I'm ready to let her go. Last night she started to play money games again. She expects me to bail her out because she can't budget her money. I'm not surprised. If something cost $20 she will take out $100.
My physical health is not improving, but my mental health is.
I still love her but I cannot continue on this way. In her mind she is single. She continues to flaunt it.
The latest fling with OM was just that. They did it once (so far). She may even be pregnant now. At least I know it's not mine this time. I know all of this from her big mouth. She talks about everything with her coworkers. She thinks people can keep secrets, well they can't. I've heard from several people what she has been doing. There may even be more, but ones enough for me. She continues to lie and disrespect me. I won't stand for it anymore.
I do still love her, but not the way I used to.I'm not going to file for D. She can still do that. That's a stress she can deal with.
This is the letter I would like to send her. I "borrowed" most of this from several posts. It may be too long and I'm all over the place. I would like to say more. I would like to rip her a new one. I am so angry.
Any and all advise is welcome. Feel free to edit.
Dear W,
Please understand that I don't want to get a divorce -- I want to work on the marriage, together. I don't want us to go to our death beds, regretting that we didn't give it everything we have, and that's not what I want to teach S8.
You are right. I don't want to be married to anyone who doesn't love me completely. I deserve to have a woman who loves me with all her heart.
This isn't good enough for me anymore, if you really don't value me or the relationship you have with me, I think it's time to part ways and open up my life to someone smarter who knows what they have when they have it! Your loss not mine!
Your affair is hurting both us and our son and is not healthy.
The affair is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings any and all contact must be through email until you end your affair for the sake of our son and my emotional and physical health. I feel horrible that you are cheating on me and your son.
Trust is based on actions that are consistent. I don't trust you because you haven’t been consistent. I don’t trust you because you’ve been lying to me, that is what I trust you to continue doing, because you has been lying to me consistently - that's what I can trust.
I wanted you to be trustworthy but I don't need you to be anything, truth be told, I'll be just fine without you, I see that now.
I don't want your cell phone records; I don't want your email or fb password. If I have to monitor you 24/7 to force you to be consistent, that won't work for me because that's not what I want or need.
From now on I'm moving in this direction, if you want to come along, go ahead, I won't control you and tell you that can or can't come but I can't wait for you anymore and you already know that if you're with the OM, you aren't with me, I'm not settling for anything less than that.
If you really want to be with the OM, I really can't say or do anything to stop that and you should be with him if you're willing to lie so much to me, if you can't be true to me that means he's more important to you than I am and you know what... I'm ok with that because I'm more important to me and that's all that matters - I see that now.
If you wanted to be with me, you knew that you had a lot of trust to rebuild and that's only through consistent action and I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that's pretty much what it looks like to me so let's stop playing games: you go and be with the OM, I'm ok with that, in fact I'm better than OK, I'm awesome because I'm finally being honest with myself about all of this and that includes being honest about who you are and where you are right now. I know what I'm worth and I've been settling for less for too long.
I can't wait for you anymore, I've spent enough time waiting for you to do the right thing and I know that doesn't work because I would probably have to wait forever and still not get what I wanted. So you can do what you want, be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy and I'm going to start wanting something better for me.
I'm replacing affair with infidelity. It makes more sense. Plus it covers any other guys she is may be involved with.
I have to see her tonight at S8 school conferences. I'm not looking forward to it. I sent her a text last night, I simply said "no more lies, u know what I'm talking about". No reply, didn't expect one.
Cool, calm, confident, happy.
I do apologize for the posts, they tend to be long. I don't know if I don't get as many responses because of that, or if I'm just missing something. Please let me know if I need to brush up on my posting skills.
some of the more experienced here might have another opinion; but I wouldn't send it. There's too much relationship talk in it.
If you're done; just be done. I see nothing wrong with asking her to communicate via email for the time being; but all the other info is just pressure. I don't see the need for it. Remember actions speak louder than words. She'll get the message as you just move forward.
Please understand that I don't want to get a divorce -- I want to work on the marriage, together. I don't want us to go to our death beds, regretting that we didn't give it everything we have, and that's not what I want to teach S8.
You are right. I don't want to be married to anyone who doesn't love me completely. I deserve to have a woman who loves me with all her heart.
This isn't good enough for me anymore, if you really don't value me or the relationship you have with me, I think it's time to part ways and open up my life to someone smarter who knows what they have when they have it! Your loss not mine!
Your affair is hurting both us and our son and is not healthy.
