The MAIN thing I have learned in all of this THUS FAR is that I was not living my life to please GOD but rather MAN ( my H ) and look where that got me!
It's a hard pill to swallow that is for sure as I feel sad for what has happened with my H but more so I cry when I apologize to my Father for looking to my H for his LOVE and approval rather than HIM.
I felt for a little while right in the beginning that it was Gods way of saying, " um excuse me, I think your forgetting about someone, you know the one who brought your husband home the 1st time...and now look at you all tunnel vision again with your H and not keeping ME (being Christ) as the center.
I know this is not true, I know our God is not a punishing God but I do know he is a jealous God with respect to having others/things as our gods and mine sadly was my H
Ugh, it just makes me sick to even admit that outloud as I am so ashamed of it. I know I am forgiven and there is no condemnation but it's still hard when I think about how things could have been had I NOT handled it that way toward the end...I think I was beginning to FEEL something was different with my H and I went into desperation mode maybe, who knows?
Wouldnt have mattered anyways. He would still be where he is now with or without me doing what I was doing, thats on me and this is on Him.
I was reading your post to CW and related to the feeling like the distancing was only toward me but I have realized that as time goes on my H is drawing further and further away from our children D7 and S5. He spends less and less time with them. He is what they call the Disneyland Dad and it makes me so angry....Daddy brings a new movie, their favorite food and stays only 2 hours and thats HIS QUALITY time. ARGH!!
He has stopped taking them to his apartment all together? Have no idea why? I don't bother asking.
They were going there for the first two months, my daughter has never stayed the night (she refuses and told him, "it's not normal Daddy") and my S5 stayed there only twice and then never wanted to again and now they just never go there at all... He ALWAYS wants to come here and bring the food or whatever, if he comes.!!!
He and the kids were inseparable before...I mean he was with them all the time and now it's like it doesn't phase him... For HIM TO BE OKAY with me moving to CA. with them and that he suggested it REALLy makes me wonder? How can HE BE OKAY with that? They are so young...
I know I am rambling but just feeling a bit sad again tonight as he was here again to see them, same scenario as always except tonight was only 1.5 hours...
My poor kids, they just don't understand? Still praying for my H as always and will continue to do so..
I hope you had a good day today HB. Thank you as always for taking the time to read what I am feeling. I feel very blessed to have you virtually in my life!
