mine is that mine still has not accepted the child yet-- he is not sure he wants to be in her life except financially.)

I guess it's how you define acceptance.

(I'm at the place now where I am focusing on myself.

Yes, I am there too. It's a slow process, isn't it?

Last thing-- I am exploring divorce and will probably pursue it. I think it's important to get child support in order by the time she arrives.

Why so fast? I am not in the USA, but I've heard about 'legal separation' on these boards. Would that give you the support you need?

Again, start your own thread so we don't hijack Babydoll's space It would be great to know more about your situation, and there are good people on here who can offer you advice.

[Babydoll]

I havent even been able to cry. I'm so stunned by his actions, that I can't even wish him back anymore. He is a different person to me now. Is that normal? Will i break down eventually or it this was realization feels like. Dont get me wrong, I never felt so alone and empty and hurt. Maybe the sadness is just too deep. Maybe the hurt has taken over the tears and sadness. Here i was keeping my distance hoping he would miss me and instead he files... by all means, dont give up on your own lives... i wish I read DB and DR the first week it happened... i never know what couldve been different. im not sure anything at this point can change. He left 10 weeks ago and never once had any doubt nor did he ever want to come back. We did speak the night i recieved the papers, he acted as if we were talking about the weather... his first words... "what did you expect me to do". To top it off he typed a long letter in the certified mail packet he sent to my house... his actions are to intentionally hurt me.

i am convinced now more than ever that OW is involved and i truly believe she is pushing him to move quickly with the divorce etc., especially before the baby arrives. although I do think he has completely moved on, and she is not forcing him to do something he doesnt want. i also think now maybe he was cheating on me all along... maybe she is threatening him to tell me everything so he rushed to file, even when weeks ago we signed our medical insurance renewal etc. and now i have to go on my own.

Why the rush? I even asked are you marrying her? Why does he continue to deny someone is in his life anymore... at this point does it matter? I will eventually sign the papers, waiting to go over everything with my attorney, especially with a baby on the way. I am not talking to him, nor calling or texting, etc. i cant stand to think of him let alone see him or deal with him.

i understand that he could feel like he doesnt love me or thinks he wants to move on... DR helped me understand that his feelings are in fact true... but filing for a divorce in a serious action to take. especially when you file 4 days after we went together to the baby's sonogram and found out it was a boy.

Piano, once I figure it out, i will start a new thread and see what the pros have to say. Gatsby, hand in there...

As for the papers, i sent him an email the following day and said I will sign the papers when I am ready. he didnt reply to the email. But for the following 3 hours, he sent me 3 stupid text messages commenting on small things, but did not address any big issues. I did not reply to any of them... Maybe he doesnt realize that i do not even want him in my life as his enemy. As for right now, i am 100% dedicated to the health and happiness of my baby and my pregnancy. i have a few months left to enjoy this lil guy inside of me moving all around... he stripped me of my happiness with my pregnancy... i am going to fight to get that back. I have finally gotten to the point where I am putting myself first. I let my sisters know they can throw me a baby shower with my family and close friends and will start living lfe for myself...

after all I have no choice.... he left me with the life we built together... and all I can do is watch him walk away.

[Piano]

Sweets, my heart goes out to you. You have been incredibly strong, and being served divorce papers was a serious and cruel blow.

If your H was that unhappy in the relationship, why didn't he friggin sit you down and talk about the issues with you, or ask for a separation?! I will understand why our H's have done this - it's appalling. It takes two to make a marriage less than perfect, but each partner owes it to the other to speak up when there is something seriously amiss for them.

What did he say when you talked about the OW? Silence? Did he deny it?

Apart from looking through bills and phone records, did you ever do any other snooping to find out about the existence of another W?

Also, what are his parents saying to you? Are you in contact?

Good you didn't reply to his texts. You are right to focus on you 100% & good on you for having the baby shower. Go girl! I sensed you were a brave and strong- minded one from the beginning.

But still, to help you heal, maybe you should think of having an intermediary deal with any correspondence to do with the baby or finances? One of your sisters? A friend? Just so you can protect yourself properly and enjoy this pregancy, as you say.

<<<<<Hugs>>>>> from me.