The affair is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings any and all contact must be through email until you end your affair for the sake of our son and my emotional and physical health. I feel horrible that you are cheating on me and your son.
Trust is based on actions that are consistent. I don't trust you because you haven’t been consistent. I don’t trust you because you’ve been lying to me, that is what I trust you to continue doing, because you has been lying to me consistently - that's what I can trust.
I wanted you to be trustworthy but I don't need you to be anything, truth be told, I'll be just fine without you, I see that now.
I don't want your cell phone records; I don't want your email or fb password. If I have to monitor you 24/7 to force you to be consistent, that won't work for me because that's not what I want or need.
From now on I'm moving in this direction, if you want to come along, go ahead, I won't control you and tell you that can or can't come but I can't wait for you anymore and you already know that if you're with the OM, you aren't with me, I'm not settling for anything less than that.
If you really want to be with the OM, I really can't say or do anything to stop that and you should be with him if you're willing to lie so much to me, if you can't be true to me that means he's more important to you than I am and you know what... I'm ok with that because I'm more important to me and that's all that matters - I see that now.
If you wanted to be with me, you knew that you had a lot of trust to rebuild and that's only through consistent action and I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that's pretty much what it looks like to me so let's stop playing games: you go and be with the OM, I'm ok with that, in fact I'm better than OK, I'm awesome because I'm finally being honest with myself about all of this and that includes being honest about who you are and where you are right now. I know what I'm worth and I've been settling for less for too long.
I can't wait for you anymore, I've spent enough time waiting for you to do the right thing and I know that doesn't work because I would probably have to wait forever and still not get what I wanted. So you can do what you want, be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy and I'm going to start wanting something better for me.
Sincerely, Jake
I hear your pain, frustration and letting go. This is good for you to feel and recognise. Don't waste your time justifying and defending your position with your W. Just be direct and let her know how you are going forward.
"Wife, I won't share you with another man. I have decided what is best for me and my family is that we get divorced."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks marriedCrazy, coach. Will keeping it short make my point?
"Wife, I won't share you with another man. I have decided what is best for me and my family is that we get divorced. All contact must be through email."
Yes, your actions and follow thru and are what is most important. Calm and confident.
Scratch the comment about e-mail, it's not the issue and not enforcable.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Jake, PLEASE do NOT send her a letter. You have admitted you are angry. These types of letters almost always do as much harm as they do good.
First off. You used the word "I", or "me" at least 70 times in that letter.
You are only painting yourself into a corner with a letter. You are angry and even admit you are all over the place. That is NOT a good time to write letters like this. Next week you could be sorry you wrote it. She could write back in anger and tell you yet again that it is all your fault. etc. etc....
You are pointing fingers at her and finger pointing and preaching.. That type of stuff goes in one ear and right out the other to a WAW. It does NOT work. This is just another attempt to "get" her to straighten up and try to control her by sounding tough. On one hand you say you "want to stay" married to her and it is bad for your child, and then a paragraph later you are telling her you don't need her and you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want you. You can't have it both ways and come across as STRONG.
What works the best for men in your situation is this:
LEAVE HER ALONE. Let HER contact you. When she does, be nice, but be vague. End all contact FIRST when she contacts you. You don't end contact sounding angry, by being rude or by coming across as pouting. That won't get you where you want to go. "I need to get going because I was just_________(fill in the blank)(walking out the door, or on the other line, or right in the middle of something." etc etc... not rude not mean, but short, firm, mater of fact. NOTHING ELSE. Over and over and over. Not for one day, but for MANY days. Consisten lack of pursuit. NONE. She contacts YOU. Wait her out.
Come across as matter of fact, in a hurry to go somewhere, busy. Busy men are attractive. Men don't have time to chit chat on the phone. Men are DOERS. Men don't have time to write letter like this. They just leave the woman alone and do action items.. Go to ball games, hunt, play sports, have hobbies, jog, work out, go out and have fun.
LET her go by action and silence. In other words.. THERE IS NOTHING MORE TO TALK ABOUT. "I get the message honey, you don't have to hit me over the head with a two x four for me to get what you mean".... "I got it"
You need to let her believe that you are already under the impression that she HAS ALREADY made her choice and you GET it.
If she truly loves you she WILL come back without you doing another thing. You are only keeping this dragging on. MOVE on without her and without telling her for now. You CAN tell her all this stuff later AFTER she comes to you and ASKS. If not.. So be it.
