Good morning CW, Hitting the road this morning, but wanted to check on you.
Yup, you are right; gotta get your head out of his world, and keep it in yours; work on yourself, walk your journey, let him go; you cannot help him.
Don't believe him saying you hurried him up, and all that..that's justification loud and clear on his end.
HE'S IN THE WRONG, not you.
I'm with you, CW. Not much you can do right now, except the above mentioned; detach, distance, work on yourself; pray for wisdom and guidance, keep posting.
Keep your PMA up..it is most important; as when papers are gotten, it can suck you back to the beginning....DON'T let it.
It is ONLY a piece of paper, after all.
Take care..catch you later.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
ATM you and the kids are most important hun! What H does is irrelevant and you can't change things there but you can for you so keep your mind focussed on that.
He has done you one favour you have now got friends in places you never dreamed off and I would take a bet that it's more than he has ATM Chin up mate were all with you where ever we are (())
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
CW, try to establish some routines around spending time with your children. Sometimes it helps me to set a timer and focus 100% on them for a set amount of time. There are also the multitasking times when I am partially available due to cooking, etc. but it helps me to make sure that they are getting my full attention when my mind is all over the place. Outings are good for that too.
Last edited by flowmom; 03/11/1004:13 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Hey - I'm jumping into your thread - not much going on in mine at the moment. I see a lot of good advice here from a lot of folks. In my sitch, I am out of the house - adjusting to apartment life away from my W and daughters. Weekdays are ok - its busy with work so not spending too much time in aptment alone (I am living with my 23 yr old son). Weekends are the killer - too much time alone to get me depressed. This will be a busy weekend with my D11 volleyball games (2) and an open house back at the house by the realtor. Took a step back in my 180 last Sat - just so happened my W and I were at the house, all three kids were involved elsewhere, and my W decided to take a walk - something we both do when the weather is good. I asked her if she wanted company on her walk, and she suddenly looked sullen and said "I am trying to put distance between you and me - I thought you were doing better with this LS - forget about me - etc." I guess it wasn't completely unexpected - just thought I'd see if she wanted to walk together since we had been getting along really well all that day. I din't fret or comment after that - so I took it in stride. Guess I learned that I will have to site back and wait for a similar offering from her, if that ever comes. Anyway - I guess I am struggling with GAL - but I guess thats true especially after moving out really just weeks ago. I see your H did file the papers - sorry to hear and I do understand your feelings exactly - I really din't think my W would go thru with LS papers - but she did.
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
LR...You are right about the friends! Couldn't do this without them!
FM-I have really let time with the kids slip lately and am going to work on that! I CAN help that!
Tom-Yes...it does sound like you need to work on your GALing. It really does help to keep busy! Great job on not making a big deal out what she said about the distance thing! It is great that you were both at the house and got along!
H called my cell while I was working (won't even call the shop now...) and I guess he didn't read the calendar I gave him about the kids being out of school on spring break as he wanted to know what time to pick up S14 from school for the Dr appt. so dangit, I had to call him back! Should have waited and left him a VM after midnight when he was at work! Anyway, told him that kids were out of school so would be home and ready for him at set time. I mentioned that I had hoped to have a break where I could meet them for the appt. Then, I said that I thought they might have to up his dosage as it doesn't seem to be having an effect...mentioned going to p/t conferences and that the report was not good...nothing from H...didn't ask what grades S14 got or anything so I said, we can talk about it some other time, I have to go, my client is here and hung up. NOW, it seems we cannot even talk about the kids? This is the most distant he has been. Maybe she was there or maybe he really just does not give a crap!
Detaching will be pretty dang easy if this keeps up! I swear he seems to be getting worse!
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Detaching will be pretty dang easy if this keeps up! I swear he seems to be getting worse!
The distancing becoming greater since he's filed, is a normal thing; yet he's STILL confused about what he's doing, and any conversations you've had with him since are confusing him further(I'm assuming you've not made a big deal to him out of him filing; you're just talking/ranting about it here)
He's expecting you to pitch a fit with him, talk him out of it, something, and you're not doing that, are you? In fact you're not really doing anything but getting on with your life; and I don't think he's likes that very much; you're not feeding his justification for what he's doing.
