She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[Awoken]

Hey Tbart, I've been lurking your thread since u got here. I'm sorry you haven't been getting a lot of responses lately; I know what that's like. Remember that many more people are reading your thread than post on it.

I'll offer my thoughts, just to give you some support.

First:

Does anyone really know how the mind of the WAS works. Four weeks ago she was telling me she was miserable also, then she wa cold, then she still loved me and wanted us to go to C and we'll take it from there, to being back to the way she is now.

Sandi and Greek both have great insight into the mind of the WAS, since they both were WAW's. They have both posted useful things here in your thread, and I really suggest you go back and re-read what they had to say. It's important.

You shouldn't try to mind read your W. First, you can't know what is going on with her, and second it distracts you from the GAL activities you need to be pursuing. Thinking about W makes you think about pursing her, and about saving your M.

I told her I thought we would visit for a little while.

this is what I'm talking about. This is straight out pursuit, and it's a db mistake! I'm not saying you should be cold to her, but you do need to avoid any pursuing behaviors.

I stuck to the points, listened and agreed when needed, and compromised like readjusting the day.

If this was as smooth as you make it sound, then great job. I've always had a hard time with these kind of conversations, and even when I thought I had been validating and cooperative, I've discovered later that my very manner of speech betrayed my true thoughts. When you said "like readjusting the day", I worry that your W saw through you. You have to change the very manner of your communication.

I had my daughter ask her if she got my email.

Man, I think this is a bad idea: communicating through your kids. It may make you look weak and manipulative. It's like a veiled accusation, letting your kids in on the idea that your wife is not responsive to you. Your W knows this. It's also not good for the kids IMHO. I'm not suggesting you hide the realities of what is going on from them. kids see and understand. But I don't think they should be in the middle of your conversations. It's gotta be tough on you, being on the otherside of the world (I can't imagine). If your W is communicating through your kids, its a good chance for some boundary setting; which is good for you.

Tbart, you've been on my watch list, but I simply haven't felt like I had anything to say. All our stichs are difficult, and I hardly feel qualified to offer advice. Take it with a big grain of sand (if you haven't had enough of sand!)Know we are out here thinking of you. Of course, thanks for your service. I'm anxious for you to get home and see what happens for you. I know you are worried, but it's gonna be great for you to see your kids again. It sounds like they really need you now. I also think you need to sort out the question of OM/EA, ect.

hang in there.