Loved and Supported...

[RMC]

Sage,
I understand your anxiety about this. Our brains go into hyper mode if there is anything suspicious at all.
In this case I think honesty is the best policy.
Pick your words wisely (try not to let those negative emotions come through!) and tell him how it made you feel.
DO NOT beat yourself up for the feeling this way!
That's just the way it's gonna be until enough time has passed that we actually really DO TRUST THEM. Let's face it-right now most of us are "acting as if."
It will take time for us to feel confortable trusting them. I think if we are gonna get there we need to tell them when we have an issue come up that really concerns us. If not it will eat at us ( I hate that!)
Do you feel comfortable talking to him about it-telling him how you felt? I know I seem to reisist doing that, but in the end when I do I always feel better for it.
You'll do the right thing-just think it through, and do what you think is best. Rachael

[NoLongerHere]

Hey Sage -

I know about that anxiety feeling, speculating about things. I'm still trying to internalize that there's nothing I can do to control the things that send me over the edge so I try to let them go, before they become a source or pressure. Every step my W takes toward me has to be her choice, and the thoughts she may or may not have are part of the process of making that choice, or else it's artificial. All I can do is clear the way by focusing on myself. For what it's worth.

So about the computer - this may or may not be helpful, but I'll tell you my take. For me, I've got a big privacy thing about the computer, and will tend to shut the monitor off when W comes into the room, no matter WHAT I'm doing. Examples / reasons include:

- Writing a short story - I just feel exposed in the creative process
- Reading / typing on the message board - this just feels private
- Playing a computer game - I just feel really silly when someone catches me spending time doing this
- Writing email to anyone -
- Checking out the BBC "Doctor Who" web site - because this is just plain embarassing...

I hate it when people use my computer because it feels like they're rooting around in my underwear drawer. If your H is anything like me, this incident might not mean much at all, he might just be touchy and private about computer use; I can see myself doing this too and it being totally innocent. Just my two cents - you certainly have a better handle on the sitch, and I don't want to minimze your feelings on it, just contributing my viewpoint.

Good thoughts your way Sage -

- Bill

[KutieKat]

oh sage

i think i am with your hubby on this one. i do nothing i should feel ashamed of on my computer, but i do find myself closing windows when he comes into the room.

i can only imagine your feelings tho, cause i am that way with the cell phone. when and IF he brings it into the house it is usually off. that makes me wonder, what is he trying to hide?

these are just leftover issues from before, work with them like you have everything else

move forward,

kitti

[sage]

Hi all,

I'm so frustrated at not having time to catch up with everyone today! I've been trying to post all day but darned work keeps getting in the way!

Thanks, all, for your support and advice this weekend...I have to say that not only was the crisis AVERTED but a BREAKTHROUGH was achieved...!!!

A little while after I posted my "high anxiety" post, h asked me if I could print a document for him (we have two computers networked together but only one is connected to the printer, etc). I said "sure, which one?" -- he pointed at one entitled "I love you so much I can't stand it".

Note to self: h really kicks butt in the ending of tension department.

We hugged, etc, and he told me that he needed to tell me something. He said that when he got to the study session that FF#1 told him that FF#2 wasn't coming. He said he internally freaked out, started feeling really sick to his stomach at the thought of our exchange this AM and knowing that he was now alone with FF#1 and would need to tell me that.

I was SO TOTALLY fine with it. Not an anxious bone in my body. I keep trying to tell him that it's not so much this FF or this friendship or their alone time as it is the stuff that it stirs up in me about ow, and fears and the past and the future...etc.

Anyway...without even acting "as if" I said something like "Oh, honey, I'm sorry that you felt so sick about it. I'm totally fine with your study time with FF. I am SO glad that you told me. I know that you didn't have to. It means so much to me."

He was visibly relieved. Gave me a huge hug and said "Your reaction makes it so much easier for me to tell you hard things"

I said "In the spirit of full disclosure, I need to explain my reaction to you when I came home..." -- I told him about seeing the open hotmail window, and my BAD reactions, etc.

