Next steps

[avermont]

Not achieving much at work today!

Thoughts:

Try to realize that staying in Vtown (my town) rather than moving to Btown (equally cute little town) will be horribly painful if/when X gets house with GF. First thing they will do (as we often did) will be to walk around town. Hi, hi, hi, ramble, enjoy....and then they will ramble by my new whatever house.

If I want to run to the grocery store for something...they could be there...

Best, perhaps, to move to Btown.

Yet, all of you who have to co-parent have to see X all the time, and either now or eventually with new partner.

What just distracted me just now to the point of tears; what I want to write to X:

Dear X--

I cannot go on with our R like this. I love you, I still love you, and I regret all my actions and words over the years that lead you to doubt my love.

I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to fight over the house. I don't want to take the house that you put so much love into out of spite, or anger. I want you to be happy.

I regret that we never talked about how we got to this point. I'm sorry I never knew the depths of your pain.

I can't bear that our only communication now is legalese house bargaining via email.

I don't know how to move forward and heal myself, and heal myself in relationship to you. I fear the dynamic we are currently setting up will prevent any possible healing between us and future feelings of gentle good remembrance, which would be the best I could hope for.


Etc, etc. sob, tears, except I am at work.

I won't write this to X. I'll never get a chance to say this.

oops, better stop or towel sobbing at work!

[jasper67]

Please dont send it or read it to him, that needs to be for you right now...

((()))

[flowmom]

Write it down for yourself, but not for him.

Aver, have you worked on the detachment exercises?
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/
scroll down to the steps

Here's where I did step 1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1950158#Post1950158

and here's where I did step 2-3
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1950915#Post1950915

I might do The Work on the beliefs in the link above.

I think you are ready for this. (((Aver))) Your H might never give you the closure that you want and need. But you can give that to yourself.

[avermont]

Oh, no, I was never going to send this.

This was for me, and for anyone who wanted to listen, thanks.

Thanks for those links.

I am doing the Work, and I know it will be helpful. I had a session lined up for Tuesday but I had to cancel.

Thanks so much!

[avermont]

Thanks for those links, FM.

I never got past the first page of the article. I know I need to do these exercises.

As I posted somewhere else--oh, Talia's thread--I have been running both physically and mentally for so long, and avoiding the work. Now as the last days of our R come down (dealing with the house) I have to do the work. And The Work.

Thanks for the links and the nudge.

[talia]

Aver,
I said this to someone else today... I have a notebook full of letters to H. All the things I want to say but couldn't for various reasons. I might suggest that for you - it was a great suggestion by my therapist. It gave me a chance to express how I was feeling without having to express them to H.

Now I can look back and see the improvements in my PMA. I think you are right - you have been avoiding your feelings in all this. (In response to your posts on my thread) Time to stop doing that. The reason you are feeling the way you do is because the longer you "stuff" your feeling the worse they are when they finally break out. Time to face them - head on - and deal. THATS what it means to label your feelings. To truly understand WHAT you are feeling - honor it for what it is - deal with it however it should be - move on.

My best example of this... the first time I actually DID it...

I asked H back in Nov to NOT file for D until after the holiday's, I didn't need the added stress. He agreed. Come 12/26 I was starting to panic. I thought I would hear from him right away about filing for D. Nothing Nothing Nothing till mid Jan. Then the email - sent to my work - "We need to meet to figure this out". I started to get the total devastated sobbing feeling... you know the one. I started to tell myself "You have no reason to feel this way, its not a surprise" "You've been expecting this for weeks, why are you upset" "He's given you no indication he has changed his mind, you shouldn't feel sad"... You get the idea.

Then I thought about it - and my therapy - and stopped myself. I left work early - at noon. I went home and I CRIED - all afternoon. I DO have the right to feel that way - its a TERRIBLE experience. I HONORED my feelings... cried all afternoon. Talked to my mom, my BFF, and cried some more. By early evening - I felt better and that was it. I wasn't sad about the email any more after that. By honoring my feelings they didn't ruin the rest of my week or throw me back from months of progress. I didn't feel guilty about it or beat myself up for needing the time... I just let it go and felt good that I took care of my mental health.

Not sure if this example helps explain the "label your feelings" stuff - I hope it helps you understand what I mean...

(((AVER)))))
Hang in there - you are just starting the emotional journey - cut yourself some slack!!! Put YOU first...

T

[blownaway65]

Aver, I have a stack of letters I wrote with the "intention" of giving to W. They range from really soppy to extremely angry.

Needless to say she will never see any of them, but I'm glad I wrote them and I will probably keep them as well.

I guess they were really a way for me to express my feelings at the time and as an outlet for them.

Like Tal, my IC is helping me DEAL with the issues that go with having to have semi regular contact with W & OM. To that point I've spoken to W about the need for us to remain able to have a civil conversation about the kids, House etc - and I can tell you that was really hard, but not as hard as I'd worked myself up to think it would be.

Currently working on being able to stand in front of OM and speak to him rather than kick him in the nuts !!!

The fact that W is with him not me doesn't make me any less of a person.

Aver I guess I'm really saying what Tal is, you HAVE to deal with the bad feelings as well as the good ones, no matter how much it hurts, in order to move forward.

[avermont]

Thanks, Tal, and blownaway-

You are very right. I haven't taken that day off from work yet to just sob it all out.

The explanation about "labeling" feelings did help. I will talk with my C about this.

I do know that by "stuffing" my feelings it will all come out later, somehow.

I just wish I had a week of vacation to lie in bed and wail...maybe I could wail it all out and get it over with!

Keeping a journal of letters never to be sent is a good, though painful, idea.

BA--HOW are you facing W and OM? My struggle right now about where to live is ALL about-how can I, when can I, deal with seeing X and GF? Do I stay in Vtown and "risk" running into them at the grocery store?

Ugh, how do you people co-parent and see X and OM/OW all the time?

Should I stay or should I go...where to buy a house.

Then I had a "duh!" moment. I could rent for a year. Give myself time to figure out the new life, new place, new where and how to be. No need to rush and pressure and deal with a house.

So that was a good thought.

Thanks again!

[blownaway65]

Aver, it actually gets easier with time. I just tell myself (no I KNOW deep down) that I'm a better person for this experience. I'm the one doing the work to make my next R a better one and to make me a way better person. W & OM aren't.

OM is Divorced, he left his W. My W left me. I know they will go thru their "honeymoon" time and when reality sets in it will be them, NOT ME who hit the wall.

When their day comes I know that it won't be any problem to be able to look W in the eye and confidently tell her I am not remotely interested in having her back - I've well and truly moved on.

I'm seeing changes in the way my friends see me, had lots of comments on how good I look, how confident and happy I am.

The lady I'm seeing is always telling me I'm a "beautiful man".

Sure there will always be people, especially in a small town like mine, who give the strange looks and talk about what they THINK is going on. But they haven't walked in our shoes so what they think holds no interest to me at all.

It started a lot with "Act as If", but as time goes by Aver, as you drop the rope to WAS, it just becomes !

As for co parenting, not much of an issue for me there, I have the kids, W is content just to see them a few hours a week. Just makes me more the better person and her someone who gives up. I know I'm passing on to the kids positive things that they will take into adulthood and that makes me feel all the better.

Hope this helps.

[jasper67]

^GREAT STUFF