Loved and Supported...

[sage]

Hi all,

I'm so frustrated at not having time to catch up with everyone today! I've been trying to post all day but darned work keeps getting in the way!

Thanks, all, for your support and advice this weekend...I have to say that not only was the crisis AVERTED but a BREAKTHROUGH was achieved...!!!

A little while after I posted my "high anxiety" post, h asked me if I could print a document for him (we have two computers networked together but only one is connected to the printer, etc). I said "sure, which one?" -- he pointed at one entitled "I love you so much I can't stand it".

Note to self: h really kicks butt in the ending of tension department.

We hugged, etc, and he told me that he needed to tell me something. He said that when he got to the study session that FF#1 told him that FF#2 wasn't coming. He said he internally freaked out, started feeling really sick to his stomach at the thought of our exchange this AM and knowing that he was now alone with FF#1 and would need to tell me that.

I was SO TOTALLY fine with it. Not an anxious bone in my body. I keep trying to tell him that it's not so much this FF or this friendship or their alone time as it is the stuff that it stirs up in me about ow, and fears and the past and the future...etc.

Anyway...without even acting "as if" I said something like "Oh, honey, I'm sorry that you felt so sick about it. I'm totally fine with your study time with FF. I am SO glad that you told me. I know that you didn't have to. It means so much to me."

He was visibly relieved. Gave me a huge hug and said "Your reaction makes it so much easier for me to tell you hard things"

I said "In the spirit of full disclosure, I need to explain my reaction to you when I came home..." -- I told him about seeing the open hotmail window, and my BAD reactions, etc.

He was totally cool -- said that it hadn't even occurred to him to say he was sending email because it WAS about the homework (Shiny -- you were right!) and that he was totally sorry that I had felt unsure or badly. I told him that I was totally responsible for my reaction, etc, etc.

He then said "I love it when we have breakthroughs like this". yesyesyesyesyes!!!

The rest of the weekend was lovely. We went to the movies ("The Station Agent") and dinner Sat. night. Sunday h was studying productively while I spent HOURS having fun on the internet looking for a hotel for our NYC trip after xmas. Found a GREAT one! Then last night we had a casual dinner, watched the Pats! I went to bed early.

Oh, forgot to mention that h gave me a massage last night. VERY relaxing, VERY .

I think this was a very good step forward to us. I so want h to see the positive changes that I'm trying to make in my thought processes...obviously NOT perfectly! But it totally helps me so much that he's committed to making changes, too.

Mondays are still tough for me. I have a TON of meetings at work...I go thru h-withdrawal -- and then I don't get to see him until late at night...during the A, Mondays were horrendous for me...I guess it's residue from that. BUT, h and I have talked a couple of times today...he's been totally lovely! Good stuff all around.

Oh, BTW...thanks to all of you who mentioned being private about your computer stuff, too! (KK, Zoo, Bill, etc). Funny thing??? Sunday I went to post an update for you guys and h came in unexpectedly and I closed the window! Guess I'm not immune either...gotta remember that next time!

Sage