WAW in PA-I Moved Out in Error & D has been Filed

[Quart9]

I have closed the first thread about my sitch (in an attempt to self moderate) and opened a new one. Here is the link to the old thread for ref: I think I'd rather be dead than this - WAW

A recap for those of you just tuning in:

W and I were M for 4 yrs and together for a total of 9. We moved to CA right after we got married so that I could go to design school. W was the bread winner while I'm in school. Over the past couple of years W (I have now learned) began to detach because she resented: that she was the only one working/I did not have job, that I had to focus so much on school, that we did not already having a family started, and/or that I did not having the time because of school to socialize and travel.

W went on cruise in Nov '09 with her girlfriends and about a week after she got back I got, "ILYBNILWY, I need to figure out if I can still be married to you, I want a temp S, I don't want to go to MC, etc."

W paid the bills and she wanted me to move out while she figured out what she wanted and in an naïve effort to save the M I did. A couple of days after I moved out I found out she cheated on me on the cruise with OM and then after the cruise she came back began EA/PA with same OM. OM is married and in process of S or D with his W (OM may also have a kid?).

Since I have moved out W has done her best to completely detach from me and she has made it clear that she wants a D and never wants to reconcile w/ me.

[robx]

Great move back in, tell her to sell the home or buy you out, one of the two. No worries.

The problem you have is this, you don't have the guts to do it but what are you going to lose? Seriously?!

Has she filed for divorce?
How long does that take?
Is the home both of yours? I'm assuming it is, you guys are married LOL!

What's holding you back?

[robx]

Was school really so all encompassing that you couldn't socialize or travel or are you just using that as an excuse, again, be honest. You can be honest on this forum because we don't know you and we can't really judge you.

[Quart9]

Robx thank you for stopping by my new thread. Your getting way ahead of me though.

The apt was/is in both of our names.

I was advised in my earlier thread by Puppy Dog, Mr Bond, and maybe even you to move back. Do what works and what is unconventional right? Unfortunately I did not take the advice. By the time I had received that advice from you guys I had already been out for a month. I went back and forth on if I was going to move back. Ultimately, I was advised by my L not to do so.

And yes the school I go to is that demanding. Last term I put in 80-140 hours per week. There were times when I stayed up for 2, 3, and 4 days in a row working on homework and going to class. During finals week I almost stayed awake for 5 days in a row. Almost.

I am taking a lite term this term and even with the reduced schedule I am having a hard time focusing on getting my school work done because of this sitch.

I chose to follow Gnosis's rules of thumb:

1) Protect yourself and your future first
2) Then expose to break the affair
3) Then fight for your marriage if you are still so inclined.

School and a career is my future - not a lying, betraying, cheating, immature, woman that doesn't give a damn about anything but her new found selfish desires (nahhh- I'm not bitter).

I filed for the divorce two days ago.

[Quart9]

And BTW- by moving back in I could jeopardize receiving spousal support. I've got about 2 years of school left.

[Quart9]

After finding this board and reading the DR I have learned that I really need to improve me.

These are some things that I have been doing to make myself better:
-I've been going to an IC to work through my issues and my feelings about the end of our marriage
-I've been creating a better relationship with God. I've gone back to church, I've been reading the Bible, and started praying regularly
-I've done my best to GAL when I have time. I've reunited with some of my old friends and made several new friends
-I've become more active at school by talking and interacting more with people there and seeking out help from upperclassmen
-I've started a self help program on toolstolife.com and I'm learning and doing exercises from there to boost my confidence and morale
-I've been lifting weights and eating healthier
-I've been talking with my family more (I have kinda neglected for the past few years)

[Gnosis]

OK Q9, you've protected your interests and made your decision to D.

Now you need to concentrate on yourself. You're going to need to work to get rid of all that anger and resentment. It's not going to be easy but it's going to be for your own good. As stupid as this is going to sound you're going to have to forgive her or else you're going to wind up a bitter, resentful, distrusting SOB who is going to destroy any future relationship.

