YOu get the accountant to call you two and organize it all... YOU dont' need to talk to HIM at ALL
Your mother is RIGHT, if you are just shutting HIM out and reading his texts and listening to phone calls in message form from him.. it IS you playing a game
You are supposed to be living a life WITHOUT his INVOLVEMENT
Right now you are just having HIM live a life without YOUR involvement since he doensn't hear from you
You need to shut HIM out FULLY, that means your mother clears your phone calls and texts and you get a NEW EMAIL ACCOUNT that he does not know about... you turn your old account credentials over to your mom or someone and they change your password
THEY monitor all his emails he sends and they DELETE THEM.
If he sends an important message, THEY send YOU a message in their own words with teh facts you need to know.
You aren't doing a full protection phase here yet... YOU are still exposing yourself to him if you read all his texts and count how many times he calls you each day... you are NOT PROTECTING YORUSELF...
you are allowing him to control you just like mb28.. you are letting the amount of contact you get from him to control YOUR mood when you keep count
STOP COUNTING HIS CALLS AND TEXTS
You shoudl not be able to post counts here at all
You were saying you were sick of reporting about husband's activities.. I want to know how on earth if you are in protection phase how you CAN report his activities? lol
Regarding the b day party
YOu throw a party, your H is NOT helping and he is NOT invited.
If HE wants a party, he can throw one for his son during his visitation...
I love you and I married you for life. I want to remain married to you. I am willing to address the things that I did wrong in our marriage. However, your present and past acts of infidelity, your lying, your manipulating people is so hurtful to me and our children that it will destroy the love I have for you and it will permanently injure our children. Once your your painful activities are stopped and I am confident that the past is over then we can talk about our future. Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever in any form.
In an emergency you can reach me through your MOM. Arrangements for seeing children and handling finances can be handled via text or email to my MOM.
The contacts at the bottom shoudl NOT be your contact info...
YOu will be getting a NEW phone number anyhow.
You give him a third party to go through if he wants anything... the third party decides if he gets through
----------------------------------
<ring ring>
THIRD PARTY : Hello
HUSBAND : Yes, I need to talk to 4luv
THIRD PARTY : You can leave anything important with me, that's as far as you are getting.
HUSBAND : It's an emergency
THIRD PARTY : Then stop arguing and give me the details
HUSBAND : I would rather tell her myself
THIRD PARTY : This is the system <husband name>, cooperate or I am hanging up.
HUSBAND : OK FINE... I wanted to know where my missing green sock is.. I can't find it in my car anywhere... and I need a new change of underwear
THIRD PARTY HANGS UP
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THAT is how a call works.. YOU don't even get TOLD by your third party there WAS a call... GOT IT?
He very likley will make a lot of calls that aren't important... he will eventually stop playing or your third party can block him for an hour or two...
The thing is... YOU dont get exposed to any of this.. he becomes someone ELSE's problem who he CAN'T manipulate or HURT... got it?
You get a strong third party who can just shut him out and doesn't put up with his bull $hit.
YOu reading his texts at the end of the day when your mom gives you teh phone back is NOT a protection phase...
The sample above is... you are perfectly protected from his calls in the sample above.
thx for the letter revision Allen. I am now comfortable sending it.
I have a question...How long do I stay in protection phase or what is the plan to end it? I get that protection phase is essentially divorce without the paperwork. So do I just stay here until/if husband moves toward me?
I just don't see him moving toward me. I just see him looking at this as an easy way to get out of the marriage now that I have cut him off...His saying is "no used in crying over spilled milk."
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
You don't even need to think on that yet.. you haven't started PP yet and you are wondering when you end it...
You want to know when you either :
a. Accept him back b. Divorce him
My answer is... you will KNOW when you're ready
Right now... you don't sound like you want a divorce...
Are you ready for a?
Not likley...
Really, it is Last Resort Technique in part.. so, if the protection phase doens't work, you are STRONG enough to divorce if you have to.
The protection phase STRENGTHENS YOU and BUILDS you into an independent person...
So... when you CAN divorce, that's when to do that... my guess is you are'nt strong enough to carry that out right now...
And it shoudl NOT be done in ANGER... Let me give you something from Phil McGraw too :
Are you ready to get divorced? If you’re unhappy and think you’re ready to call it quits, answer the five questions in Dr. Phil's Divorce Readiness Test:
1. Have you done everything you can to save and rehabilitate your marriage? 2. Do you have unfinished emotional business? 3. Have you researched, planned, and prepared yourself legally for divorce? 4. Are you ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children? 5. Are you willing to create a new relationship as a co-parent?
Dr. Phil believes most people in America are too quick to get divorced. You shouldn't get a divorce, he says, until you’ve turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible; you have no unfinished emotional business; you’ve researched, planned and prepared yourself legally; you’re ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children and you’re willing to create a new relationship as a co-parent.
For more on his first two questions, read on:
Have you gotten help for your marriage? Have you exhausted all avenues of putting your marriage back together? That means everything from reading books or going to a marriage counselor, to speaking to a clergy member and spending time focusing on you and your role in what's going on.
You need to ask yourself:
* What was your marriage like when it worked? * When did it go wrong? Why? * Is what you're fighting about worth breaking up your marriage? * What do you want? * What is it costing you to be in your relationship? * Are you willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work? * What are you doing to contaminate the relationship?
"You know you're ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt. Otherwise, you've got unfinished business," says Dr. Phil. "Unless and until you look each other in the eye feeling peace, no hatred or resentment, you're not ready to get a divorce."
Do not make life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil. Such consequential decisions should not be made when tensions are high. Get on flat ground first so you can look at things more rationally.
Ask yourself:
* Are you still in love with your spouse? * Are you hurt? * Are you scared? * Are you angry? * Are you confused?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, you've failed the test. This is not the time to make life-changing decisions. You have more work to do.
"I can finally say that I went a full day of NC whatsoever."
Great! but wait! There are 2 types of contact that you need to protect yourself from.
"You are supposed to be living a life WITHOUT his INVOLVEMENT".
I will say the same as Allen.
Now that you have gotten over the hurdle of "Direct contact", we can work on "Indirect Contact".
Direct contact is seeing, phoning, texting, emailing.
Indirect is trickier. This includes allowing any thought of WH at all! Like reports from others about WH, checking, and yes, even thinking and posting here about him. The less contact, the better for you and your marriage. It gets easier as the days go by.
And no, you are not supposed to "just sit here!" This has been the hardest part for me...GALing. My life as is, is very busy. But I have gotten into some old interests, family history stuff, scrapbooking, tennis, that had fallen by the wayside. Start thinking and posting along these lines.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
I have Penny's eBook on Protection phase in my pc someplace... you can buy it for 16 bucks on her [censored] site
Its an ebook you download immeidatley...
I have it on my pc someplace.. its such a good book. I don't mind sharing it, but I would ask that you do buy your own copy when you have funds and time to support Penny fully, I do not feel right about giving it out for free when she is putting the funds into her forum and such ... that's where the funds go...
So, If you promise to buy teh book when you have time and money I will post the pdf for you here if you like
I will buy it Allen...I have actually been visiting her site as well since her name was mentioned. I don't want me or you to get kicked off the DB website :-)
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
