WAW Using God II

[pigskin]

Pigskin...first, OUCH for you...this sucks.

second, do what robx said (although I don't know how that applies to the baptism thing, and that's a tough call b/c of the kids.) **Robx-write this date down--b/c I just told someone to do what you said to do...

Third, Do the forgiveness work FOR YOU, not her. She doesn't have to know about it. It's so you are free from the anger that will consume your life otherwise.

We all know, we have all been there; a place where our pain is so great that it impacts all aspects of our life and interferes with our parenting so that we aren't fully present for our children, and our finances fall thru the cracks and we gain or lose weight in an unhealthy way and yada yada yada....forgiving is a gift for you and I never understood that really, until this whole DB thing came up.

I recall thinking my h didn't "deserve" forgiveness, so why do it? But that's b/c I didn't get it. NOW I GET IT and it has very little to do with THEM...it's about US and living our lives with the freedom from their actions hurting us or their crazy choices ruining OUR lives...make sense?
I found praying for God to take the pain and anger from me, a helpful prayer I said 100 times a day, literally. Usually in the shower out loud. Or right before h would call home...to calm me down and not wail on him verbally.
So sorry you are here. And down the road we'll probably pity your wife when she wakes up from the fog and sees what my h finally saw, except for him it was not completely too late. At one point he said he felt "like a well dressed man standing next to a wrecked car, and all the passengers inside the car were hurt and on life support and he wasn't sure they'd make it" (meaning the R's he had with me and the kids) and he was crying when he said this. He "got it"...and I felt for him. If I had caused that kind of pain to him or our children, it'd be hard to live with myself. It's his cross to bear and I do my best to remind him of how lucky we ALL are..but he still has repair work with our d20 to do. Not my responsibility.

IF your w ever wakes up to the same type of thing, God help her. RE: the baptism...she's an amazing rationalizer. I would urge you to stop making her defend her choices b/c she can and will and instead, you should let that other voice in her (God's??) talk to her. You do make her choose too much when she's SO Not ready and you do pursue when you need to SO back off

As for dating OW, at least fake it!! (NO involving the kids of course) but why not be a little mysterious? I do NOT think you'd be letting her off the hook with the poss exception of a temporary thing. B/C the long run, any woman who's h is dating OW, will think about what SHE is missing. It's human nature. She will wonder how the OW can find you so attractive when she doesn't, AND she'll start to notice the flaws in OM - which MUST be fairly apparent given that he's so wacky at work. Plus, you NOT dating OW or anyone does NOT make you more attractive to her. It just doesn't. So no matter how you think she'll look at you dating OW and how you fear she'll use it as an excuse to do more with OM, the "staying loyal" to her has NOT worked. Since you won't be damaging your kids thru exposing them to OW any time soon, what's the harm as long as you are honest? Plan B is to fake dating OW...why not? Nothing else has worked these days. She IS one confused puppy and the religion thing is making me screw my head in the ceiling...

j-

Thanks for the comments 25. I decided to forgive her a couple of days ago after seeing the "Remember to Forgive" note the day after praying for resentment and bitterness to be taken from me.

She is messed up. When/If she does come to her senses, it will be a nightmare for her.

I worry about her depression since I've asked her if she ever considered hurting herself. She admitted she had, but "I would never do that because it is stupid and would cause 1000 times the amount of pain I am suffering now to the people I left behind."

I feel 100% better than a couple of days ago. I am back on the detachment horse and am going to stay there. What set me back was the agreement for us to have a date and that was suggested by me. When she scuttled that by reconfirming she had no intention of coming back it was a blow. There will be no more of that for me. Any future reconciliation attempt will have to be initiated by her, and when/if that day comes, I will make her work for it, as I'm not falling for BS again.

I think God has given me the message to stay out of His business since I am screwing it up.

I would love to date. I could have ample opportunities. I've never slacked on working out and am very athletic looking. My issue is how that is viewed by God. I would never sleep with anyone while still married, but I'm not sure if even going out with other women is acceptable. Perhaps that is a question for my pastor. I could see myself being vulnerable to becoming attached to someone, and I don't know if I want to pop the top on that worm can.