You're going to have to fix yourself up. I'm sure there were quite a few things that you screwed up on and your WAW has grievances about. Work on those things. Figure out where you went wrong, what you did wrong. Everyone makes mistakes. It's when we learn from them that we become better people.

EDIT: Just saw your posting above while I was posting this.

[robx]

After finding this board and reading the DR I have learned that I really need to improve me.

These are some things that I have been doing to make myself better:
-I've been going to an IC to work through my issues and my feelings about the end of our marriage
-I've been creating a better relationship with God. I've gone back to church, I've been reading the Bible, and started praying regularly
-I've done my best to GAL when I have time. I've reunited with some of my old friends and made several new friends
-I've become more active at school by talking and interacting more with people there and seeking out help from upperclassmen
-I've started a self help program on toolstolife.com and I'm learning and doing exercises from there to boost my confidence and morale
-I've been lifting weights and eating healthier
-I've been talking with my family more (I have kinda neglected for the past few years)

I'm going to make this observation, it's quite possible your wife knew you were making excuses as to why you couldn't do more with her, spend more time with her, socialize, travel, etc.

You're still going to school yet look at all the new things you've finally made time for on top of your school work: going to counselling, going to church, reading the bible, GAL, hanging out with old friends, making new friends, more active at school, starting a self help program, lifting weights, talking with your family more, etc.

Remember you previously didn't have time for your wife and school, now you have time for school and a list of other things. School may have been important but it shouldn't have been more important than your wife was, she felt neglected and after putting up with this for so long, she decided this wasn't for her, she was young enough to start over and meet someone else. I'm not attacking you but I am trying to open up your eyes a little to the situation you're in.

[Quart9]

I'm actually only taking three classes this term (as opposed to 7 last term) and next term I will resume with 6-7 classes and my free time for the extra stuff I am doing now will be gone. I initially took the lite term in hopes of having more time to work on our marriage and find a part-time job.

I appreciate your encouraging me to look at the other side of the coin Rob. This is something I have tried to do - look at it from her point of view. I don't blame her for not being happy with the scenerio as it left us with very little time together, but she did say "I do" and all that other crap about for better or for worse - you know what I mean?

Last term was my first term and for the 3 years that we lived here prior to me startng this school we spent a lot of time and $$ traveling all over CA, NV, AZ, FL, and TN. And I'm sure she felt neglected after I started school and I should have put her first, but she spent a lot of her free time out with her friends partying, shopping, and who knows what else.

And ya know, there was about 3 years when we were dating where she was going to school and I supported her. She was living at her Mom's house but "staying" at my apt. I fed her, gave her money for gas, books, tuition, insurance, misc, and sometimes money to give to her Mom for rent - I m not sure she remembers that though. I was unhappy with that scenerio but I stuck with it because I loved her. I was in my early to mid 20's then and there was a lot "fun" I passed up on to help and be with her.

It sounds like I'm making excuses and I want her to be happy but her approach to achieving that happiness - come on?! If she was so unhappy why not divorce me and then "go job hunting." I think she intended to look for a better "job" when she went on that cruise. Lucky for her there was someone on there hiring, so she came home and took a leave of absence from me to make sure that other job was gonna pan out.

I would rather her go on and be happy than stay with me and be unhappy, but my going to this school is not permanent. One of the major reasons I was going to this school was to get out, have a good career, and help make a better life for US.

[Quart9]

Gnosis - your right I do need to forgive her and I'm trying too. I'm also gonna do my best to try and forget her. I know it will be impossible but I look at it like the woman I married no longer exists.

I want this experience to teach me how to have a better future marriage/relationship. I am trying to learn from it.

Yes there were many things I messed up on and this situation has shown me the error of my ways. I don't ever want to repeat these mistakes in another marriage or subject my next wife to them. I am doing my best to evolve.