Great on the apartment invite. When you go, be positive and do not mention any faults, messiness, or lack of childproofing. If you notice any safety issues, write them in an email later and then wait 24 hours to send and decide if they really are. It will be very painful. Be positive. Think of it as temporary apartment and it will help you get through it.
When you go, be positive and do not mention any faults, messiness, or lack of childproofing. If you notice any safety issues, write them in an email later and then wait 24 hours to send and decide if they really are.
I'm not worried about that. My children are old enough that they are pretty sensible about safety stuff. H is actually pretty safety-conscious himeself. But I guess you never know!
Originally Posted By: rr22
It will be very painful. Be positive. Think of it as temporary apartment and it will help you get through it.
Ugh. It will be hard. He's put more care and attention into that apartment in the last 2 months than he's ever put into any of our shared homes in the last 15 years. It's so ironic...I think he is finally realizing that you have to create a home, after criticizing and undermining my efforts to do that in our homes (we became polarized on that issue). And he's not stupid. Even he realizes that if he wants a "love nest" there it's going to have to meet a woman's expectations of reasonably clean/pleasant.
Last edited by flowmom; 03/11/1005:36 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Nice projection Aver . You don't need to commit yourself, but you do need to commit to yourself too.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
FM, Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about and praying for you. I know through each step in this totally messed up process, we find strength we didn't know we had. We really are stronger than we think we are. We are pushed and think we will fall off the cliff but find our balance and keep hanging on. Hang in there! I hope I can follow my own advice if my sitch gets any worse, and I'm sure it will go up and down, but I never thought I would make it this far.
Faith Hope Love .... But the greatest of these is Love.
Ugh. It will be hard. He's put more care and attention into that apartment in the last 2 months than he's ever put into any of our shared homes in the last 15 years. It's so ironic...I think he is finally realizing that you have to [b]create a home, after criticizing and undermining my efforts to do that in our homes (we became polarized on that issue). And he's not stupid. Even he realizes that if he wants a "love nest" there it's going to have to meet a woman's expectations of reasonably clean/pleasant. [/b]
It will be hard I am sure. I am in NO WAY STICKING UP FOR YOUR H but maybe think of things this way...
You said yourself that you had become a bit overweight and stopped really putting much effort into your appearance and that was an issue for your H. He could easily say "wow, NOW Flo cares about what she looks like and is losing weight but she didn't do it when I was around". My guess would be you never wanted to be unattractive for your H but life piled up and your appearance went on the back burner.
Now think of your H. He was overwhelmed with the children (again, this is his own fault as there are resources to help with that) and had these sleep issues (again, more resources to help he chose not to investigate) and was unhappy about finances when his business did not take off. Maybe for him the looks of the apartment became secondary just like your appearance became secondary to you.
Now that the R has changed maybe you BOTH are realizing things you put on the back burner are important and attainable.
No doubt he has the easier road as it is MUCH easier to create a home that is a sanctuary when children are only there part time, all the children's things (toys, books, clothes) aren't there and so on.
I guess I just ask you to consider that everything he does may not be a "slam" towards what you tried to do. Just like things you are doing now (trying to earn more income, becoming more fit, paying attention to your appearance) are not "slams" towards your H. Maybe you both realize that things you didn't pay attention to, you both should have!
I am not articulating this well, hopefully you understand what I am trying to say.
I see what you mean CG. It's true that H is making his own 180s...for himself, and it's good to remind myself of that.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Not too long ago, I think I posted it on my thread, I said I was amazed to see changes in my H too. He is not the same man. A lot of things that I thought he would never do by himself, he is now...
It helps to look a at things with compassion for him as well for youself. No doubt what you guys are going through, brings changes to him too, not all bad changes. Keep your eyes open to see the progress he makes/if he does as well.
. You don't need to commit yourself, but you do need to commit to yourself too.