You're letting him go, but will fight for what's yours when the time comes; since you're not really talking to him about anything other than what you have to, he is unable to guess what you will do right now, based on what he knew before. So, he's creating distance to see if you will close the gap..but don't take the bait..keep letting him go.
You will know if/when it's time to close that gap with him.
On the other hand, he was expecting to start feeling better once papers were filed, and he's NOT getting there; and that's got him thinking deeply, too; to the point he's distant with not only you but most likely, with everyone else, CW.
Don't concern yourself with him..just ease him right on out of your mind.
He's also got ALOT on his mind; guilt amongst other things...and you're right, detaching will be VERY easy if this keeps up..make it easier for you...so run with it!
The answers are there within you; you must learn to access those. Sometimes it is helpful to "talk it out", and the answers will come that way.
Anyway, this is what I'm getting from your post...deep confusion/distant behavior on his part.
It's going to take some time for what he's started to do to really sink in; I think it's starting to, but hasn't gotten very far yet.
On some it doesn't really sink until the deed is a done deal. On others, it takes MORE time....unfortunately, on still others, they go on, and NEVER admit what they did was a mistake; pride gets in the way. Possiblities to look at in this...unpredictable possiblities.
You're doing fine...HE's NOT.
What do you think?
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Hi HB! First of all, thankyou for what you said about me to Round 2. I was just catching up on her thread and we do have a lot of similarities!
No, I have not discussed the D with him at all since the disscussion of talking to the kids and him blaming me for his rush to file. The only things I have talked to him about on the phone were about our rental property and today about S's appt/grades...this is it for our conversations in 3 weeks except when he called last week to say he had to work so would not see the kids and if the kids had been home, he wouldn't have called me at all.
As for the distancing...I did not look at it the way you have explained it. Was hurt that he didn't even seem to care about S14. And, you are right, he has also distanced himself from SS28. Has not seen him since 12/30. My DIL has started calling him from her work # as he won't answer when she calls from her cell....so yes, I am not the only one he is pushing away.
Easing him out, easing him out, easing him out....of my mind!
Quick story...a friend of mine stopped in my work place the other day looking for me and my co-worker asked if she was a friend of mine. This friend and I kinda lost touch after we had kids, went on with our lives and ran into each other occassionally at the big hair shows. I hadn't talked with her for a couple of years and before I had surgery (masectomy) she calls out of the blue! She had heard from a friend of a client of mine about my cancer. She came to the hospital the day of the surgery, brought food for my family etc. Called once in ahwile during chemo and once I was all better, quit calling! So, when she leaned in to ask my co-worker "how is Lisa doing?" my co-worker assumed that since she was my friend, that she knew about my H and my seperation and dropped the bomb! I called my friend last night and we talked for awhile and she didn't judge, just offered support and her H if I needed anything around the house done etc....I just can't help thinking that that was not a coincidence! She told me what a strong person I am and that I didn't seem to know that!!! Hmmm, where have I heard that before?
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Hi HB! First of all, thankyou for what you said about me to Round 2. I was just catching up on her thread and we do have a lot of similarities!
Oh, honey, you're welcome, I really do like you and Round2, also; both of you would be good for each other, I'm thinking. I'm the world's worst for "hooking people" up, bringing people together, especially with the similarity in situations.
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As for the distancing...I did not look at it the way you have explained it. Was hurt that he didn't even seem to care about S14. And, you are right, he has also distanced himself from SS28. Has not seen him since 12/30. My DIL has started calling him from her work # as he won't answer when she calls from her cell....so yes, I am not the only one he is pushing away.
That was where my experience and the ability to "draw things" out of a situation comes into play, helping you to understand his distancing is NOT personally directed AT YOU; it had NOTHING to do with you or your children at all. I rely on what comes to my mind as I read your posts, and post it as it comes to me, praying that what I post is correct; as I've never dealt with divorce in MLC.
