My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

that's very insightful, gardener. worth some pondering--was I angry/resentful of him or of myself for letting myself become invisible and unimportant?! I think I consciously tried not to have many legitimate needs so I'd be low-maintenance and not "bothersome." family of origin crap, there. but you can't deny your needs--for sleep, for intimacy, for trust, for love, for feeling valued. it blows up in your face if you do that.

and it's been an interesting study--he chose someone with a very dominant personality, intent on getting her needs met no matter what, requiring a lot of sacrifice (this time around and 25+ years ago). And he's doing all those things for her he refused to do for me--footrubs after a long day at work, fixing things on the farm, mucking out horse stalls. for me/our family the man wouldn't change lightbulbs. and it made me nuts at first--if he'd only been open to doing those things, I wouldn't have been so resentful, I would have felt more loved and protected. well, duh! I didn't require anything! and because he's profoundly selfish and quite immature, that was license not to go outside his comfort zone. he did and got pretty much all he wanted, and I asked for nothing--and I got nothing. And kinda the same with my first marriage, only that one became abusive pretty quickly and I was the one who left.

I'm getting insight into that whole concept of Why Men Love Bitches. I think I was the female equivalent of the Nice Guy, and it was boring and I was angry and resentful--and you're right, probably more at myself than at him. He was who he was, after all, and I knew it when I married him. I just kept expecting the man who courted me to reappear, but that was a very temporary character.

lots of lightbulbs going off today! now I need to learn how to integrate this understanding into a behavior change. if you've spent your whole life trying not to be a bother, how do you switch into a more "I'm worth it and I expect to be treated with love, respect, kindness, protection, and leadership?" attitude?