He was totally cool -- said that it hadn't even occurred to him to say he was sending email because it WAS about the homework (Shiny -- you were right!) and that he was totally sorry that I had felt unsure or badly. I told him that I was totally responsible for my reaction, etc, etc.

He then said "I love it when we have breakthroughs like this". yesyesyesyesyes!!!

The rest of the weekend was lovely. We went to the movies ("The Station Agent") and dinner Sat. night. Sunday h was studying productively while I spent HOURS having fun on the internet looking for a hotel for our NYC trip after xmas. Found a GREAT one! Then last night we had a casual dinner, watched the Pats! I went to bed early.

Oh, forgot to mention that h gave me a massage last night. VERY relaxing, VERY .

I think this was a very good step forward to us. I so want h to see the positive changes that I'm trying to make in my thought processes...obviously NOT perfectly! But it totally helps me so much that he's committed to making changes, too.

Mondays are still tough for me. I have a TON of meetings at work...I go thru h-withdrawal -- and then I don't get to see him until late at night...during the A, Mondays were horrendous for me...I guess it's residue from that. BUT, h and I have talked a couple of times today...he's been totally lovely! Good stuff all around.

Oh, BTW...thanks to all of you who mentioned being private about your computer stuff, too! (KK, Zoo, Bill, etc). Funny thing??? Sunday I went to post an update for you guys and h came in unexpectedly and I closed the window! Guess I'm not immune either...gotta remember that next time!

Sage

[sage]

Here's MY sense of it...and of course I could very well be way off.

H IS more aware now of your insecurities about his female school chums. He doesn't know QUITE what to do about it.

So he's e-mailing her about the assignment (that's ASSuming it even WAS one of his ff classmates!!) when you come in.

In a panic he switches to the work...he IS actually working too. He knows this screen will be less likely to provoke worries/questions etc.

So shiny...you were totally right.

The best thing? H totally did a 180. He told me about studying alone with FF even though in the past my reaction would have been really negative. And it was easy for me to do a 180 in return! I really, really hope that this breeds more honest communication between us moving forward.

Sage

[sage]

During H and I's convo about OW this week I inquired if it made him uneasy to talk about OW. H said he hadn't really thought about it one way or the other...it was over with and he wasn't losing any sleep over it. I told him that it was easier for me to talk about it openly and straightforward...that treating it like a big secret or something that needed to be hidden and kept quiet tended to cause my brain to go into hyper-drive and I'd end up dwelling on it too much. H said he had no problem with that as long as I was comfortable with it.

Tonight H told me that he appreciated that I did not throw the A in his face and kept discussion of it as casual as possible. Do you and CJ talk about his EA openly or is it something that ya'all kind of just circle around most of the time for fear of upsetting each other? Would it be easier (as it was for me) for you to set aside the vestiges of fear you still experience if you COULD talk about it openly without worry of recrimination? If you think so then you might ask CJ how he feels about it...the worse that could happen is he would say it makes him uncomfortable, right?

I think that this would really be a + for us....right now she's definitely a taboo subject. It even feels weird (least for me) when we're watching a movie or tv and someone has her first name (it's kind of an unusual first name). My hope is that this weekend was a babystep towards just feeling a lot more comfortable being straightforward with each other.

Thanks for the great suggestion! Sage

[sage]

Hey Ms. Pam,

thanks for your wonderful thoughts this AM!
Sage

[sage]

Bill, RMC, T24, KK -- Thanks for reminding me that this is certainly an ok step on the path that I'm doing just fine and that even YOU guys would close windows if I walked in

Sage

[holdingon]

How wonderful was that!!!

[RMC]

Your H seems to be the ideal post A husband!
He does so much to show you he loves you!
I know what you mean about the name thing. My H OW has a very common name and I cringe everytime I hear it!
You guys are doing GREAT!! Rachael