Talked to Dotty Mon. nite. She seems to think things are going well. I need to fine tune some things and be patient. I was doing good at being patient but find myself getting anxious and wanting some visible results. After I told her what had been going on lately, she pointed out some things in W actions that she would consider positive progress. I hope she is right.
W had school board meeting Mon. and got home at 10:00. This is second month in a row she has not gone out afterwards. She has still been crabby. Don't know why, she won't say and I know not to ask. She did mention we would have to take S3 to daycare a couple days a week because he mom couldn't watch him anymore. Her dad just retired and they want to travel. She's worried about money now. Wasn't a big deal when she wanted to go drinking and drive all over the place for v'ball and practice every night. She now gets a sitter to watch kids for practice since S3 broken collarbone, every night for two or three hours.
Should I still keep quiet? I know she won't listen or hear me right now. Does it sound like she is slowly realizing she can't do it ALL? We have four small kids and live in the country and everything is a drive. We just can't afford all of this.
Like me and the rest of the men on here, one of the most frustrating aspects of DBing is our desire to see progress, and often times, immediate progress. I think you have to fight that desire/expectation because it leads to more frustration.
How to do this? Maybe eliminating the timeline you have in your head. If you can't do that, set something way out in the future, like more months than you think you can handle just so you don't get anxious. That may help you with staying patient and just working on yourself. I struggle with this a lot myself.
A recent example with myself is in my own thread. I had gotten completely detached and more in the "moving on" mindset. Then W and I had a good conversation that resulted in us agreeing to plan a date with each other. That idea got yanked out from under me the following day and set me back in to the mode of thinking too much about my W and our situation, forcing me to start over.
I guess what I'm saying is take any perceived progress with a huge grain of salt and do not get your hopes up at all. It's almost guaranteed to be followed quickly with a setback that will cause you emotional distress. Stay cynical with regard to progress and don't worry about what is in your W's head.
The bottom line is she is going to have to make the decision to return on her own, hopefully in response to your changes. She won't listen to your reasoning, so don't try to reason or convince her that she's making a mistake through dialogue. Learn from my mistakes.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Like me and the rest of the men on here, one of the most frustrating aspects of DBing is our desire to see progress, and often times, immediate progress. I think you have to fight that desire/expectation because it leads to more frustration.
You are right Pigskin. Think of it in terms of situps. You do not wake up one day and immediately start doing 800 situps a day. You start of small and each day work at it a little harder. Eventually you find that you can do it several times a day. Eventually you realize you are doing them without planning or thinking about them.
Try it. 600 situps a day is analogous to divorce busting. It takes core strength. Dedication. Will power to continue. The progress is measured internally not by any measure of what someone else feels or thinks about you.
I did read your post and am sorry to hear of your setback. I want to tell you again how much I respect you and how you are conducting yourself through this mess. My W and I are still living together and I am still with my kids. I like to think I am doing OK, but if she decides to leave, I guess I will have to find some strength that I don't know I have right now. I have gotten over my clingy, pressuring mode and do feel better even when she is in her moods. I still find myself looking for response from her. In the DR book, it says to monitor your progress but I have yet to grasp exactly how to do that. I know things won't change overnight, baby steps, a marathon not a sprint, etc... You know? Anyway, good luck to you and I will keep up with you and offer my support, whatever it's worth. You are not alone.
SMcQ I understand-having trouble getting it through my thick skull. The changes are for me, to make me a better person. I know I am doing this. I realize alot of my mistakes and WANT to change. It doesn't matter what she thinks as she is in her waw fog. I'm just trying to do like Sandi says, what works not what feels right.
It's funny, I learn a lot here just by reading other peoples posts. A lot of being a man and "standing up to your wife" type things. Before my W and I started having problems, she would comment that she was glad that I wasn't like some of her friends husbands that wouldn't let them do anything without them and the such. I trusted her totally and never had the reason to say she couldn't/shouldn't go out ocasionally. I guess my big mistake was when she did give me a reason, I didn't stand up and tell her this is not how our marriage has been and I will refuse to let it be something like this. I still wanted to trust her but buried my head in the sand so as not to push her away. Worked well, didn't it. Hopefully it's not a lesson too late learned.
Saturday is S3 b'day. He says he want a real cow for his b'day! Don't think we can swing that! Anyway, W has been very pissy all week and we haven't talked about his b'day. Before I left for work this morning, I asked her if she had anything planned for him. She has an all day v'ball tourney on Sat. and has to work Sun. then Mon. and Tues. she is going to a concert with her sister. She said she hadn't had time to plan anything. I said that's OK, I thought about taking the kids to a movie and out to eat and inviting a few of his friends. She did not like that! She then started saying maybe we could go to the zoo or something Sun. when she gets home from work. I said sure, but I was still doing something with the kids Sat. I finished getting ready for work and W and S3 were in the recliner watching TV. I gave S a kiss goodbye and he gave me a big hug. I was right by her face so I turned up to her and gave her a kiss. She kissed back and I smiled and told her goodbye. I probably shouldn't have kissed her, but my face was right there, you know? I didn't expect anything in return and just left. The bottom line is, the kids and I will have a good time, and if she want to do something Sun with us, that will be fine, her choice.
IDU...I love birthday parties I hope you plan something fun for your S...that's a great GAL activity. Make sure you take lots of photos and create positive memories for everyone.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I was just thinking, it's almost as if she has already left, you know? I understand her not being there for me as she says I haven't been there for her in a while, but what about our kids? Is it part of the fantasy with OM? I'm not saying she doesn't love the kids. It just seems when she's in a bad mood as she has been the last week or so, it's not just with me, it's with them too. It's hard for me to explain: it's like she has detached from me and, to a lesser extent, the kids. God, I don't want them to go through a D. Please help us fix this.
I know, I can't control her actions. I am working on me. GAL, 180's, letting go, I'm still in the phase of wanting to save the marriage as we all are or were at one time. Can't get my mind around this maybe not working out how I want it to.
Is it the Stockdale Paradox? I really need to memorize that and keep it in mind.
I hope you plan something fun for your S...that's a great GAL activity. Make sure you take lots of photos and create positive memories for everyone.