So...turns out that I don't feel specific in my head while I'm meditating but that may be because I've been really focusing on my **heart**. I'm trying to work through my fear of being hurt so while I'm meditating I try to focus on exposing my heart a little. OK, Sage has announced for the whole world that she is a whackadoo!
Yup. LL nailed it I think! Gotta keep facing forward while moving forward...leave the past where it is, no?
Sounds like your h is wise to it, too.
I love my h. so much. I wish I knew the way to let him know that...and to tell him how much I appreciate all of his hard work and commitment and love. Um, maybe I'll just tell him???
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: But I freak myself out sometimes...and it's all focused on fears of what COULD happen and it's nearly all centered around that AWFUL time of knowing that something was going on and having h lie to me over and over and over again. So I get myself wrapped up in...oh, what if he falls in love with her and starts distancing himself from me and starts acting angry and I feel powerless again and ...
{{Sage}} I got a funny mental picture when I read this. I thought "Tal, do you ACTUALLY believe that Wolfie wasn't very traumatized by this whole experience too? Do you actually believe that he's like some out-of-control philanderer who would jump on any woman who becomes a friend--as though he is a robot programed for that and has learned NOTHING from this whole awful episode?"
Silly, huh? I don't think Wolfie would put himself through again for ANYTHING or ANYONE (I don't care what charms she has). I don't think your H is very likely to either. They'd probably see the signs much quicker now, and logic alone says they are much less likely to have an A than they were before, right?
I think I know where you are coming from about the ff thing, though. You want to know that there are clear and commonly understood boundaries. You want to know that he will see the red flags and run like hell. Me too, girl!
Wolfie mentioned a book about Emotional Infidelity and the way having ff's, especially at work, can slowly escalate until it is out-of-control and becoming a full-blown A. I suggested that we read this book together and so I ordered it.
I have always felt that Wolfie was somewhat naive and didn't have well-thought out boundaries in that very area, and I want us to agree, together, that clear boundaries are a bottom-line for me.
1. h seems to be feeling a bit better so we ventured out for a date...tried out a new restaurant...had a good meal, a nice glass of wine...a bit of hand holding
2. we had a great (and very interesting!) conversation about sports...relating it to economic theory (I'm taking macro right now) in terms of supply and demand, salaries, etc. I'm reminded once again how intelligent, thoughtful, funny, smart my h. is. He's a real pleasure to talk with.
3. h tucked me into bed...(I went to bed much earlier than he did ) which involved him getting out of his cozy chair to hug and kiss me and make sure I was snug as a bug.
******************* I had kind of a flash of insight this AM (glad I didn't hurt anyone in the process!)...it was a combo of a few things...last night I felt a little sad...no real reason...just some sadness...and then when I was trying to fall asleep I got so MAD at myself for feeling down...
This morning...on the way to the gym...I was still beating myself up over .. I remembered how nervous I felt yesterday about posting my ASSumptions on my DB thread...scared that if h read them he would think "well, this is more of the same...she'll never be happy"...even a little nervous that YOU GUYS would think "she's still stuck"...and then it hit me....
my resistance to the way that I feel sometimes. my beating myself up...my fears that h will get angry at me for still feeling sad, hurt, whatever some times....heck, it's all getting in the way of ME accepting ME.
It's getting in the way of ME feeling JUST FINE the way that I am.
It's getting in the way of ME feeling comfortable with myself...and being/acting/doing things that express my comfort.
What you resist, persists.
Here it is... this is me. sometimes I'm still sad. sometimes I'm still angry. sometimes I'm still confused. sometimes I make mistakes in my actions. sometimes I make ASSumptions...about myself, about others. sometimes I have expectations. sometimes I over think things. sometimes I'm scared.
But MOST of the time? Most of the time I'm happier than I have ever been...in my new marriage, in my present, loving, delightful husband...in his hard work...in mine...
That's just the way it is, the way that I am.
it changes. I change. whoop...there I go again!
I'm doing the best I can.
I'm exactly where I need to be in terms of my "me-ness", my healing, my state of mind.
A few days ago I was thinking about h's a. and my dad's leaving...and I thought "how could they have been so indifferent to me? or worse, so hateful?"
But...don't I treat myself with indifference? self-hatred?
This AM I was bemoaning...Why can't h accept me as I am -- all the overthinking, all the emotions, all the me-ness?
And then I thought...have I accepted myself?
I've been fighting myself. Beating myself up.
How about I take that edge off of it?
Sounds like a plan.
I'm gonna keep letting my actions represent my best self ... (I've been doing quite well at this!)
No "time bomb" feelings for h, I hope.
Here's something that was in AARP magazine (the author is talking about not having kids...)...it was interesting to me that I found this TODAY:
" The struggle ended when I stopped struggling. That is, I stopped trying so hard not to be sad. I realized and accepted that I'd always be sad about it. And I began to look around me. Who isn't sad about something missed in life? Or about something terrible that has been endured? "
And here's my cainercast:
It's analogy time. Again. Er... let's imagine you are hungry and a cake is baking in the oven. The delicious aroma is overpowering. You feel much more inclined to wait for this delicacy than to fill up on any other food that may be on offer. If, though, you keep trying to open the oven door, you will ruin the cake and upset the baker to the point where your chances of being offered a slice of anything are greatly reduced. Go and get yourself a small sandwich to tide you over till the big feast can properly begin.
Here's a small sandwich for myself...I hope someday to be further along the "healing path"...for now...I'm aok just where I'm at. I can stop checking the cake in the oven, now.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Wow...I can relate to so much of what you say, and yet, you are so much better at taking these muddled emotions and stating them clearly and concisely!
And then on top of that, you come up with a solution!
Hi Sage, WO.....Your last post was really good for me to read. It was very insighttful and you are very articulate. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I'm sure it benefited many on here. I need to get where your at. I'm working on it, but it does not come easy does it? Trust is a very fragile thing. I never thought I'd have to WORK at trusting my H. He was always so "trustworthy." We are back together, but he has not moved home. He says all the right things-you can trust me, ILY, its, over, blah, blah, blah. Now it's up to me. So why am I having such a hard time doing this? It's obvious I'm not alone in this quest for trust. I'll be keeping an eye on your thread...I think it will help me. Thanks Sage, Rachael