Keep remembering it's HIM, not YOU. It's hard NOT to take it personally, I understand that completely. Keep ranting right along; I'm right there with you.
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Quick story...a friend of mine stopped in my work place the other day looking for me and my co-worker asked if she was a friend of mine. This friend and I kinda lost touch after we had kids, went on with our lives and ran into each other occassionally at the big hair shows. I hadn't talked with her for a couple of years and before I had surgery (masectomy) she calls out of the blue! She had heard from a friend of a client of mine about my cancer. She came to the hospital the day of the surgery, brought food for my family etc. Called once in ahwile during chemo and once I was all better, quit calling! So, when she leaned in to ask my co-worker "how is Lisa doing?" my co-worker assumed that since she was my friend, that she knew about my H and my seperation and dropped the bomb! I called my friend last night and we talked for awhile and she didn't judge, just offered support and her H if I needed anything around the house done etc....I just can't help thinking that that was not a coincidence! She told me what a strong person I am and that I didn't seem to know that!!! Hmmm, where have I heard that before?
You've heard that from several of us here on the board, CW..you can NEVER see the depth of strength within you, but other people do, and it is remarkable the amount of strength you display. Other people in your position are falling apart, but you're really not...and you honestly cannot see that you're much farther along that most people.
Concerning your friend; all things happen for a reason, and you need as much support as you can get during this time, CW.
NOTHING is ever a coincidence, everything has its purpose, and God DOES send people to help us through certain things in our lives. When they are done they move on to other things.
I've made many connections in my life, but very few of them have stayed. That is for good reason; if I'd kept all those connections, I'd be one busy lady with NO time for anything else. LOL!
The vast majority of people I've helped or counseled have gone on to do other things, and the connection dropped. There has been very few that have come back across my path again...and I accept those for what they are/were; encouragement when I or they needed it, help given, when it was needed, a sense that we're not alone in this world, and there will ALWAYS be someone who appears out of the blue when we need them the most.
The Lord knows our needs before we even ask, and I, too, have been sent many times on a mission to help..and sometimes I did not know until getting into it, a little further, what it was for or even WHO it was for.
Many people have been sent my way, or I've been sent to them...and I accepted this as my life's work long ago, when I was young, dumb, and didn't know any better. I'm sure glad I chose to obey the Lord and His directives; I've met some fantastic people along the way in my life, and I was honored to be a part of their lives for awhile.
The way I see it, I have also been the fortunate one, I didn't just touch their lives, they touched mine as well; and I learned a great deal from those I've helped over time.
I'm here for a reason now; and look at it this way, regarding your friend; she has been sent your way also for a reason, CW, and whatever help she gives, you need it or she would not be there.
Have a great evening; know you continue to be in my prayers.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Good morning HB! As always, I feel better after reading your posts!
I knew that my friend stopping in wasn't coicidental! It is like she has some kind of radar...lol! I have always known that I could count on her even if we hadn't communicated for a couple of years!
I am feeling better today. Thankyou for your prayers and your time!
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Well, after complaining about H yesterday, he called today after S14s appt to say they would up the dose of his medication and that all looked ok. So I said "great, thanks for taking him" and he said he told the Dr about me saying that conferences didn't go well (so he did listen!) and then he asked what else is going on? (that would be like, what's new, what's happening, what's up to him) and said not much and he then said he was on his way to taking the kids back home and I said "o.k., thanks again for taking him" So, today he wants to talk! It was a 180 for me to not go into great detail about about things that have been going on.
Got home and the kids said he had been rummaging looking for an mp3 charger so am thinking he may have see my DB book and or the budget/finances that I had been working on...don't know that for sure...it also had my notes from DB coach in it...wondering if that was really what he was looking for?
Apparently he is going to help SS28 pull out carpet tomorrow. I am amzed...he didn't say anything to the kids about spending time with them this weekend..they said he might stop by tomorrow!
Also, he made a comment to them about "doesn't Mom cook anymore?" because I had taken them to get burgers last night afterwork since I was beat and cupboards were basically empty until I got paid and groceries today! Grrrr...
I'm am trying to ignore.....
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