1. h seems to be feeling a bit better so we ventured out for a date...tried out a new restaurant...had a good meal, a nice glass of wine...a bit of hand holding
2. we had a great (and very interesting!) conversation about sports...relating it to economic theory (I'm taking macro right now) in terms of supply and demand, salaries, etc. I'm reminded once again how intelligent, thoughtful, funny, smart my h. is. He's a real pleasure to talk with.
3. h tucked me into bed...(I went to bed much earlier than he did ) which involved him getting out of his cozy chair to hug and kiss me and make sure I was snug as a bug.
******************* I had kind of a flash of insight this AM (glad I didn't hurt anyone in the process!)...it was a combo of a few things...last night I felt a little sad...no real reason...just some sadness...and then when I was trying to fall asleep I got so MAD at myself for feeling down...
This morning...on the way to the gym...I was still beating myself up over .. I remembered how nervous I felt yesterday about posting my ASSumptions on my DB thread...scared that if h read them he would think "well, this is more of the same...she'll never be happy"...even a little nervous that YOU GUYS would think "she's still stuck"...and then it hit me....
my resistance to the way that I feel sometimes. my beating myself up...my fears that h will get angry at me for still feeling sad, hurt, whatever some times....heck, it's all getting in the way of ME accepting ME.
It's getting in the way of ME feeling JUST FINE the way that I am.
It's getting in the way of ME feeling comfortable with myself...and being/acting/doing things that express my comfort.
What you resist, persists.
Here it is... this is me. sometimes I'm still sad. sometimes I'm still angry. sometimes I'm still confused. sometimes I make mistakes in my actions. sometimes I make ASSumptions...about myself, about others. sometimes I have expectations. sometimes I over think things. sometimes I'm scared.
But MOST of the time? Most of the time I'm happier than I have ever been...in my new marriage, in my present, loving, delightful husband...in his hard work...in mine...
That's just the way it is, the way that I am.
it changes. I change. whoop...there I go again!
I'm doing the best I can.
I'm exactly where I need to be in terms of my "me-ness", my healing, my state of mind.
A few days ago I was thinking about h's a. and my dad's leaving...and I thought "how could they have been so indifferent to me? or worse, so hateful?"
But...don't I treat myself with indifference? self-hatred?
This AM I was bemoaning...Why can't h accept me as I am -- all the overthinking, all the emotions, all the me-ness?
And then I thought...have I accepted myself?
I've been fighting myself. Beating myself up.
How about I take that edge off of it?
Sounds like a plan.
I'm gonna keep letting my actions represent my best self ... (I've been doing quite well at this!)
No "time bomb" feelings for h, I hope.
Here's something that was in AARP magazine (the author is talking about not having kids...)...it was interesting to me that I found this TODAY:
" The struggle ended when I stopped struggling. That is, I stopped trying so hard not to be sad. I realized and accepted that I'd always be sad about it. And I began to look around me. Who isn't sad about something missed in life? Or about something terrible that has been endured? "
And here's my cainercast:
It's analogy time. Again. Er... let's imagine you are hungry and a cake is baking in the oven. The delicious aroma is overpowering. You feel much more inclined to wait for this delicacy than to fill up on any other food that may be on offer. If, though, you keep trying to open the oven door, you will ruin the cake and upset the baker to the point where your chances of being offered a slice of anything are greatly reduced. Go and get yourself a small sandwich to tide you over till the big feast can properly begin.
Here's a small sandwich for myself...I hope someday to be further along the "healing path"...for now...I'm aok just where I'm at. I can stop checking the cake in the oven, now.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
