1. mb28 is suffering 2. Children are suffering 3. Even mb28's husband is suffering
And yes, it is pursuing but not by mb28, so its positive pressure... during an affair a WS needs to hear a voice of REASON to offset the TEMPTATIONS of the affair.
Basically the WS becomes a rubber band full of tension...
If there is NO PULL on the marriage side by supportive friends, there is little pressure in that direction.
There is SOME from the protection phase and not hearing your wife's voice, or seeing your children every day, not to mention living the shame of an exposed affair in your home, at work, with your friends... hearing everyone whisper your name as you walk by ... "He's cheating on his wife..." etc
All of that is pressure, but to have good friends sit you down while you are a huge mess and have them say
"Stop hurting people and end your affair, you are making your wife ILL you creep"
That kind of stuff REALLY HITS HARD
But, at the same time, there's no anger generated twoards the spouse becuase the source of the pressure istn' coming from there
all of this is great stuff when its done well
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MB28 I think your friends are doing a wonderful job, it takes a LOT OF GUTS to stand up and advocate marriage like that, and to denounce an affair in public...
I WOULD ask them NOT to tell him "if you are gonna divorce then do it"... THAT is not likley a good idea
They should be pressing him to EXPLORE the possibility of reconcilliation through a FT you two both see together (separate sessions).
I always press this point, but its worth repeating
a. He wants to know if his affair has a future - doesn't know b. He wants to know if his marriage can be saved - doesn't know
The way to find OUT a, is to divorce and remarry
The way to find out b, is to attend a FT and reconcile. Choosing b is a LOT less work and a LOT less destructive. Furthermore, if his OW is SOOOOOOOOOOO in LOOOOOOOOOVE with him, she will WAIT in silence until he sorts out b for certain.
I always say this, you will NEVER know if the affair will turn out well for SURE unless you divorce, but you CAN know if the marriage can be saved wtihout divorcing... so, explore the marriage, as the easier question to answer first, if you explore that and you find out it can't be... then you can divorce knowing you turned over every stone.
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My concern with telling him "if you are gonna divorce then do it" might not help you over much.
He is claiming that he is going to hurt someone either way, well, sure, so lets hurt a grown woman and send her back home to HER marriage rather than hurting an entire family... THAT would be a good counter argument to his "Someone gets hurt either way"
The answer should be made OBVIOUS to him... he is making a HUGE DRAMA like this is a DIFFICULT decision to make ... its NOT hard..
THe THINKS the decision is hard, the DECISION isn't hard, he's just ADDICTED
It's EASY for us to see that giving up alcohol helps out someone with a substance abuse problem, but to the ADDICT, its a HUGE DILEMNA
Someone needs to just tell him
Look, you have a family, you have a responsability, this is NOT about YOU.. its about your WIFE and children you made a COMMITMENT TO. You have an obligation to EXPLORE that with a family therapist before abandoning your family. Families do NOT fully recover from that kind of damage, so if you are gonna do it, you OWE THEM an HONEST EFFORT before you FORCE them to accept YOUR CHOICE. Right now you need to stop waving a gun in their face by threatening divorce, its SELFISH, ignorant, and PERVERSE.. you may as well be threatening to kill them all.
Note, I never even brought UP the affair here, it wasn't necessary.
And ya, pup, I agree, its a bit of a debatable point, but to my mind, as long as the pressure comes from OUTSIDE the direct family (not wife or kids) then its not going to drive him further away from his wife... if anything it will invoke some sympathy to have someone SAY what she FEELS... SHE isnt' talking to him so he needs to HEAR that from someone..
That is why I advocate the exposure. it allows OTHERS to speak on behalf of the protected abandoned spouse while they are safe and not exposed to the drama.
