I agree 100000% K. That is my point. I made a similar observation on Lola's thread last week.
I spent so long (almost 3 years now since I first suspected OW) working/trying/fighting to keep our relationship together, and it didn't work. I know I did my best, and tried everything I knew to try, so it isn't that I am upset about that part. I mean of course hindsight is 20/20 so I would do things differently if I could, but I can't, so I don't dwell on it.
But the things is, I am used to being in "fight or flight" mode, and now there is nothing to "fight" against. The battle to save the marriage is over, and I lost. I have gotten so used to 'thinking/trying/hoping/praying' that I am not sure what to do with myself now that I am out of that mode...
I so know that feeling! Not sure I've heard anyone else express that on here. It's like you're constantly watching for the other shoe to drop somewhere in your life. Hard to just relax and move ahead!
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I know what you're talking about. W and I have had a lot of bad moments, but we've also gone to the movies together, done things together over the past few months. To be honest, really having a problem with boundaries, and I know what you mean that it's not healthy. In the past week and a half, we've swung between being intimate (yeah, probably not the best idea) to her telling he she hates my guts, immediately after the mediation session. At any rate, I think we can be good friends once this settles down.
W has talked about us taking a family vacation to Disneyland; she's made various comments about some sort of post-D relationship. Even to the point of saying that, if we're supposed to be together she's like it to happen "organically" once the D is over. It's some crazy fantasy in her head. Well, it's cake-eating.
I'm not sure now why I'm posting all this on your thread, other than I can relate, and it's crazy-making.
I know what you mean about the fight / flight mode - now that we're at the end, it's just - ending. I still don't know what the future looks like. It's very possible that this mediation process, though, just brings the door down. There's a lot for us to heal from.
She told me that what I described (not seeing a future with Dan, but unable to picture a Dan-free future, either) was pretty typical for my current situation.
She actually thought it sounded like I HAD moved forward. Because I can't imagine a life with Dan....she said that meant that my mind had accepted that the way he is now we would not be good together and I can see that he is highly unlikely to change...so that is a step forward from just wishing/hoping we would get back together.
So maybe I am further along than I thought. Just have to keep coming up with personal goals for me and for the kids. Just keep swimming....
In my case, it is hard for me to imagine a time when I feel no more for Dan than I would for a neighbor or a co-worker. You know, you have a general concern for their well-being but it doesn't affect your daily life and you don't spend much time thinking of them.
And the thing is, I am coming at this from a different angle than a lot of people on this board. My ex and I aren't at each other's throats. There are no restraining orders, no facebook confrontations with OWs or in-laws, etc.
I noticed at my parenting class this weekend that most of the parents there had an adversarial view of their exes. The goal was for them to work at cooperating and being civil/businesslike for the kids. The leader said something about, "Eventually for the kids it would be great if you could both attend sporting events, conferences, etc." without tension/drama. Most of the parents just laughed and did the whole "yeah, right" thing...
We have the opposite problem. Granted things were quite tense when we were living together in KC and I knew he was also with OW. But since moving up here and him moving out, we have gone to the movies together, gone out to dinner together, taken the kids to see Santa together,etc etc. Even the Disney trip together last June!
However that was not a healthy connection, I am learning more and more. Because the extent to which we 'connected' was entirely dependent on Dan. When he wanted together time, we had it. When he wanted to be left alone, he was. He was getting just enough of his needs met with no regard for mine. And I was totally complicit in that, I admit.
Now for the past two months there have been NO family outings of any kind. He hasn't even been to church so we haven't sat together there. That is 90% my doing, I told him I didn't want him in the house hanging out anymore.
The thing is, I know if I wanted to change things I could. If I were open to it, I am sure we could do movies, dinner, etc together again. But it would not be good for me. Because I know it would mean nothing to him in terms of our relationship, but it would send confusing messages to the kids.
So I don't really know what I am working toward with him at this point. We did the 'friendship' thing and I allowed that to hurt me with my own expectations. I don't want to do the enemy thing either. So I need to strive for "co-parent" and leave it at that.
Thanks for letting me ramble, I had a point but don't know what it was....
I like this...I think it is a epithany....and as for the map...the city you're traveling to is Happyville...time to stop thinking of the past..thinking about him or them..time to think about you..
I think you are actually doing very well. Not seeing a Dan-free future could merely be the fact that you share children, so technically there never WILL be a Dan-free future.
Putting a stop to the family outings and not allowing Dan to have free run of your home is also a way of taking you back. I still believe that when we are married, sometimes we lose sight of who we are as individuals, and when faced with the separation and D, we are still in that chapter trying desparately to figure out how we can attract the WAS back. You are out of that phase, realizng that for your own mental health and sanity, and that of your children that it is not the healthiest way to live.
I think one of the key ingredients I have learned is that the R's that we had in the past with the WAS are over. Regardless of whether or not there is a future R, the one in the past needs to be left behind. It is a matter of starting over, completely, learning to trust again, learning to love again. Sometimes, it has to die before it can begin again. And for many of us, the death of that relationship will remain permanent.
Regardless of what the future holds, for now it seems like you have realized that the M with Dan is completely finished. I have discovered that this is a painful part of the grieving process, the death of the dream, what you held most dear. But I see tremendous strides that you have made, especially in the last several months.
((((Bobbi Jo)))
You are coming along very nicely
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
BJ - will have to respond more in depth when time permits but wow couldn't agree with you more about remembering what it was like to do this things, can't picture yourself doing them now with him , or a future that is clear of him. Check the roadmap for this girl as well!
<<In my case, it is hard for me to imagine a time when I feel no more for Dan than I would for a neighbor or a co-worker. You know, you have a general concern for their well-being but it doesn't affect your daily life and you don't spend much time thinking of them.
And the thing is, I am coming at this from a different angle than a lot of people on this board. My ex and I aren't at each other's throats.>>
Hey BBJ, I am coming at this from the same angle as you. So, i understand how you feel. It makes it difficult and you can fall into the trap of wondering why the heck you got divorced in the first place. Well in my case and yours as well, our spouses were less than honest with us and we have to remember that. I have been lucky enough to meet a wonderful lady who is not perfect but nor am I. A person who is much more in line with my "morals". This does not mean that my X is worse or better, just different. There comes a time when you have to realize that even though we may have had good times together, our WASs have changed. So, just wanted to tell you that I understand how you feel and that it will get better and that you are doing great.
