The EA bomb dropped by misdirected text

[seeking answers]

SH - Just something to think about. I've read a couple of times on here from some of the more experienced folks with this saying, who would you rather your H/W talk to, you or somebody else?

I'm not sure how everything fits in together. I just wish my H was talking to me instead of the ow.

Have a nice evening!

[SoftHeart]

Thanks SA!

He seems compelled to contact me and there have been times when I felt like we were having a therapy session without the therapist. He's in DEEP Replay right now though, seemingly stronger and happier every day.

Going to dance class tonight! GAL, GAL, GAL (but I was doing this already when we were together

SH

[seeking answers]

SH - The 'happiness' you observe in your H, what's it like? Does it seem genuine? The reason I'm asking is that what we see in my H sometimes is what our D's call, 'Fake Daddy Happy'. It's just not him, and it doesn't reach his eyes. The depression is still evident underneath.

Anyway, what dance class are you taking? Sounds like something fun to do!

Hope you have a wonderful day!

(((Hugs)))

[SoftHeart]

SA, as always, thanks for the insight!

I suppose it could be true that this 'happy' is more along the lines of the 'fake' to reassure himself that he is doing the right thing. That sounds much more plausible then being happy and confident after 5 weeks of isolation from the only person that you were able to have truly emotional and spiritual conversations with.

I have been taking belly dance classes since 2006 - for fun, sisterhood & exercise. It's a blast (the costumes are great too!). H even took up Arabic drumming early on and still loves it, even though it is connected to our life together... Things like this really do give me a sense of hope in terms of our shared pursuits and the things in life we valued and enjoyed together.

SH

[SoftHeart]

Not much to report since NC mutually agreed to for the duration of the month...he's kept it up since the last text on Thursday.

In the meantime, I brought 5 bags of clothes to Goodwill today and had a great IC appt (IC is moved me to eo week now, since she thinks I'm making great progress). Working on clearing the house and getting ready for future sale (sooooo sad!).

It's the loneliness that is getting to me: the 'missing my best friend' stuff. But I have to remember that this person (alien) is NOT and likely will never be that person again. So, here's what I've done to remedy this so far:

I invited myself over to my neighbors' house on Saturday night (they have been so kind!) and another neighbors' last night (them too!)...just to hang out and have some company. They are all floored and concerned collectively (knowing how loving our M seemed to them), and trying to figure out ways that I can keep the house (but it's pretty hopeless). And, on Thursday one of my fellow doctoral candidate buddies is coming to stay with me for a couple of nights (bless her!). I've been trying to reach out to friends old & new, but most seem to be in avoidance mode...that's the trouble with trouble, people fear it's not good company and they don't know what to say/do, so they avoid...

I've also joined two area Meetup groups... to see how that goes and registered to attend an open house at a local Buddhist center (practicing Buddhist, but spiritual universalist when it comes to all religions and the importance of faith).

Today I also sent a resume to a potential FT job (with benefits!) that was sent to me by one of my volunteer contacts. Seems like a great opportunity, livable but not the best pay...but the benefits will make me less nervous about pending end of HIS benefits.

The pain of being alone and missing my life companion of 13 years is really difficult sometimes, but I know he's not even thinking about me right now - lost as he is in being a teenager again... It's best that I have removed myself as the object of blaming so that he might begin to recognize that the pain is coming from internal, not external, sources and needs to be dealt with INSIDE and not spewed on me!

I know that I am a passionate, talented, enthusiastic person who can endure much! That's what counts. I already HAD a life...I'm just piecing it back together and trying to re-seat my passions once again to keep moving forward into the life I love to look at that I was already building before he melted down. He had over-identified with what I was doing (my challenges and successes) and lost himself...lost his own identity...but I know that AM NOT RESPONSIBLE for that!

I will forge on and try hard to detach from his roller coaster. It's much easier with NC...but he's STILL always in my head (and my love for him and belief in reconciliation endures).

Thanks for listening (reading?) and any comments or encouragement you might offer!

SH

[SoftHeart]

...I see such support on this board! Where's the love?!?!?

I'm scared and lost and struggling too! Seeking some direction and words of wisdom...

SH

[seeking answers]

SH - I'm here and I hear you. I know what you are feeling. I have a houseful of kids and still I know what you're saying about the loneliness. I feel the same way. I miss my H.

None of this is a quick fix for our H's, but yours not having an ow may allow him to face his issues sooner. My H is with his band aid ow and from what I understand may prolong this even more. Who knows? It will all get resolved for both of us one way or another on God's time.

Move forward, live your best life, you will be okay.

Any chance of renting out a room in your home to help you meet expenses at least till you're on your feet?

(((Hugs)))

SA

[SoftHeart]

Thanks for your support SA...I'm just feeling alone, isolated, and lost right now.

He is still contributing right now (otherwise I'd be looking at foreclosure!) and he's made no moves to DO anything, despite his 'certainty'. The NC has kept it at bay. I mentioned the possibility of renting out a room earlier, but he said that he thought it would be uncomfortable for me...(why should he CARE?!).

At least I have 'work' at my underemployed job today and a reason to get out of the house. Also a yoga class tonight. And tomorrow I hope to have the strength to re-engage in the volunteer committee that I was into before he became a teenage WAS...

Sometimes, I'm just still not believing this is happening - given the years of mutual adoration and support that were witnessed by everyone in our lives.

It's just so CRAZY!

SH

[Mila]

Softheart, I feel you.....my WH is In MLC and having a full blown affair and left us in January. I'm going through the same struggles as you are. The loneliness... missing him...still questioning how is this possible. I feel pretty lost. We have been together for 37 years and now I don't even know this person that he's become. It's extremely difficult to detach, I have long way to go. I'm DBing and still hoping...and I'm in unbelievable pain.

I try to GAL and yes there is the yoga class and the pedicure and the meet-up groups, but after that you still come home to an empty house. Way to much time alone (I have D16 and she has her own life, so not much companionship there). WH & I were the best of friends and we've spent so much time together and I really miss that.

I'm sorry that I don't have the answers for you, I'm looking for them as well. Just hang in there, it will get better...at least that's what everyone is saying

[SoftHeart]

((Mila))

I deeply appreciate your words and empathy! Yes, there really is no way to ease this pain...just to feel it and try to move forward. The GAL stuff feels superficial at best.

Wow! 37 years compared to my 13 is astounding! While we had friends...they were on the periphery of our ultimate 'best friendship' and he's now seeking 'old' friends who he knew before we were together (for partying & validation) in order to validate his story of all of my horrible flaws. It's too much!

I'm trying though...

xx,
SH