Loved and Supported...

[sage]

Just a quick update...not sure if I just made a DB error...oh, well, wait and see.

h and I were coming back from the gym. h is having a study group today and instead of going into school they're meeting at the library in the town where ff lives. I started spinning in my head about that...maybe it was just gonna be the 2 of them and it reminded me of WAY back when h drove ow home from some party or something...it was MILES out of his way and far more convenient for someone else to do it...this was before their EA officially started I think. I remembered the humiliation I felt when one of the wives said to me "hmmm..what's up with h driving her home...so far out of his way...".

Anyway, I torqued myself up (you might be impressed with the speed in which I can do this as we live about 1 minute from the gym) and I asked h "is that town convenient for ff#2 also?" -- I was testing him...trying to manipulate him into telling me that ff#2 was or wasn't going to be there.

I realized instantly what I was doing (unfortunately not before). Then, after about 10 minutes of being home I went to h...

s: can I tell you something and you won't get made (lame.)
h: no response
s: when I just asked you that question I think I was trying to see if you would tell me whether ff#2 was going to be there. I was testing you. It was like when I used to be cagey and manipulative with my questions. I'm really sorry about that.
h: it's ok (gives me a hug). ILY.
s: I want you to know this isn't about me having a problem with ff#1 and ff#2 -- it't just sometimes there's this teeny piece of me that gets worried.
h: I know. I'm not at all interested in ff#1 or #2 (this is where I think I have missed communicating)
s: I know that.

So....not sure this was the greatest convo known to man.

I'm trying to let h know that it isn't about ff#1 or #2 -- what it's about is my insecurities around honest conversation with h and probably his too and the stuff that we both have or haven't done to foster it.

IOW, if my goal is "h and I will communicate more honestly" -- did this get me closer or further away? I was more honest about what had happened but does that honesty get fed into his brain as "s. has an issue with ff#1 and ff#2 and I must not talk about them?"

That would be the opposite of my goal.

This area is really a big stumbling block for me. As Michele or JJ would say "what would it LOOK like if your goal were met?" Maybe that's the best place for me to start.

Also...note to self that my manipulative behavior was a byproduct of at least two things:
my runaway thinking and my feelings over the last few days that h was sort of distinterested in me.

Tackling both of those might be better than trying to come at it after the fact.

Postives:
met h for drinks and dinner. we had a lot of philosophical convos.

h bought me a surprise present...a set of delicious smelling candles for "us" (romance!)

h read to me from a book last night.

Sage